The Finals Recap (right on time no delay)
Turns out sometimes you have to complete finals before you can do other things
Argentina 3 (F84, D38, Colonized by Spain) v France 3 (F89, D16, Colonizer) (4-2 in PKs)
Did I cry? ABSOLUTELY. Was this the greatest World Cup ever? Unfortunately (re: Qatar being the worst) YES! Is Messi the greatest player since Diego Maradonna and in the top three players ever (Pele, Maradonna, Messi)? YESSSSS!!!!
What an absolutely amazingly awesome game this was! Argentina started the game looking fearless and like absolute world beaters. France didn’t seem to know how to act and like it was scared of the moment and of messing up. Argentina got a PK (which they deserved because Di Maria was tripped inside the box) and then……. Messi. Then, only 13 minutes later, Messi and friends had an awesome counter attack that Di Maria finished. Quick aside: Di Maria played absolutely out of his mind. He destroyed France’s right side and was easily the second best player on Argentina. He also deserved the goal and how well he played. The last time Argentina made it to the finals of the world cup (2014) Di Maria had to sit out because of an injury, and he was devastated. So, the fact that he played in this final and made such an important impact is just another wonderful story to this final. Aside over. The rest of the first half was an Argentina show. However, France did not sit back and do nothing. In a very bold move, France’s manager made two subs in the first half. This is something that never happens. So good on France for making the call.
Halftime came and things felt too good to be true. Argentina looked like they couldn’t be stopped and France seemed like they didn’t have a chance. But, soccer is a wonderful sport, and nothing is ever over until it is over. Particularly, Argentina had shown that they were not great at finishing games.
Second half started, and things still looked the same. Argentina dominated the ball and the game and France seemed like “le lost boys.” I remember at one point starting to think about how awesome it would to see Messi lift up the trophy and how much he deserved it and how amazing everything would be . . . but then France woke up. Some people asked: Why did Argentina sub out Di Maria when he had been such an important player during the game? Answer: He is 34 years old and was actually running like a mad man all game. (Shoutout Messi for being the best walker in all the tournament) France began dominating first and second ball. They started piling on the pressure. And Argentina started to look like they were hanging on by a thread. Then, 10 minutes from the end of the game. First, came the PK. Then, only a minute later, we got to witness one of the best goals in a world cup final and one of the best goals you will ever see by what will become one of the best players to ever have played the game. The second goal Mbappe scored was such a show of talent and skill. The vision, the guts, the technic, the placement. It was all perfect. And with that goal Mbappe, single-handedly brought his country back from the dead. It is incredible what Mbappe did.
In less than a minute the game had completely changed, France looked like they might win, and I felt like the world was crumbling around me (jk) (but not really jk). However, Argentina hung on for overtime (and I mean they really hung on with everything).
Argentina regrouped and overtime began. The team found their legs and the ball again and had multiple chances. Most importantly MESSI did MESSI things yet again. That third goal seemed like it was it. Argentina were going to win off the touch of their one true god. But alas, France and Mbappe reared their ugly heads yet again to stop Messi in their tracks. In the 118th (out of 120) minute Mbappe scored his second PK in the game and France tied the game 3-3. To say this was devastating would be to say the atomic bomb was a little destructive. I couldn’t believe it. How could this happen. Why were the soccer gods doing this? Why couldn’t Messi win a world cup!
With things tied, we went to PKs to decide the winner. Let me remind you of what I think of PKs. From 12/5/22 email: A little aside I have been waiting to let loose from the clip. Let us talk about penalty kicks. No one likes them. Everyone dreads them. Yet, they are still the greatest way to end a game. To all of you dumb Americans who say: “How can games end in ties? Why don’t they play overtime until a winner is scored? Why is USA not the best team in the world?” Take a step into my office and sushy yo mouthy. Have you ever played a 90-minute soccer game? Have you ever played 30 more minutes after those first 90? If you haven’t, then why don’t you go outside, sprint 7 miles, take a 15-minute brake and then try to sprint another mile and a half. When I say sprint, I mean sprint! Now, while you are sprinting, try to think about anything other than the fact that you’re an idiot who decided to sprint 7 miles to try and prove your dumb American point. Soccer players don’t take a brake every 5 seconds (football), they don’t have constant subs (basketball/hockey), they don’t just stand their and do some chaw dawgs (baseball), and they are not just hitting a ball a few times (ping pong/tennis). Soccer players run, they sprint, they run, then sprint some more, all while keeping tactics and awareness in their heads, and while communicating with their teammates. Oh, and they are also kicking a ball with those same legs that are running all those miles. If you forced teams to play overtime every game, you would end up with injuries galore and 35-man rosters. The game would lose all its meaning and flow. If you forced teams to play overtime until someone got a winner, then you would be asking for a game to never end. If you made overtime a golden goal, then you change that fundamental game of soccer into a punt-fest with no soul. Americans need to BACK OFF of soccer and shut up. We don’t need a European super league that has no relegation. We don’t need to play more games so that everyone makes a few more dollars. AND WE DON’T NEED to do overtimes for every game. Anywhooooo…………… PK shootouts are awesome and terrible at the same time, and I cant wait for more of them this tournament.
I stand by every word of that rant.
As for the game, the one thing I knew Argentina had was a goalkeeper who has made a name for himself by being a PK stopper. Even in the game, on Mbappe’s first PK, he almost blocked it. But, I didn’t even dare to say this out loud to my wife because I would not even risk jinxing Messi. Andddddd, I made the right decision. Emiliano Martinez made the greatest saves he will ever make in his life. Also, Messi’s PK was a work of art. The cajones it takes to do what he did, to have the goalie not actually dive before he shot it (which is what he is hoping will happen), and then calmly, casually, and almost disasterdly passing the ball into the net, that is something only someone like Messi could do. With the final kick, Argentina scored, and Messi had won his world cup and I cried. How couldn’t I cry? This was the player I have been watching since 2005. This is the player I wanted to be. This was the player I tried to mimic. He has given everything to this sport and to his country. He has been so close to glory so many times. He had won everything else there was to win. This was his last chance to win a World Cup more than once, in the game, it seemed like it wouldn’t happen. He is the greatest player of this generation, the greatest player since Maradonna, and one of the greatest players of all time. No one deserved this more than him.
I don’t think I could say it better then this:
Or react better than this:
https://twitter.com/MenInBlazers/status/1604554765651759104?s=20&t=Nvm6kvSbln7b0uL987A1yw
Or this:
https://twitter.com/MenInBlazers/status/1604574899380568066?s=20&t=Nvm6kvSbln7b0uL987A1yw
We all got to witness a once in a lifetime World Cup, and a once in a lifetime player.
Morocco 1 v Croatia 2
I was totally wrong about the Croatians in this game. Oops.
But look at the reception the Moroccans got when they got home. Everyone knows they did their best. They should be proud. They are also young, so they have a great chance in the next world cup (in North America!)
Anyways…….. thank you for coming on this journey with me. What started off as an excuse to do what I already was going to do (watch every world cup game) turned into something I looked forward to every day (well most of the days, some days I didn’t really want to do it). I hope I made some of you fans of the beautiful game and/or just made you laugh a little.
Now, we are on to the next year’s World Cup (women’s one). USA! USA! USA!
Recaps of both games tomorrow (maybe).
Finals Preview – 12/18/22
Argentina (F84, D38, Colonized by Spain) v France (F89, D16, Colonizer)
This is it. If you aren’t rooting for Messi, your tacky and I hate you! If Messi wins, tears may (will) be shed from Portland, Maine to Buenos Aires, Argentina, to Shanghai, China to Cape Town, South Africa (even in France (maybe)). If France win, everything will be about Mbappe, and deservedly so. This is the second time Messi has taken Argentina to a World Cup final (they lost to Germany in the 2014 World Cup in Brazil), but this is also France’s second straight trip to the World Cup final—and they are hoping to make it a second straight victory. Argentina is likely going to try and dominate the ball, which France wont mind. France is likely to try and counterattack with its speed. But really, there is not much more that hasn’t been said. This game will be about who wants it more, who executes their plan better, who reacts better, and who scores more goals. In fact, I predict that the team that scores more goals will win. So, at 10:00 am EST, take a seat, turn on the game, and savor every moment.
Third-Place Game Preview – 12/17/22
Morocco (F37, D115, Colonizer of Iberia then Colonized by France in real life and in this tournament) v Croatia (F85, D46, Colonized by the Greeks)
Usually, third-place games are considered after thoughts because neither team really wants to be there, but mark my words* this game will be the swan song of my Black Stallions! If I were a betting man (first I would need to make money) I would but all my acorns on Morocco to win this game. Morocco are already winners by making it as far as they have and playing as well as they did against France. But, they will want to get some sort of hardware from the tournament, and they will have the complete support of their country at the game. Not only that, but I suspect that the Moroccans themselves will have a fire to try and win this game to prove (not like they need to at this point) that none of this was a fluke. I hope they get this win.
Croatia is like mehhh. I don’t think they will not try, and they could all decide that they want to send Modrić out with a win, but mehhh…. I don’t really think they want it anywhere close to what Morocco does. Plus, they seemed to have not had any attack last game against Argentina, and Morocco’s defense is much better then Argentina’s (I think). I hope Croatia does not try to pack their defense in to squeeze out a 1-0 or 0-0 PK shoot out win, because who really cares in the end about third place (Morocco does). Those that play this game should enjoy it for what it is, a fun last game at the most awesome tournament in the world. (except for the whole we are in Qatar, thousands of migrant/slave workers died in the lead up to this World cup, the World Cup was bought with bribes by Qatar, Qatar was able to do all this because of the corruption, malfeasance, and genuinely despicable human beings that lead FIFA, etc…)
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Semifinal #2 – 12/14/22
France 2 (F89, D16, Colonizer of Morocco) v Morocco 0 (F37, D115, Colonizer of Iberia then Colonized by France)
My Black Stallions have lost, but gosh darn it….. They gave it all they had!! This was a fantastic game to watch. France scored in the first four minutes of the game, but after that it was all Morocco. They had so many chances throughout the game, and even hit the woodwork. They roared and roared and roared, but the French found a way to tame them (probably because they had colonized them before). The second half was much of the same, Morocco dominating, but then Mbappe Mbappe’d. He had a wonderful show of skill inside the Moroccan box, and then France got lucky with the bounce they got off Mbappe’s attempted shot. After the second goal, the Moroccans knew that the game was up. The funny thing about the game is that France looked like Morocco. They played great defense and struck on the counter, but they did not look all that great. That said, France are arguably the best team in the tournament (at least on paper), and they will be full strength on Saturday. Make sure to watch Morocco on Saturday in their third-place game against Croatia. They will be putting in all their effort.
Semifinal #1 – 12/13/22
Argentina (F84, D38, Colonized by Spain) v Croatia (F85, D46, Colonized by the Greeks)
Soooo, this game was a wee bit boring, but Messi and friends did exactly what they needed to do. They defended well (but lets be honest, Croatia did not really present too great of an offensive challenge) and they took the early chances they had. Julian Alvarez was the man of the match with his two spectacular runs (the first getting the PK that Messi scored, the second an insane rumbling, stumbling, bumbling run off a Croatian corner in which he ran the full length of the field and the ball bounced off two Croatian defenders in their own box and then just sat perfectly for Alvarez to tap it in.) But then (and this is totally objective) Messi took the title when Messi did Messi things. If you watch the run he made with the ball for the third goal, look at how much the defender is grabbing him, how many turn Messi makes, and how tightly Messi keeps control of the ball. It is good that that defender has to wear a mask (for a nose thing*) because Messi embarrassed him on a world stage. That run us why Messi is #different. For Croatia’s part, they seemed to look tired and out of ideas and Argentina did not really have any scares of losing their lead. Modrić did not really make any mark on this game and no one else really seemed to want to take control of the game. Now, there is one more game for Messi. One more game to define a career that is already undefinable. One more game for rise from legend to god.
Semifinal preview #2
12/14/22 – 2:00 pm
France (F89, D16, Colonizer of Morocco) v Morocco (F37, D115, Colonizer of Iberia then Colonized by France)
I think I have less to say about this game then the last one, but we shall see. France come into this game the heavy, heavy, heavy favorites. If you haven’t heard, Mbappe and France are looking to become the first back-to-back World Cup Champions since Pele and Brazil in the 1950s and 60s. Two remarkable things about France that I haven’t said yet: (1) they are making this back-to-back run without arguably the best forward (and worst human) right now – Karem Benzema, and (2) France have broken their own curse which they created in 2002 after winning their first World Cup in 1998. The curse: since 2002 no previous champions had made it out of their group the next World Cup. France have all the players they need to win the World Cup again, particularly Mbappe. He is the current leader for the Golden Boot (most goals scored), but more importantly, he (like Messi) handles the immense pressure that is on him. Unlike Messi, his team is full of world class players that can each have a special moment (see first goal of quarterfinals). Look for France to dominate the game, but they will also be hoping the Morocco has moments of possession so that they (Mbappe) can use their speed against Morocco.
Morocco – My Black Stallions – the wonderkids – the first African team in the semifinals of the World Cup – the underdawgs. Do not think that this is the end for the Atlas Lions. They will throw everything they have at this game, the question is though – how much more do they have to give? They hopefully will have had time to recover and rest, because they looked exhausted by the end of the quarterfinals. Not only did they look exhausted, but also both their center backs (one of which is their captain) have been injured. However, their style is team play, and their focus is on their defensive form. Thus, even with replacements in two of the most crucial positions, they showed that they can still play with the best. Furthermore, as I have stated before, they have players in key places that have big game experience, but for this game it is not just big game experience that they have – they have experience against the players on the French national team. Many of the Moroccan’s play in the French league, and one of their best players (their left back) plays with Mbappe on Paris Saint-Germain. This mean that these two will have be a key matchup during the game and both will have intimate knowledge of each other. The team will likely be looking to do what they have been doing, keep things tight, get a goal, and then pack it in. Morocco have only let in one goal this tournament (and it was an own goal), so don’t think they cant keep this game scoreless as well. However, France knows what Morocco want to do, so I expect they will try to get Morocco to come out of their shell by giving them space to possess the ball. Morocco can possess the ball, so that isn’t necessarily bad for them, but it likely will open up space behind them which is what France will want to exploit with their won speed. This will be a very exciting game!
*this was a total and absolute guess
12/12/22 – Semi-Finals Preview
IT’S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR!!!! Throw out the rulebooks….actually bring those back, but keep the sentiment, we are entering the World Cup semi-finals! All of these teams are just one game away from the most prized game in all of soccer, the finals of the World Cup. Historically, these games tend to either be very tense (and so a bit boring), or blowouts (which are again a bit boring), but it feels like this tournament is not following historical precedent (we are playing in the winter). I would expect these to be two enticing games with action and action and more action. Also, everybody (players, coaches, the stadiums, people watching the games) will be yelling at the refs because everyone is turning into 3rd graders who cant control their emotions and blame the authority figure for all of their problems (and because the refs in the quarter-finals were pretty shite).
12/13/22 – 2:00 pm
Argentina (F84, D38, Colonized by Spain) v Croatia (F85, D46, Colonized by the Greeks)
Somehow, someway NO ONE is giving Croatia a chance. A team that made it to the previous World Cup finals, that has perhaps that best least respected midfielder ever in the history of soccer, and that actually never believes it is out of any game—that team is getting no respect, no chance, and is already being penciled in for the third place game on Saturday. What did I say for the quarterfinals? Oh ya: “Brazil Argentina come into this game the heavy favorites, especially with Neymar Messi (their all-star) … BUT, that is exactly where Croatia want to be. Croatia thrive as underdogs (woof, woof) because they have the players to absorb pressure, to counter, or to keep possession.” Croatia will not let the moment, whether tied, down, or up, get to them. They will adapt to the moment, make the right substitutions if needed, and then keep going. Croatia will be plenty happy to go to PKs because they have to believe that they will always win PK shootouts. The matchup of Messi vs Modrić is going to be the key to the game because although they may not be directly facing each other, their play will be key for who wins the midfield battle.
MESSI. That is all that needs to be said for the other side. A little story time. Once upon a time, a man named Maradona, a short Argentinean that came from poverty, became a legend in soccer cemented his status as one of the best players that ever played the beautiful game. As a teenager he lead his team to a youth 1979 World Cup win. He left his home to go to Spain and play with the legendary team – Barcelona. He then left Barcelona to go to another big club, but in another country, and after the club career move, he did what every kid dreams of—he won the 1986 World Cup while captaining his nation and being the best player in the world. The next year, another small boy, from a poor part of Argentina was born. Lionel Andrés Messi (yes we share a name, yes it is A HUGE DEAL!). This next small boy exhibited skills that had not been seen since that first Argentinean legend had graced the soccer world. Like Maradona, he was left footed, he his balance like a ballerina, and he seems to be able see the future. Like Maradona, this new short Argentinean began growing a legend at a young age. He left his home to play at the legendary club – Barcelona, he won the 2005 youth World Cup for his nation, and his name became legendary. He constantly was compared to the original Argentinean legend, and was able to surpass him (at least at a club level). However, he never won the one trophy that would turn him from a legend into a god, into a myth – the World Cup. World Cup after World Cup, he did everything he could, but he was let down each time by the team around him and the coach. He then moved to another big club in another country, and then . . . [to be continued]. This is the thing about Messi. He has been the best player in the world for more then 22 years. He has been the player that every team plans against, and the player that everyone expects everything from. And he delivers. It is incomprehensible how someone can not only deal with the pressure he faces, but in fact still thrive. I’m telling you now, if he won this World Cup, I will be crying. Argentina have a couple players who are going to have to miss the semi-finals because of the dumbass yellow card accumulation rule. I think they will be fine without them, but if they have a weakness it is there defense, and that is where at least one of the accumulation misters play. Argentina can win, but they will have to play their absolute best.
Match Day 12/10/22
Morocco 1 (F37, D115, Colonized by France) v Portugal 0 (F95, D12, Colonized by Morocco during the Conquista (kinda jk) but also Colonizer of some places like Brazil and Angola)
NIEGH NIEGH NIEGH!!! It wasn’t pretty but they freaking did it. That is what a team that plays for each other and their country looks like. Everything left on the field, everyone doing their part, and belief at every moment. Morocco looked very dangerous in the first half, and their goal was coming. They stayed very compact defensively and had excellent counters time after time. The second half was a battle of attrition. Could they defend for an entire half? Could Portugal find the goal they were so desperate for? Yes and No. Morocco defended for their lives and got lucky on more than one occasion. Portugal seemed to not know what to do. Ronaldo made a small impact after coming off the bench, but it was not enough. Even through the insanely lopsided possession and pressure, and even though Morocco played the last 10 minutes with only 10 men (the red card was as soft as an old banana), Morocco actually should have gotten one or two more goals. The Atlas Lions have now completed their re-Reconquista of the Iberian peninsula* (which is further then they got in the 700s). However, they have a number of injuries that they are dealing with. If they can get their key players healthy for Wednesday, then they could not only be the first African team to the semi-final, but also the first African team to the finals! PS you should all owe me money for the incredible expertise I have exhibited throughout this tournament.
England 1 (scores are for UK F93, D19, Colonized (JK!!) Colonizer in Chief! What didn’t they colonize?) v France 2 (F89, D16, Colonizer-big time colonizer but compared to England you have to ask: did they even really try to colonize?)
We can now officially say Brexit was a mistake, and that the EU is better. So many French baguettes are going to be eaten tonight! The reigning champions find a way to get a win in a hotly contested match against the Three Lions. During France’s first goal, England looked like they didn’t know how to defend. Everyone was running everywhere, and too many of them were watching Mbappe. After the goal, England took control of the game and had a number of chances. France held on. The second half was much of the same, and when England got a deserved PK to tie it up, it seemed like the break they needed. England keep up the pressure and had chance, after chance, after chance. But the French are going to French, and they showed their class by taking advantage of their chances. But that wasn’t the end. England kept up the pressure, had more chances, and then got another PK! Harry Kaniac stepped up for his second PK of the game and…….. he skyed it over. The pressure was too much. France continue their campaign to become back-to-back champions, and Mbappe continues to put his name in the mix for best player ever. Also, with Croatia in the other semi-final, we could end up with a rematch of the last World Cup’s final. Before that, they have to battle their former colony and find a way to score against a team that has only given up one own goal this entire tournament.
*Iberian peninsula = Spain and Portugal.
Match Day (I think, but honestly I kinda lost track and—per my intro—I wont look it up) 17? – 12/9/22
One note before we go on. This has to be one of the best world cup’s that have ever been played. But, it sucks because it is in Qatar and because FIFA are horrendous monsters that should be put down painfully. The internal dilemma of enjoying everything I am watching and then remembering the context of where this is all happening makes these moments painful. Burn FIFA down
Croatia 1 (F85, D46, Colonized by the Greeks) v Brazil 1 (F73, D59, Colonized by Portugal) (4-2 in PKs)
NEVER COUNT CROATIA OUT! They are the greatest PK taking team the world has ever seen! 4 out 5 of their last knockout stage wins in the World Cup (the loss being in the finals to France) have been via PK shootouts. The Croatian goalkeeper Dominik Livaković (who plays in Croatia) is a god in the net. He has now blocked (the shooter has hit the post) 5 out of the last 8 PKs he has faced. That is unbelievable.
This game was fantastic. Brazil dominated, but Croatia played very well and had chances of their own. Croatia’s defense was tenacious and played by the entire team (unlike USA), and they got the game to overtime with no goals. In overtime, Brazil remained patient and Neymar had one of the best goals you will see this tournament. He weaved and passed his way through the Croatian defense to find the back of the net, but Croatia, having been behind in knockout games every time, did not give up. When the ball got kicked off again, the Croatians immediately started attacking. The second half of the overtime was all Croatia and the deserved the goal they got (even if it was deflected in). At that point, everyone knew Croatia was going to be very happy to go into PKs, and that’s what happened. Croatia will never give up and I love that.
Netherlands 2 (F97, N13, Colonizer everywhere) v Argentina 2 (F84, D38, Colonized by the Spanish) (5-3 in PKs)
Holy Moly. This game was the best and worst of soccer. Lets get this out of the way: the ref was an absolute joke and should never ref another game…. Ever. 17 yellow cards handed out in the game (world cup record)* is an absolute idiocy. Getting past that, this game had it all. Messi finding a pass for an assist that only he could ever get, Messi scoring a PK to go up 2-0. Netherlands putting in all their giants and lumping the ball forward. Argentina not being able to close a game. Netherlands scoring in the 80th minute and then in the 111th minute of normal time! Both teams trying to fight each other multiple times. Argentina dominating the overtime and almost scoring multiple times. Then… PKs. Lataro Martinez (Argentina’s goalkeeper) first made a name during the Copa America by winning PK shootouts with his ability to block PKs. He did it again! He found Netherland’s kitchen, setup shop, and lived their rent free. Netherlands 8 ft goalkeeper either faced too good of shots, or did not really know where Argentina were going to shot. And, in the end Argentina pull out the win. Messi’s journey continues, and they face Croatia in what will be an extremely entertaining semifinal.
Quarter-Finals Preview – 12/10/22
10:00 am Morocco (F37, D115, Colonized by France) v Portugal (F95, D12, Colonized by Morocco during the Conquista (kinda jk) but also Colonizer of some places like Brazil and Angola)
It is time to back off of Cristiano Ronaldo now. Everyone is clowning him and he has no breaks lately. I feel ba…….. HAHAHHA!! NOT! Ronaldo sucks, his team is better without him, he is a cancer to his team, and he is about to become irrelevant. But seriously, how surprising is it that Portugal look like world beaters as soon as he is dropped from the starting 11? (it is not surprising is the answer). Portugal come into this game after trouncing the Swiss cheese and are possibly the most dangerous team in the tournament. Then you have Morocco. The nobodies. The flukes. The first African team to make the semifinals? That’s right people, Morocco could be the first team to make it to the semifinals of the World Cup. (Do you hear that? The stampede is coming!) The black stallions are ready to do it. They have the team, the players, the coach, and the heart. The only thing that can stop them are injuries, of which they picked up a few in their last game. But, if they are healthy watch out!
Prediction: Neigh!
2:00 pm England (scores are for UK F93, D19, Colonized (JK!!) Colonizer in Chief! What didn’t they colonize?) v France (F89, D16, Colonizer-big time colonizer but compared to England you have to ask: did they even really try to colonize?)
What is there to say about this game that hasn’t been said yet? How about: Brexit, is it the reason England have been playing as well as they have since 2016? I mean Brexit is voted on in 2016 and in 2018 they make it to the semifinals of the world cup. In 2020 the Brexit happens, and they go to the finals of the Euros in 2021. Clearly the English national team was suffering from getting their jobs stolen by foreigners and being a part of the EU was clearly stifling their own power. Now, as Brexit has been a total success and neatly and clearly implemented, will England finally be able to do what they want (win) without the faceless, nameless, bodyless?, soulless overlords of the EU interfering? [French accent] Hu huh! Messiour! Par le vou French? No? Of course not you imbecile! We, the French, fart in the general direction of the English and will fight for the honor of the EU! WE the creators of French fries, of arrogance, of fashion, of democracy, of not showering, of smoking inside, we will put down those manegy English dogs! [narrator: said the frenchy as he passed out with a glass of wine in one hand, a cigarette in another, a half eaten baguette on his chest, and smelling of old smelly cheese. His bed was surrounded by empty bottles of wine, plates of uneaten cheese, cats eating his foie gras, and the unnerving feeling that he may sharted himself when he tried to roll over and fart at the English.] Back to the game, the French have all the tools to win this game and the Cup. They are looking to be only the third team to win back-to-back world cups, and the first since Brazil (Pele) did it in the 50s and 60s.
Prediction: Brexit 0 – Smelly Cheese also 0.
*I was hoping I would not have to talk about this, but now we do after todays quarterfinals. The accumulation yellow card rule (if you get a yellow card in two games before the semifinals then you miss the next game) is the WORST rule in soccer. Argentina and (I think) Croatia with both be missing players in the semi-final game because of this rule. I have no idea why this rule exists as it does. It does not make sense that have to miss a game if you get two yellow cards and if you get two yellow cards in two separate matches. There should be a difference between having a bad foul once in a match in two matches then have two bad fouls in one match. I hate this rule sooooo much. They should change it to either three yellow cards = missing a match, or they should clear the slate (right now, once you make it to the semi-finals, then any yellow cards from before are cleared) before the quarterfinals if they are going to keep it at two games. This is a dumb rule made by dumb people for dumb reasons and I like to say dumb a lot. Dumb dumb dumby dumbo dumbeth dune.
Quarter-Finals Preview – 12/9/22
Here we go! Sooo many story lines and all of the games look interesting. We are adding one more thing to the info line of the games. Each team will either have “Colonized” or “Colonizer” next to their freedom and democracy numbers. Pretty self-explanatory.
10:00 am – Croatia (F85, D46, Colonized by the Greeks) v Brazil (F73, D59, Colonized by Portugal)
Croatia has scored five goals in the run of play (four of them against Canada), has let in two goals up to this point (one to Canada and then scored four against them), and have tied two games 0-0, won one, and won in PKs. Brazil have scored seven goals, let in two goals (one in garbage time up 4-0 against S. Korea), and have won three and lost one (lost to Cameroon, but they were already through to the knockout stage). Brazil come into this game the heavy favorites, especially with Neymar (their all-star) coming back from his injury and looking healthy. BUT, that is exactly where Croatia want to be. Croatia thrive as underdogs (woof, woof) because they have the players to absorb pressure, to counter, or to keep possession. The key for Croatia: 37-year-old (ancient for soccer players) Luka Modrić. Like Croatia, Modrić has perennially been underrated even though he has been the orchestrator of 5 Champions League (European wide club tournament that is generally seen as the most important soccer league to win in Europe) wins with Real Madrid since 2012, and even though Croatia made a Cinderella run to the finals of the 2018 World Cup. The biggest challenge for Croatia will be if they have the stamina to go toe to toe with Brazil, and if they can keep Brazil in front of them and out of the goal.
Brazil have yet another world class team, and they seem to playing with pizazzzz. When Brazil play freely and with style, they are unbeatable. But (historically), if the opposition can frustrate how Brazil wants to play, then Brazil become susceptible to losing focus and getting behind. This year seems a bit different. Brazil seem to have as strong a defense as any team in this tournament (some may say that they haven’t faced an offensive power yet, which is true), and they showed against Switzerland that they can be patient against a very defensive team. Brazil is looking for their 6th World Cup, and this could be their year.
Prediction: The team that scores more goals then the other will win. I think,
2:00 pm – Netherlands (F97, N13, Colonizer everywhere) v Argentina (F84, D38, Colonized by the Spanish)
Netherlands are a solid team that have the best centerback (Virgil van Dyke) in the world and a very talented group of attackers (Memphis Depay and Cody Gakpo). Argentina have Messi. Literally, this tournament has been what can Messi do, and then can the team just not screw it up. The things is, this bold strategy can work. Messi is good enough to make up for 10 other decent but not great players. The problem, Messi is old (for soccer) and so he cant do as much as he has in the past. Netherlands will likely game plan for Messi (duh!) and do everything to shut him down. This means that this game will come down to what those around Messi can do for Argentina. If they do not step up, don’t expect them to get through. Everyone (except probably Ronaldo) wants to see Messi win because he is the, or one of the best, players the world has ever seen.
Prediction: Messi 1 – Netherland 1 – Non-Messi Argentina (?)
Match Day 16 – 12/6/22
Morocco 0 (F37, D115) v Spain 0 (F90, D18) (3-0 in PKs)
Nnnnnnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!
Morocco get through on PKs! Morocco did exactly what they needed to do. Spain absolutely dominated the ball (77% possession vs 23%) and had more shots (13 v 6), but Morocco had the better chances and more shots on target (2 v 1). Morocco frustrated the Spanish by staying compact and disciplined and had multiple chances on the counter that could have/should have gone in. Spain did not look like they had any creative ideas and just passed the ball around in non-dangerous areas. By the end of the game, and through much of overtime, Morocco was clearly exhausted and managed only one or two counters to threaten the Spanish. But they kept their heads on, and never let the moment get away from them. Then Bono (not U2’s lead singer), Morocco’s goalie who plays at Sevilla in Spain, took out his backpack, put his team and his country into it, and then carried them all to the win. Bono saved three PKs and when Morocco made their fourth (with a wonderful Panenka*) the game was done. Now, Morocco need to recover for their quarterfinal game because this took all their effort.
Portugal 6 (F95, D12) v Switzerland 1 (F96, D7)
The house of cards is falling in around Ronaldo. Not only was he benched for this game, but “his” team scored 5 without him on the field, his replacement scored a hat-trick (3 goals in one game), and he didn’t score once her got his pity minutes at the end of the game. Imagine that happening to Messi……. You cant can you? That’s because it would NEVER happen to Messi. Ronaldo is done. As for Portugal, they are playing like a weight (Ronaldo) has been lifted from them. They looked like they were the best team in the tournament in this game. The Swiss looked like they were made out of cheese (shoutout Pablo, good joke). Portugal is now easily a contender for this tournament.
What’s Next?
We now have a two day break until the quarter-final games start. We then have two quarter-final games on Friday and then two on Saturday. Then, we have another break until Tuesday for the semi-final games. Finally, the third place game will be on Saturday and the final will be on Sunday (12/18). So, that none of you loyal followers get antsy, my email schedule will be: Thursday-Saturday, Monday-Tuesday, Friday-Sunday.
Below is the bracket for the World Cup. We have some awesome games! Quick notes: Netherlands have never won the World Cup even though they have been to the final three times, Messi has only won one major tournament (Copa America) but has been to multiple finals, Croatia made the previous World Cup final, Brazil has won the most World Cups (5), England have always think they are the best team but they aren’t, France is the reigning champions and have a very good chance to be the first back-to-back champions since Brazil in 58 and 62**, Morocco are in the quarterfinals for the first time in their history and are very much the outsiders of the group, for all the Portugal stars there have been this is only the second time they have made it to the quarterfinals (first time in 2006).
*Panenka is the name of a PK that is a small chip down the middle of the goal. It is credited with its creation by Antonin Panenka who did it in the 1976 Euro finals for the Czech to win in PKs against West Germany. It takes a whole lot of cojones because if the goalie doesn’t guess and dive before the kick, then you are just passing the ball right into the goalies chest. When it works, it is one of the best ways to take a PK because it instills confidence in the team and embarrasses the goalie.
**The comparisons between Pele and Mbappe have been beat to death, but it is worth noting that the back-to-back Brazilian champions were won when a 17 year old Pele first played (1958) and then when he was established as the world’s best player (1962). If France were to win again it would be with a 19 year old Mbappe (2018) and then a 24 year old Mbappe that could easily be argued to be the best player in the world right now. If France were to win, you would be watching the next legend cement himself. It would be pretty awesome to be able to watch that happen.
Match Day 15 – 12/5/22
Japan 1 (F96, D28) v Croatia 1 (F85, D46) (1-3 in PKs)
Our first overtime and penalty kicks ending!!!! This was a great game with end to end action. Yet again, your expert nailed this “Don’t be surprised if Japan keep this close until the end.” Cant keep it much closer to the end then PKs. Japan were very disciplined and had great defensive shape and they countered very well. They put in a huge number of good crosses during the game, and when they kept possession of the ball they were incisive. Croatia dominated the ball and also played well, and after going down 1-0 in the first half, they responded very well in the second half when they scored. Even into overtime, the game was still interesting and their were still chances on both sides (many times overtimes become stalemates where neither team wants to lose instead of trying to win). By the end of overtime, and by the end of the game, Japan seemed to be more tired and Croatia seemed to be closer to scoring. But, then came PKs.* Turns out Japan forgot the key rule in PKs, you want to shoot the ball away from the goalie, not at them. Japan had one good shot out of 4, while Croatia had only one bad shot out of 4. Croatia calmly put away their PKs, and they advanced to the quarterfinals.
Brazil (F73, D59) v South Korea (F83, D17)
Turns out, Brazil = good. Joga Bonito. Every heard of it? South Korea = not very good. Brazil’s goals were fast and brilliant. By the 36th minute they were up 4-0 and the game was over. Brazil did not have to try after the 4th goal. I watched about 5 minutes of the second half and that was it. This is one of those that you cant be sure really tell you too much. Ya Brazil looked good, but South Korea looked really bad. Was that because Brazil was soo good, or was it because South Korea are so not good? I think it is Brazil being good. Also, Neymar played, so Brazil are going to be fine going forward.
Tomorrow’s Games
10:00 am – Morocco (F37, D115) v Spain (F90, D18)
Neigh Neigh, my Black Horse vs where I studied abroad (so basically like my home away from home) (btw have I ever told about when I studied abroad in Spain? It like totally changed everything!!) I think Morocco have a good chance against Spain, as long as they are disciplined in their defensive shape and as long as they remain patient. Spain will look to dominate the ball (as they are want to do) and with the ball they will look to find gaps in between the midfield and the back line then either find a through ball to the outside for a cross or to a decisive run for a shot. Morocco, I think, will be happy to play on the counter, and they have the talent to do so. They have tremendous speed on their outside and players that can be the change around the box. Spain’s weaknesses are their backline and their recovery during counterattacks. So, if Morocco keeps them in front of them, and then find gaps behind them, don’t be surprised to see them with the W at the end. But, if Spain put away an early chance, or if they are clinical with their chances whenever they get them, they are unstoppable. However, we have only seen the Spain once so far, and that was against Costa Rica (shoutout CONCACAF).
2:00 pm – Portugal (F95, D12) v Switzerland (F96, D7)
Portugal should win this game. More importantly, Cristiano Ronaldo has proved himself, yet again, to be the worst EVER! He threw a hissy fit when got subbed off in the last game, and his coach is pissed. Because of his little tantrum some people are saying he is going to lose his captaincy. More importantly, his own country doesn’t want him to play! Add to all of this, that he is going to take blood money to play for a Saudi Arabian team. (Messi would never do something like that.) Clearly Ronaldo is just too scared to challenge himself any further like Messi will do when he joins the best league north of Mexico—the MLS. If any of you are still on the fence with Cristiano “Narcissus just got bad media” Ronaldo, stop. If you still like him after this avalanche of evidence, then may god bless your soul. Let us hope Ronaldo doesn’t get any worse.
*A little aside I have been waiting to let loose from the clip. Let us talk about penalty kicks. No one likes them. Everyone dreads them. Yet, they are still the greatest way to end a game. To all of you dumb Americans who say: “How can games end in ties? Why don’t they play overtime until a winner is scored? Why is USA not the best team in the world?” Take a step into my office and sushy yo mouthy. Have you ever played a 90-minute soccer game? Have you ever played 30 more minutes after those first 90? If you haven’t, then why don’t you go outside, sprint 7 miles, take a 15-minute brake and then try to sprint another mile and a half. When I say sprint, I mean sprint! Now, while you are sprinting, try to think about anything other than the fact that you’re an idiot who decided to sprint 7 miles to try and prove your dumb American point. Soccer players don’t take a brake every 5 seconds (football), they don’t have constant subs (basketball/hockey), they don’t just stand their and do some chaw dawgs (baseball), and they are not just hitting a ball a few times (ping pong/tennis). Soccer players run, they sprint, they run, then sprint some more, all while keeping tactics and awareness in their heads, and while communicating with their teammates. Oh, and they are also kicking a ball with those same legs that are running all those miles. If you forced teams to play overtime every game, you would end up with injuries galore and 35-man rosters. The game would lose all its meaning and flow. If you forced teams to play overtime until someone got a winner, then you would be asking for a game to never end. If you made overtime a golden goal, then you change that fundamental game of soccer into a punt-fest with no soul. Americans need to BACK OFF of soccer and shut up. We don’t need a European super league that has no relegation. We don’t need to play more games so that everyone makes a few more dollars. AND WE DON’T NEED to do overtimes for every game. Anywhooooo…………… PK shootouts are awesome and terrible at the same time, and I cant wait for more of them this tournament. Also USA isn’t the best because Americans think their sports are better.
IM BACK!!!! I just needed a moment (aka ya boi got a little tossed yesterday, slept the rest of the day, then had to catch up with other things today). Also, mi we little heart was broken.
Match Day 13 (12/3)
10:00 am – USA 1 (F83, D29) v Netherlands 3 (F97, N13)
It is better to have loved and lost, then to never have loved at all….said some nerd who never believed in their country’s soccer team only to see them get their hearts torn out and then when the heart is about to give up to be revived only to have it stomped on and destroyed. The thing that sucks the most about this loss is that I genuinely believed, and that this game came down to simple mistakes and Greg the Egg being a huge dumb dumb with shit for brains who doesn’t know how to make an in-game tactical change to save his life. After taking bereavement time, I have been able to digest what we all just endured. We played well and we had some chances, more importantly we played well with the ball (something American teams are not known to do). What we didn’t do well was make adjustments. The Netherlands packed the middle of the field because that was where we are strongest, and they knew they could play on the counter. We decided that we were going to force it down the middle and attack with a forward that (I think) had zero touches in the entire first half. The one thing we can take from this is that our team got valuable experience. We now know we can play with the big boys. And, now we half 4 (jk 3.5 because don’t forget that we are playing in December because this World Cup is in the historically well-known soccer country of Qatar) to find an actually striker and to replace the olds (but studs) that were our center backs. Oh…. Also WE NEED A NEW HEAD COACH!!! 4 years (wait, I keep forgetting its 3.5 half years because we are playing Qatar in the winter) is a long way from now, and we cannot become complacent or think we are ready to go for the next World cup. We have to keep believing and we have to keep getting better. As for the Netherlands, blahhhhhhhhh. Who cares about them. They are fine.
2:00 pm – Argentina 2 (F84, D38) v Australia 1 (F95, D14)
Woof. The Messi-celestes won by the little hairs of their chinny-chin-chins. Messi scored a beautiful first goal, and for the rest of the first half it was all the Messisiahs. For most of the second half the Messis controlled the game, but then the own goal in the 77th went in. Australia piled on the pressure at the end, and a second one almost went in more then once. But, in the end, the Messionics did enough to win the game. Messi and the Hollowlands next play in the quarterfinals.
Match Day 14 (12/4)
10:00 am – France 3 (F89, D16) v Poland 1 (F81, D80)
France look good. Oliver Girud scored his 53rd goal and took the all-time lead for goals scored for France, Mpabbe seems to be unstoppable, and the defense looked solid. In what is becoming a trend, France went up 1-0 by scoring their first goal in the closing minutes of the first half. With that swift kick in the nuts, Poland was down but not out. However, after half, Mbappe realized [French accent] “Wei Wei, I am a freaking all star! I will now score goals.” He then scored the next two goals and put France up 3-0. Poland’s all-star Roberto Lewandowski got a redeeming, yet worthless, goal in the 99th minute to go 3-1. Things are now really starting to shape up.
2:00 pm – England 3 (scores are for UK F93, D19) v Senegal 0 (F68, D55)
England look good. This game was basically the USA game but without any goals from the losers. Senegal had a furious start and should of, could of, would of scored had it not been for Jordan I like Ford Pickups impressive goalie-ing. After that furious start, England took hold of the game and then never let go. In what is now looking to be a trend (shout out USA for being a trend setter) England scored their second goal in the dyeing moments of the first half (45+3 minutes). Unlike the USA game, England did not really let Senegal back into the game, and shut the door completely by the 57th minute. Could this be the year “Its coming home”? Honestly, probably not because the Three Lions always do something dumb, but who am I to say (jk IM THE EXPERT!!). England and France play in a bigtime quarterfinal game.
Tomorrow’s Games
10:00 am – Japan (F96, D28) v Croatia (F85, D46)
This will be a fascinating game. Will Japan let Croatia dominate the ball and work on the counter or will they try to fight with the ball? Will Croatia score (they scored 4 against Canada but no other goals against Morocco or Belgium)? Japan put people in pickles, because they can do so many things with their team. Don’t be surprised if Japan keep this close until the end. I think Croatia has the better talent and team, but Japan have done crazier things.
2:00 pm – Brazil (F73, D59) v South Korea (F83, D17)
The Brazilians are getting injured left, right and center. Neymar and Jesus injuries have hampered their attack and Telles injury could be bad for the defense. But, the thing about Brazil is that they have more Brazilians to fill in those gaps. On the other side of the V, South Korea have heart? I don’t really know what the South Koreans can do. They tied Uruguay (who didn’t advance), lost to Ghana (who didn’t advance), and beat a Portugal who had already advanced and were reeling from the devastatingly embarrassing “Ronaldo wants to claim a goal that was not his and that science proved wasn’t his but that he still forced his country to put in a formal complaint so that he would be given the goal that clearly was not his” incident. Their all-star, Son Hueng-min has yet to really do anything to match his abilities, so maybe this will be his time to shine. But, what do I know? (nothing, the answer is I know nothing jon snow). I would expect Brazil to win, but maybe Brazil is not fully up to form? That’s why we play the game folks!!
Group H
10:00 am
South Korea 2 (F83, D17) v Portugal 1 (F95, D12)
Ghana 0 (F80, D52) v Uruguay 2 (F97, D23)
This was fun to watch. South Korea advanced by scoring in the 96 min of the game! Luis “The Biter” Suarez went home crying while Heung-Min Son will approximately be making $500 million more dollars (or whatever is the same of Korean dollars) in advertisement in South Korea. Portugal still won the group, even though they lost today. More importantly, Ronaldo didn’t score. Some are saying he is overrated and a flop. That’s not me saying, but some are saying that. Uruguay did what they could, but in the end they didn’t do enough (this is the high level type of analysis you are subscribed for).
Group G
2:00 pm
Serbia 2 (F62, D111) v Switzerland 3 (F96, D7)
Brazil 0 (F73, D59) v Cameroon 1 (F15, D140)
Serbia wanted to fight the Swiss that have a connection to Serbia/Albania. In the game, the Swiss went up first, then Serbia got two before half, and then Swiss tied it up before half and go there 3rd right after half. The Swiss looked good and Serbia, a team that didn’t lose once during qualifications (I think), really got shredded (cheese pun). Swiss got their wat through with the win. In the other game, the only thing of note is that we witnessed perhaps the greatest and yet dumbest red card every seen in a football game. Cameroon scored in the 92 minute, and they thought for half a second that they had advanced (They thought Swiss and Serbia were tied). In that excitement the scorer took off his shirt (I genuinely do not know why/where this celebration comes from, but I can say that when I scored one my greatest goals ever (high school hero!!!) I instinctively tried to take my shirt off. It was a pretty sick feeling (I didn’t get it off because it took too much effort to take it off)), but he already had a yellow card (when you take off your shirt you automatically get a yellow card (which is actually the reason I didn’t take off my shirt #rulefollower)) [please send any inquires about this goal to Sammy, Cameron, Grant on Patty]. So he get a red card for getting two yellow cards. Everyone quickly realized that Cameroon were not advancing anyway, so by the time the red came out the referee, coach, and player were laughing. That was as good a way to leave the tournament as I have ever seen, but he definitely did not know Cameroon wasn’t going through. Which means the scorer (Vincent Aboubakar) was a big big dumb dumb. See picture below.
There was also a buttcrack in the middle of the field.
Tomorrow’s Games
This is it everyone. The tournament is now moving to its knockout stages, and so now every game is win or go home. This means games WILL go into overtime (two 15-minute halves that are played all the way through regardless of the score: aka no Golden Goal) and PKs (best of 5 and then sudden death PKs). This is when butts start their puckering and fingernails are on a national shortage. In fact, the nail shortage is so stark right now that the nails decided not to grow anymore, but the hands have come together and decided it is now illegal for the nails to not grow (it would be a danger to the body if the nails stopped working!). Go find a bar tomorrow or Sunday and watch the games with other people.
PLAY THIS BEFORE READING
10:00 am – USA (F83, D29) v Netherlands (F97, N13)
Is the song above on? Are you sure?
Take a breath…………………………
NETHERLANDS ARE GOING DOWN AND WE ARE GOING TO WIN!!! We have Tim Weah, Josh Sargent (we hope), Yunus Musah, Brendan Aaronson, Antonee Robinson, Timmy Ream, Sergiño Dest, Weston Mckennie, Matt Turner, TYLER ADAMS, anD CHRISTIAN “FREAKING” PULISIC. WE GOT THIS PEOPLE.
Come into my office and take a seeat…. Now look, I don’t think this is a cake walk, or that we have no weaknesses, but everyone has to listen when I say we are really good (I am expert afterall). Our defense has only let in one goal this tournament, and that was from a doodoo PK. In the middle we have dominated each midfield we have played. Up top, we are being free, creative, and incisive. We have shown an ability to control play, we can get around pressure, and heart. [To all you haters out there] I get it, the Neanderthals are good and have some good players. Frankie de Jong as an excellent young and very talented midfielder, Virgil van Dijk is one of the best (maybe the best right now) center defenders in the world, and Cody Gakpo is tied for golden boot (most goals) award right now. But, the team is dull. They have been doing what the need to, but not convincingly (scored in the 89 and 98 minutes against Senegal and only two against Qatar).
The U.S. are so young (second youngest team in the world cup, and started the youngest team so far in the last game) that they do not know what to fear. They have big game experience and they have cohesion. Pulisic is supposed to be playing tomorrow, and if he is healthy he will find space to work in. Even without Pulisic we have Gio Reyna and others to fill in. WE CAN DO THIS!!! POSITIVE VIBES ONLY!!
Go find a local bar and watch the game with your fellow Americans. Sing out the anthem. Cry a little. Then live off the every touch of the soccer ball for 90+ minutes. Don’t give in …. don’t give up….ever. Don’t ever give up. I promise you, you will not see a team work harder for the rest of this tournament. We are gona go inside of them, and outside of them, inside of them, outside of them, and when we got them on the run once, we are going to keep them on the run. WE ARE GOING TO FIGHT! USA!!! USA!!! USA!! [Eagle flies overhead)
PUMP UP 1 (on point)
PUMP UP UP (especially for the ND people)
PUMP UP UP UP (Watch out for the amount Fucks)
PUMP UP UP UP UP (Tebow make me laugh everytime!)
P.S. I asked my wife: “What are the chance you think I don’t get drunk during the game tomorrow?” She said, without even a moments pause: “0%.” Soooooo ya.
PPS. If we lose it will be totally fine, again this is just a game.
P.P.PS I thought about it a little more, and….. JUST KIDDING! Everyone knows this is all that matters!! It will kill me if we lose. So, let’s not lose.
2:00 pm – Argentina (F84, D38) v Australia (F95, D14)
Lets go Messi
12/1/22 – Match Day 12
Group F
10:00 am
Belgium 0 (F96, D11) v. Croatia 0 (F85, D46)
Am I the most intelligent and awesome expert? Some people are asking that. I am not asking that, nor would I ever say something like that. I just report what I hear. With that out the way, let us go to the games. Hand up, I was wrong about one thing with the Belgis. I forgot about their second morning nap from 9:30 to 11:00 am. That first half was completely dominated by Croatia. But then (I guess to their credit, but not really), they took their Viagra and got up for the second half. However, they must have put on the wrong prescription glasses because they couldn’t hit the goal even when it was right in front of them. Croatia on the other hand played well throughout and defended well towards the end of the game, but they also should have scored a goal. Croatia advance with the tie.
Canada (F98, D24) 1 v. Morocco 2 (F37, D115)
NNNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!! (because they are my Black Horse) Morocco came out firing and did not stop. They are for real. Canada, [southern drawl] god bless them, did not roll over and give up even when they went down 2-0 and even though their goal came from a Morocco own goal. Morocco win the group and advance with this win.
Group E
2:00 pm
What a wild ride these two games were. I feel sorry for anyone who could not watch both games at the same time (humble brag, I have a TV and a laptop (ya, I know ya boi is ballin!)).
Japan 2 (F96, D28) v. Spain 1 (F90, D18)
Quote: “Spain should dominate this game, but that is exactly when Japan is at their most dangerous.” And, like any good Supreme Court Justice, I will act like that was all that was said previously thus making me sound like the most intelligent person in the world. The most illustrative fact of this game is that Japan only had 17% possession of the ball, and that is the least amount of possession a team has had who have won a world cup game (I heard something like this somewhere, but as I promised I will not be checking anything). Japan did exactly what they needed to do, and Spain seemed to have runout of ideas in the attacking third by the end of the game. Spain got lucky in the end because for part of the second half they Costa Rica was going to advance and not them. However, in the end Spain advances with Japan.
Costa Rica 2 (F91, D4) v. Germany 4 (F94, D9)
Hansi Flicked his last booger and Germany say auf Wiedersehen after group play for the second world cup in a row. Germany looked OK in the first half and went up 1-0 in that half, but their defense looked suspect. On the other side of the pitch, I give the “Biggest Heart” award to Los Ticos. After getting absolutely dragged 7-0 by Spain in their first game, they did not give up and absolutely put in full effort and this almost got them through to the next round. Even in this game, after going down 1-0, they came back and get themselves to 2-1. By the end of the game though, they looked absolutely gassed and their talent level could not match the Germans. Even though the Germans won this game, their lack of play in their first two games doomed them. Bye bye both teams.
Tomorrow’s Games
Group H
10:00 am
South Korea (F83, D17) v Portugal (F95, D12)
Ghana (F80, D52) v Uruguay (F97, D23)
Portugal (and that turd named Ronaldo) have already advanced, but all 3 other teams are fighting for the last spot. Ghana are in the driver’s seat for that spot as they could advance with a tie (they would need South Korea to tie as well). Uruguay and South Korea both need to win and have Ghana to tie or lose to Uruguay. These should be very scintillating games that could go either way or could all end up in 0-0 ties. I HIGHLY recommend having both games on at the same time. My projections and calculations* predict that Portugal and Ghana will advance.
Group G
2:00 pm
Serbia (F62, D111) v Brazil (F73, D59)
Cameroon (F15, D140) v Switzerland (F96, D7)
(Did I copy and paste the above and just switch the teams? No one will ever know.) Brazil have already advanced, but all 3 other teams are fighting for the last spot. Switzerland are in the driver’s seat for that spot as they could advance with a tie (they would need Serbia to tie or win by only one). Cameroon and Serbia both need to win and Serbia to tie or lose to Brazil. I expect Switzerland to dominate their game and from Brazil to dominate theirs, but all four teams have the ability to score. Thus, ball domination will not necessarily determine who wins or loses. My projections and calculations* predict that Brazil and Switzerland will advance.
*This is what my projections and calculations look like:
11/30/22 – Match Day 11
Group D
10:00 am
Tunisia 1 (F64, D74) v France 0 (F89, D16)
This game didn’t really matter. I didn’t watch this game. Happy Tunisia got a win but France had already won the group.
Australia 1 (F95, D14) v Denmark 0 (F97, D2)
The Kangaroos said, [Australian accent] “Oi! Get that black horse ([no accent] Denmark were every other experts* black horse of the tournament). Oi! It looks injured their mate. Oi! We got to take that black horse out into the outback and put it down.” Needless to say, they followed through with their word and took Denmark out back and put them out of their misery. Denmark did not seem to have any motivation for this game, while Australia were more then willing to go for it. [Australian Accent] Good on ya ya Ausies!
Group C
2:00 pm
Poland 0 (F81, D80) v Argentina 2 (F84, D38)
Saudi Arabia 1 (F7, D 171) v Mexico 2 (F60, D87)
What a doozy these games were. Argentina absolutely dominated Poland. Mexico dominated Saudi Arabia. Messi, after getting clobbered in the face by the Polish goalkeeper (Messi is so strong!) and then missing the subsequent PK (likely because he was still trying recover from almost being murdered) asked for help from his teammates (something Ronaldo would never do, cough cough Abdul and Dan) and his teammates responded. The crazy thing was that at one point Mexico (when it was 2-0 in Mexico) and Poland (when it was 2-0 Argentina) were tied in points, goal differential, and goals scored, and so Poland was going to go through because they had less yellow cards then Mexico.** Then Saudi Arabia scored and Poland went through on goal differential. That said, Poland got lucky, Argentina could have one or two more goals, and that would have put Mexico through.
Tomorrow’s Games
Group F
10:00 am
Belgium (F96, D11) v. Croatia (F85, D46)
The geriatrics over in Belgium are lucky that their game is in the morning before their blue plate special dinner at 4:30 pm, and right after their mid-morning nap (mid-morning is 7:30 am because they wake up at 4:00 am without an alarm) while watching 24-hour news. But, that is where their luck stops. Croatia control their destiny with a tie or a win, so they will not want to lose. That means that they most likely wont lose. However, Belgium still have good players and a good team, so if they have any respect for themselves (which is increasingly seeming like they don’t) they will come out with effort and good play. Belgium will advance if they win, or if they tie and Canada beats Morocco by 4 or more (only slightly unlikely). Croatia advance with a win or tie, or if they lose and Morocco lose.
Canada (F98, D24) v. Morocco (F37, D115)
Canada are the only team that are unable to advance from this group, but I think (unlike Belgium) their youth and desire to win will get them to pumped up for this game. I also think Morocco will be fired up for this game because they will need to win to ensure they advance. This game should be very fun to watch. Morocco can go through if they tie and the other game ties or Croatia wins, and as my personal dark horse I expect them to go through and for Belgium to not get out.
Group E
2:00 pm
Japan (F96, D28) v. Spain (F90, D18)
Spain should dominate this game, but that is exactly when Japan is at their most dangerous. Japan is usually willing to put in the defensive work and attack on the counter, but they will have to be clinical in front of goal in order to get a point or three from this game. I expect Spain to be too dominating though and for them to get the win. Spain will get through with a win or a tie, or if they lose and the other game ends in a tie or with a German win. Japan will get through with a win or if they tie and the other game ties or if Germany win by one and Japan scores more than one goal in the tie.
Costa Rica (F91, D4) v. Germany (F94, D9)
On paper Germany should win, but who knows with this game. Costa Rica looked like garbanzo beans in their first game drubbing by Spain, but then somehow got the win against Japan. Germany are confusing. They had a good half and a bad half against Japan, and then lost because of that. They then played pretty well (not great) against Spain and got a tie from that. If they don’t bring the effort and play to their ability they will be singing “So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, good night” to all their friends at the tournament. I really do not know how this game will go, but if I bet the game I would put my money on Germany. Germany get through with a win and the other game ties or if Japan lose. Costa Rica get through with a win or a tie and a lose by Japan.
*I am clearly the best expert because they were not my dark horse.
** We also found out that if the teams had the same number of yellow and red cards (fair play points), then the final tiebreaker is pulling lots (soooo European of them).
11/29/22 – Match Day 10
Play this song now.
USA 1 (F83, D29) v Iran 0 (F14, D142)
WEEEE WOOOONNNNNNNN!!!!! WEEEEEEEEEE ADDDVANCED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!
USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!
Look, the second half was not exactly what we wanted. We were not able to control the ball as much and we never got a second goal which would have given us a lot more comfort. But, in the first half we dominated and played like kings! If we play like we did in in the first half, like we did in the England game, and like we did in the first half of Wales, we could shock the world. Pulisic is a national hero. We deserve to enjoy this win tonight, and then tomorrow it is on to the Netherlands…. Or is it Holland? (I mean come on! Pick one already!) And who would ever pick their color to be orange? What have they ever done for the world anyways? I heard their mother’s don’t even like them. Also, they should all definitely be drug tested. We will come back to all this later, for tonight lets forget everything else (like finals) and enjoy a beautiful moment in time.
Wales 0 (scores are for UK F93, D19) v England 3 (scores are for UK F93, D19)
Nobody cared about this game. England won and advance, big whop-di-do. Bye bye Wales.
Group A
Ecuador 1 (F71, D70) v Senegal 2 (F68, D55)
This game lived up to its build up. Both teams fought hard, but in the end Senegal (the USA of Group A) got the win they needed to advance. On the bright side for Ecuador, their team is even younger then the USA, so they should have a very bright future ahead of them. Also, I absolutely hated the PK Senegal got. Calls like that make you think…maybe we should just all cut off our arms so that there is no chance a ball hits them. Such a dumb call.
Netherlands 2 (F97, N13) v Qatar 0 (F25, D155)
You want to talk about a game no one cared about. I mean look at this guy…
One note: Qatar are the first host country to lose their first game and to not win a single game in their World Cup. Literally nobody is surprised about this.
Tomorrow’s Games
Group D
10:00 am
Tunisia (F64, D74) v France (F89, D16)
Australia (F95, D14) v Denmark (F97, D2)
France has already advanced and they have already won the group. They will have many nonstarters playing this game, so that could be somewhat helpful to Tunisia. Australia will advance if they tie or win. Denmark and Tunisia need to win to have a chance to advance. If Denmark win, they need Tunisia to not to win or that Tunisia win by less than Denmark win by. If Tunisia win, they need either (1) Denmark to win by less then them or (2) for Australia and Tunisia to tie. On paper, Denmark has the best chance to get through with France, but don’t trust paper.
Group C
2:00 pm
Poland (F81, D80) v Argentina (F84, D38)
Saudi Arabia (F7, D 171) v Mexico (F60, D87)
This group is completely up in the air and any of the four teams could advance to the next round. If Poland, Argentina, or Saudi Arabia win, they would advance no matter what happens in the other game. If Mexico wins, they would need (1) they would need to win by 4 or more goals and have Argentina and Poland tie or (2) have Argentina lose. If Argentina and Poland tie, then Poland would advance and Argentina would need the other game to tie or Mexico to win but by 3 goals or less to advance. If Saudi Arabia and Mexico tie, then Mexico will not advance and Saudi Arabia would need Argentina to lose to advance. Everything super clear? Good. As the expert that I am, I can firmly tell you that I have absolutely no clue how this group will shake out. This is why this tournament is awesome!*
*The fact teams are playing is awesome. The tournament itself is not awesome because of the slave labor, the corruption, the fact the tournament was moved 6 months so that people didn’t die in the heat, the sports washing the Qatari government is conducting, the thousands of deaths from the construction for the world cup, and everything else that is horrible about FIFA, Qatar, the World Cup and everything the surrounds it.
11/28/22 – Match Day 9
It was a Goal-a-polozaaa!!!!
On the one day I had to be in court all day—representing others not because I did anything (I can hear pretty much everyone on this newsletter making a joke about me being in court)—the World Cup decided it was going to give us all the goals.
Group G
Cameroon 3 (F15, D140) v Serbia 3 (F62, D111)
Look, I grown up enough to admit when I may have been wrong. Anyways…. What a game this was, and just a couple goals scored. As I said in my preview, this was always going to be an offensive show, because Serbia doesn’t know how to play defense and neither does Cameroon. Now, with Brazil having won their game, if either of these teams can win their last group play game, they will have a chance to go through. However, Cameroon play Brazil and Serbia plays Switzerland. Neither of these games will be easy to win, and for Serbia, Switzerland will be looking for a tie and so will be able to pack it in. Good luck to both teams.
Brazil 1 (F73, D59) v Switzerland 0 (F96, D7)
I happen to watch 30 minutes of this game while I was eating the worst salad mine mouth hath ever touched (see picture above). I am almost positive that the salad came straight from a bag and that the bag was at least a week past expiration. There were weird hard bits in the salad and it made me sad to eat. Did I tell the server that the salad was bad? Of course not, because I will do anything to avoid conflict/awkwardness. As for the game, Switzerland had all of about zero chances, and Brazil had one goal called off for offsides and should have had two other goals….at least. The goal Brazil did get was absolutely gorgeous. They have now punched their ticket for the next round, and so they can put out some bench players for their next game if they so choose. Switzerland need just a tie to go through.
Group H (Groupo de Deatho!!!)
South Korea 2 (F83, D17) v Ghana 3 (F80, D52)
These were two teams that wanted to win. Ghana went up 2-0 after a domineering first half, but South Korea did not give in or give up. They fought their way back to 2-2 in the second half with good play and great effort. However, Ghana, after already giving up their 2 goal lead, did not give up either and found their 3rd goal. South Korea kept fighting, all the way to the 100 minute (there was over 10 minutes of extra time). Ghana held on for the win, and now they find themselves in a good position to get out of this group. With a win against Uruguay they will get through to the next round, and with a tie they could get through. South Korea could also find their way through with a win against Portugal, who after getting through to the next round already, may be playing a slightly weaker team.
Portugal 2 (F95, D12) v Uruguay 0 (F97, D23)
I don’t know why (JK yes I do. It is because of Ronaldo and Machado), but I want Portugal to always lose. Despite theses desires, and despite Uruguay having a very cute former president, Portugal keeps winning. They just keep winning and I hate it. Uruguay had some chances, but Portugal was the better team and better chances and (most importantly) the only goals. The one bright line from this game, Ronaldo thought he had a goal but it was given to another Portugal player. So, basically Ronaldo is as useful as a poopy flavored lollipop (Dodgeball). With the win, Portugal advances from this group. Uruguay still have a chance, but they need to beat Ghana and have South Korea not beat Portugal.
Things to Look Forward to
A note. The final games of group play are played at the same time. This is because soccer players are cheaters. More specifically, in the 1994 World Cup, West Germany and Austria played their final group play game and colluded to make sure they both got through. They were able to do this because the other two teams in their group—Algeria and Chile—had already played, so West Germany and Austria knew what the score needed to be in their game for both to get through. There was a total of 2 shots on goal in the game, West Germany won 1-0, and both teams advanced. After that game, FIFA (always worried about cheating or even the appearance of impropriety) made sure that the final game of each group play is played at the same time to avoid what happened in 1994. For more info: https://www.miamiherald.com/sports/fifa-world-cup/article269320907.html.
Another note: Tie breakers for the world cup (so if two teams end up with the same amount of points after the last group play game) are (1) goal difference (how many goals scored minus how many goals scored against you) and then (2) how many goals scored. This could come into play in multiple groups over the next few days.
Group A
10:00 am
Ecuador (F71, D70) v Senegal (F68, D55)
Netherlands (F97, N13) v Qatar (F25, D155)
Qatar cannot advance to the next round. Netherlands and Ecuador both have 4 points, Senegal has 3 points. Netherland and Ecuador need a tie or win to advance. Senegal needs to win to advance (they could also advance if they tied and Netherlands last by 3 or more goals to Qatar). The game to watch: Ecuador v Senegal.
Group B
2:00 pm
Wales (scores are for UK F93, D19) v England (scores are for UK F93, D19)
USA (F83, D29) v Iran (F14, D142)
I wont get hyperbolic. I wont by overly dramatic. This is just a game and what happens tomorrow has no meaning in real life………………… SAID NO ONE!!! Play this song now. This is it. Starting at 2pm, our next four years will be defined by what happens over 90 minutes tomorrow My happiness will be determined by what happens tomorrow. I will pass my finals depending on what happens tomorrow (jk Sara) (not jk though). Bottom line? USA HAS TO WIN. If they don’t they do not advance and (more importantly) I will perish from pain and suffering. If any of you are watching the other game instead of the USA game, you are DEAD to me. Luckily, this game has zero geo-political story lines to it. So, with that, lets all strap in, put on our American gear, and send out positive vibes only!
FYI – I will have my phone off from 1:20 pm until when I finish watching the game because I have freaking class at 1:20 until 3:20. So, don’t even try to talk to me tomorrow.
11/27/22 – Match Day 8
REMINDER: There are freedom and democracy scores next to each country. So, when you see (F#, D#), don’t be confused. F is the freedom score (out of 100 and the higher the number the more freedom) and D is the Democracy index score (out of 176 every the lower the number the better).
Group E
Japan 0 (F96, D28) v Costa Rica 1 (F91, D4)
Uncle Rico with the BIG Win!!! Even though I said Japan was for sure going to win yesterday, inside I knew Los Ticos were going to win. So, we will call it a wash in terms of my expertness. From the two highlights I watched of the game I am (1) happy I didn’t watch it live because it seemed like it was a boring game and (2) very unlucky for Japan to get the loss. This is a classic World Cup game where the better team dominates but doesn’t have great chances and then the other team just kind of dicks in a goal out of nowhere.
Spain (F90, D18) v Germany (F94, D9)
With the win by Costa Rica, Germany entered this game with a bit less desperation as they could not be eliminated with a loss. But, Germany still needed points from this game to have a serious chance of getting through. Spain looked the better team overall, but Germany had very good moments throughout the game. The tactics of this game were the overarching theme as Spain held possession through the first half and until they scored their goal in the second half. Then, out of true desperation, Germany pushed forward at full tilt. Though Spain likely should have had one or two more goals during this time, Germany had numerous chances and found the equalizer. Both teams leave this game with ability to go through to the next round with a win in their final game.
Group F
Belgium 0 (F96, D11) v. Morocco 2 (F37, D115)
I was so freaking right, it is not even funny. I should be getting paid for giving you all my brain information. Morocco dominated the geriatric* Belgiums (also the Belsh (pretty sure that’s not right) jerseys are soooo trash. They have little flames on them like a 1990s boy band/Guy Fierri). Morocco are the real deal. The greatest enemy Morocco have are themselves. They need to not get big heads and think they are better then they are. They also need to continue out working their opponents and having great communication in their defense. Belgium on the other hand need to WAKE UP from their old person nap and play like they want to be there. I would not be surprised if they don’t make it out of their group. Especially because they play Croatia next, and both teams will want/need a win to advance out of the group. Morocco next play Canada, and need to win to control their destiny (although a tie could get them through).
*Look what Belgium’s star said:
Croatia 3 (F85, D46) v Canada 1 (F98, D24)
I mean, when I’m right I’m right (#stayhumble). Canada played with the desperation they were in and for the first 15 minutes it looked like they would get two goals in. If that would have happened, it might have been the night for Canada. But, as I said yesterday “Croatia will not let this moment get too big,” and they didn’t. Croatia took the initial punch from Canada’s 1st minute goal and then settled in and let their class shine. By the end of the game, just as Canada could have scored more than once in the first 15 minutes, Croatia could have scored more then 3 goals. Croatia looked like a team that knew what it needed to do, and that they knew they were going to do what they needed to do. They could go far. Canada is now the second team (Qatar was first) that has been eliminated from the World Cup.
Things to Look Forward to
Group G
5am – Cameroon v Serbia
Serbia should win. I think this will not be a high scoring game, in part, because Serbia is unlikely to concede a goal. Serbia are surprisingly good, and they have the tools to go far into this tournament. They also need to win to remain in a good position in this group. I don’t expect Cameroon to give up, but they just don’t have the players or team play to get anywhere.
11am – Brazil v Switzerland
Brazil are going to Brazil. Even though they will not be playing with Neymar (arguably one of the best 5 players in the world), Brazil have more than enough talent to beat the brakes off of Switzerland. The one thing that could make the game close is that Switzerland is not dumb, and they know that they will have to be solid defensively and play off the counter. The Swiss are a good team (aka willing to do what it takes to win) and they may be able to make the game slow, but in the end Brazil’s talent should come through for the win.
Group H (Group of DEATH!)
8am – South Korea v Ghana
Both South Korea and Ghana will be coming into this game with a huge desire to get the win, and so I think that will lead to a tie. I expect to this game to be played up and down the field, but even if one team gets a goal I think the other team will put in enormous effort to get the equalizer. But, just to hedge myself, South Korea could also end up with the win by being the more levelheaded team, and by getting a goal and then being clinical with counterattacks afterwards.
2 pm – Portugal v Uruguay
Uruguay need the win, Portugal want the win. This game is a toss-up for me. Both teams are about as good as each other. I think Portugal has the edge in overall talent, but Uruguay is usually a very cohesive team. I would prefer Portugal to lose because Cristiano Ronaldo is a not the GOAT and he is big dumb idiot that no one likes. However, Suarez (Uruguay’s star striker) likes to bite people. He likes it so much that he has bitten people 3 TIMES! So, I guess I am saying I’d rather take a biter over a cheater. Also, Uruguay’s president from 2010-2015 was an awesome cute old man. I mean look at him!
So hopefully Uruguay wins.
11/26/22 – Match Day 7
I will be adding notes about tomorrow’s games starting with this newsletter. (I should probably be focusing on my law school finals, but this is way more fun) (Plus, let us not act like I didn’t start this newsletter as an “excuse” to watch every game)
REMINDER: There are freedom and democracy scores next to each country. So, when you see (F#, D#), don’t be confused. F is the freedom score (out of 100 and the higher the number the more freedom) and D is the Democracy index score (out of 176 every the lower the number the better).
Group C
Poland 2 (F81, D80) – Saudi Arabia 0 (F7, D 171 – soooo surprising…..not)
Argentina 2 (F84, D38) – Mexico 0 (F60, D87)
Poland got lucky and then took advantage. In the first half Saudi Arabia should have gone ahead as they got a PK and then it was blocked. The Saudis played very well, and made their win against Argentina not look as crazy as it is. But, Lewandowski (Poland star forward) finally got his first World Cup goal and the Poles put the game out of reach. Argentina is back. They did what they needed to against Mexico in their 2-0 win. To be fair, Mexico looked like they had been given sedatives before the game, but that is in part because of Argentina’s defense. Messi had a great goal and the rest was history. Argentina are now a good, but in no way set, position to get through to the next round. They need to win against Poland to ensure they get through. I Mexico can beat Saudi Arabia next game they also still have a chance, but it would come down to goal differential.
Group D
Australia 1 (F95, D14) – Tunisia 0 (F64, D74)
France 2 (F89, D16) – Denmark 1 (F97, D2)
Australia got a BIG win today against Tunisia. That is especially true after how good the Eagles of Carthage (one of the better nicknames) played against Denmark. Australia now controls their own destiny. If they can win their next game against Denmark, they will advance. If they tie, then they will need France to win or tie against Tunisia. However, because France is the first team to punch their ticket into the next round, and because they are guaranteed to be the winner of the group, they are likely to put out many bench players into their starting 11 for the next game against Tunisia. France being France, their bench players are still ballers, but it could give Tunisia the chance they need to get a win. Going back to Denmark, they also still have everything to play for. If they beat Australia and Tunisia does not beat France, then they will advance. So, in summary, France advanced and everyone else still has a shot (Denmark and Australia have the better chance compared to Tunisia).
Things to Look Forward to
Group E
5am – Japan (F96, D28) v Costa Rica (F91, D4)
I promise you I am not waking up for this game. Expect Japan to dominate this game with solid possession but Los Ticos will likely still remain defiant and feisty. Japan should win rather easily. If Japan win, they get through to the next round.
2pm – Spain (F90, D18) v Germany (F94, D9)
Though this game is between two giants of the footballing world, this game should be dominated by Spain. This will likely be a very tactical game. Germany will try to absorb the pressure and have possession of their own, but their best attacks will probably come from quick counters. Spain has the better players, team, and style, and so they should win. But, after the loss to Japan Germany will be the more desperate team, and desperation can be a great motivator. If Spain win then they get through to the next round.
Group F
8am – Belgium (F96, D11) v. Morocco (F37, D115)
I would not be surprised if Morocco won this game (plus as my appointed dark horse I want them to win). Belgium is the better team on paper, but they are also older. Belgium will need to keep possession and dictate the tempo of this game, and this means the will need Kevin de Bruyne to have a very good game in their midfield. If Morocco can stay solid defensively, they will have plenty of counterattacking chances with the youth and speed that they have. Morocco also has the capability of keeping possession, but I think they will be happy with or without the ball—something I don’t think is true for Belgium. If Belgium win they get through to the next round.
11am – Croatia (F85, D46) v Canada (F98, D24)
I think Croatia will show their class in this game. Luke Modric and the rest of the Croatians are a very unified team, and they have an immense amount of experience. Croatia will not let this moment get too big. On the other hand, I think Canada will show their youth and inexperience. After losing to Belgium, Canada are the most desperate team in this group, and will likely play balls to the walls. They have the players to score and their defense is solid, but I have a feeling (especially after the Canadian head coaches comments: “We are going to “F” Croatia up.”) that Croatia is going to take them out back and poop on them.
11/25/22 – Match Day 6
Waking up for the 5 am game on 11/24/22 was a mistake. Per the request of Dr. Charles D. Kenney Ph.D. I will also be putting freedom and democracy scores next to each country. So when you see (F#, D#), don’t be confused. F is the freedom score (out of 100 and the higher the number the more freedom) and D is the Democracy index score (out of 176 every the lower the number the better). What harm does a little learning do?
Group A –
Qatar (F25, D155) 1 – Senegal (F68, D55) 3
Netherlands (F97, N13) 1 – Ecuador (F71, D70) 1
Qatar stinks, Senegal is good, Netherlands is frustrating, and Ecuador is playing better then what most expected. In the tie, La Tri looked like the better team and the Netherlands should feel lucky to have gotten out of the game with a tie. However, with that tie the Netherlands has all but gotten out of the group as their final group play game is against Qatar. That said, Ecuador and Senegal also have their destiny in their own hands and they play each other in their final group play game. Ecuador need to tie or win, and Senegal (likely) will need a win to advance.
Group B –
Wales 0 (scores are for UK F93, D19) v Iran (F14, D142) 2
USA (F83, D29) 0 – England (scores are for UK F93, D19) 0
Who would have thought Iran would win a game?! After the starting goalkeeper for Wales got a straight Red Card, Iran scored twice in the stoppage time at the end of the game. In the other game, objectively speaking, the United States are probably the best team that has ever played the beautiful game of fútbol. The US came out slowly and England dominated the first 20 minutes of the game, but after that the US took charge and never let go. We had the better chances, the more interesting play, and dictated the match. Now, with Iran having won, everyone in Group B still has a chance to get through to the next round. In good news, USA controls their destiny if they get a win against Iran. In not great news, if USA ties Iran we have to have England beat Wales (which they should do but this tournament has already given us more dramatic upsets). So, next Tuesday at 2 pm EST the USA needs to make sure to win.
Extra Note
You are going to get two emails today!! (WOOH!)
11/24/22 – Match Day 5
Switzerland 1 v Cameroon 0
Shout out to all those who doubted me (aka my wife). I woke up for this freaking game and didn’t fall back to sleep! Also, the beginning of the Swiss national anthem sounds like Happy Birthday. The highlight of this game: the Air Conditioning in the stadium. No less than three separate times did the commentators get so bored by the game that they started talking about being a “a little chilly” or how the A/C was a “treat.” Reminder, we are playing in Qatar and so stadiums (with open roofs) have A/C to make it possible to play in the desert. So, way to go A/C! As for the game, Swiss were good and Cameroon weren’t. The Indomitable Lions at times looked like they didn’t know how to pass and at other times they looked uninspired and confused. The one player that had a good game for them was there keeper who had multiple big saves. The Swiss dominated the game and had multiple good chances. They should have scored more than one goal, but the one goal that was scored was by a Peruvian (so I think that makes Peru the ultimate winner this World Cup). Breel Embolo was born in Cameroon to a Peruvian mother and Cameroon father, he later missed another goal but that was his Cameroonian side coming out. One note, the Swiss generally had good crosses.* Swiss are now in a good position to get out of Group G, but next they play Brazil while Cameroon play Serbia.
6 – the commentors are “a little chilly” from the air conditioning inside the stadiums even though it was a hot day. Prayers up to the commentators that have to go through so much
9 – Cameroon with a big chance off the counter (Swiss been dominating possession)
18 – Swiss fully dominating the ball
22 – Cameroon dontt really look like they know how to pass the ball unless it is to quick counter
29 – Cameroon getting better at passing and put together a good chance
34 – game is opening up for both sides, but Cameroon with the better chances
42 – not really anything too interesting
44 – game so interesting the commentators talk about the A/C again
End of half – boring
47 – 3rd time commentators talk about how much the A/C is a “treat”
47 – Goal for Swiss by Embolo (born in Cameroon and mom is Peruvian) – good movement by Swiss + Cameroon looked asleep
64 – not really paying attention
65 – amazing save by Cameroon keeper, keeps it 1-0
66 – actually good cross from Swiss corner* (should have been scored by Embolo (Cameroon side of him showing itself))
69 – Cameroon getting more of a hold on the game, but Swiss still have better chances
82 – not paying attention again
91 – Cameroon look uninspired and confused
94 – Swiss should have scored off a Cameroon mistake
Uruguay 0 v South Korea 0
Fun Fact: The first World Cup was held in Uruguay in 1930. Both teams looked good in this breathless tie. In what is this year’s actual group of death, a zero to zero tie is good for both teams. Neither finds themselves in a bad spot. However, the problem will be that this tie also does not put either ahead of the other. With games against Portugal and Ghana remaining, Group H will be likely be decided on the last day of group play.
14 – Suarez hasn’t bitten anyone yet.
19 – Suarez’s face always looks like he is smelling a fart
23 – S. Korea playing well (stout defense and good play up top) but Uruguay is dominating the ball
25 – Son Heung Min is good.
29 – Landon Donovan’s voice makes me want to punch my ears
33 – S. Korea should have scored
42 – Uruguay almost score off a corner (Godin header)
End of half – entertaining half
Portugal 3 v Ghana 2
Unfortunately, Portugal look pretty good. Cristian Ronaldo cheated his way to the first goal and afterwards Ghana responded well. But Portugal was too much in the end. They put themselves in a good position in Group H
31 – CR tries to cheat his way to a goal but referee catches him
60 – game is getting chippy
62 – CR Cheats his way to a PK and he scored it (he sucks)
72 – Ghana gets equalizer
77 – Joao Felix gets portugals second
79 – 3-1
82 – 3-2 after Joao, CR, and silva get subbed off
96 – Chippy game
99 – Ghana almost got a sneaky goal
Brazil 2 – Serbia 0
Brazil is good but also Serbia is pretty good. Brazil is likley to win Group G but Serbia could also find their way out.
*Professional soccer players seem to be unable to cross a ball properly from a set piece. It is infuriating to watch professionals either not hit the ball beyond the first defender or to completely overshoot everyone. How are they so bad at set piece crossing?! (Shoutout high school self who was sick at set piece crossing.)
Extra Note:
Denmark is trying to talk to the other European nations to leave FIFA because FIFA banned them and 6 other countries from wearing rainbow armbands.
Fun Fact
Apparently, the plural of stadium is stadia. At least according to the 5 am commentators.
Tomorrows games:
5:00 am – Wales v. Iran
8:00 am – Qatar v Senegal
11:00 am – Ecuador v. Netherlands
2:00 pm – USA v. England
11/23/22 – Match Day 4
Morocco 0 v. Croatia 0
Am I too old to wake up at 5 am to watch a soccer game? Seems like it. But T-god for recording live tv because I actually watched this game. Morocco is a spicy little team. They have great players throughout their starting 11 and play very well together. I am marking them as my dark horse. Croatia, with Luka Modric orchestrating, is a top end team in this World Cup. Though this was a goalless tie, I was pleasantly intrigued by this games and the physical and creative play by both teams. Overall, Morocco dominated the match and possession, but Croatia had the better chances. I think Group F might have the most evenly match teams, and I would not be surprised to see both these teams find their way out of the group. Lets see if I get up for tomorrow’s 5 am-er.
25 – pretty even game
26 – Morocco have seem pretty good players (little spicyer a team then I realized)
33 – good physical game
44 – still even game – but Croatia with a big chance
45+1 – very close shot from Modric
63 – Morocco looking good
69 – Croatia with possession but not threatening with it (except right after I wrote this they started getting good crosses in)
75 – Is Croatia starting to take hold of the game?
79 – seems like it
Germany 1 v Japan 2
For the second time in two world cups Germany and Hansi I Flick My Boogers At You loses its first game. So, is Germany bad? No, but they don’t have a superstar and don’t seem to have too much of an identity. And, in the first half those facts didn’t seem to matter as they dominated Japan and got a PK goal. On the other side, Japan did what Japan does at World Cups. They win. Nobody ever really thinks Japan will do too much, but they always outperform. The second half was all Japan. In this year’s group of death (not really because Group H is probably harder but I am still going to say it) Germany have a very hard road ahead of them to get out of Group E, while Japan find themselves in the driver seat. Germany plays Spain next and Japan plays Costa Rica
Spain 7 v Costa Rica 0
URGENT BULLETIN: [insert old timey newsreel sounds] WE HAVE A MURDER TO REPORT IN QATAR!….. Look, there were no real expectations for the Ticos, but you hate to see a team get embarrassed like that. They are for sure not getting out of Group E. On the flipitty flop, Spain is a monster. If they play like they did today they will win the World Cup, but a few things to take note of. (1) They were playing Costa Rica. (2) Costa Rica is not good. (3) Spain’s backline was not challenged. So, for all the goals today, it will be their next game against Germany that will be when we find out how good Spain really is. Spain’s backline has historically been their weakness, so they need to be tested against stronger attackers. But again, if they dominate the ball and a game like they did today, they are winning the World Cup.
Belgium 1 v Canada 0
Being a Belgium fan has to be the worst. Belgium’s (aging) golden generation has been so good, but they always have flaws. This game was the epitome of that. Canada dominated the match, but against the run of play Belgium got a goal. Even after the goal, Canada still continued to dominate the game. Belgium has some good players, but I don’t trust them to be real contenders for this World Cup. That said, Thibaut Courtois was an absolute beast this game. He blocked another VAR PK (ball don’t lie) and then came up big at least two other times. If it weren’t for him Belgium would have lost. Canada still has everything to play for in Group F as they should have very good chances for wins against both Croatia and Morocco. Canada needs to keep their heads up and do what they did today in their next two games. Belgium is now likely going to make it out of the group easily.
Extra note:
Turns out Harry Kane (England’s leading scorer) was injured in their game against Iran. He apparently had to get the injury (his right ankle) scanned today to check to see if their was real damage. It is questionable if he will play in the next game against USA. If he didn’t play against the USA that would be good, but don’t take too much joy from it. England is loaded, so even if Kane doesn’t play they will still have plenty of other options.
Tomorrow’s Games:
5:00 am – Swiss v Cameroon
8:00 am – Uruguay v South Korea
11:00 am – Portugal (Cristian “not the GOAT” Ronaldo just “mutually” parted from Manchester United. Embarrassing.) v Ghana
2:00 pm – Brazil v Serbia
11/22/22 – Matchday 3
Now the tournament is in full gear. This is the first day that we have four games.
Messi and friends (Argentina) 1 – Saudi Arabia 2
Since we are all in the trust tree, I’ll confess that I did not wake up at 5 am and watch this game. I thought, like everyone else in the world, “I don’t need to watch this because of course Messi and Argentina are going to beat lowly Saudi Arabia.” Turns out, we (me and all the other experts) were wrong. After watching the 5 minute highlights, it seems like Argentina thought the same thing that the experts thought, especially after scoring in the first 15 minutes (Messi PK). Will Saudi Arabia take this win and get out of Group C? Unlikely, but crazier things have happened. (But really, I would not bet on the Green Falcons to win again. (Side note: Did you know at age ten every male in Saudi Arabia is given a Falcon as part of their national falconry program?*)) I think Argentina can still easily get out of the Group, but now they will have to beat both Poland and Mexico.
Denmark 0 v Tunisia 0
In a scintillating goalless (but not heartless) tie the Eagles of Carthage furiously battled the Danish Dynamites. The Tunisians came out with tremendous effort and seemed to be the more dominant team throughout the game. However, the Danish in their trademark Scandinavian calmness said (in their funny accents) “Not today my friends.” They held firm and had a few chances themselves. But, if they are the black horse of the tournament that literally everyone is calling them (so are they really a black horse at that point?), then they will need to get their offence humming at a different level. If France are as good as people say, Denmark likely will now be squared off with Tunisia for the second team to get through Group D. Their next game against France could be the decider. In other news, a big win of this game was that Denmark’s Christian Eriksen played [AYOR** google Eriksen heart attack if you want to know why this is big]. Also FYI, I did watch this game just to be clear.
Mexico 0 v Poland 0
The Mexican goalkeeper—Memo Ochoa—is playing in his 15th World Cup, but looking as lively as a June Bug. Unlike Ochoa, the rest of Mexico is even more boring then the USA (this is objective reporting). For most of the first half, the short Mexicans thought “Si se puede!” with long balls over the 6 ft Poles. The Poles however did not seem interested in moving and did not really bother Mexico. Then in the second half, out of nowhere, VAR (video assistant referee) struck again when it gave Poland’s (and of the world’s) leading goal scorers, Robert Lewandowski, a less than clear PK. This is when Señor Ochoa used his grandfather-like wisdom from the billion games he has played (because he is OLD!) decided he would be the hero yet again. He blocked the PK. Both teams came out of their comas for a few minutes, but then we all feel back asleep to a scoreless tie. With the shocking Argentina loss (yep, not giving this as a Saudi win), Mexico and Poland still both have high hopes to get out of Group C.
26 in – Mexico trying to probe but (for the most part) Poland is sound defensively. Poland hasn’t really bothered Mexico
40 – still pretty boring. Some flukey excitement produced Poland’s back line but otherwise it is long balls by Mexico to short Mexicans against tall poles.
54 – VAR strikes again penalty for Lewandowski but Ochoa (is this his 15th WC?) saves it (ball don’t lie)
63 – things getting spicy (30 yard shot with deflection that was almost great)
74 – calmed down again
85 – bored
Australia 1 v France 4
[Australian accent] “Holy shit mate, is Australia going to win this bloody thing?!” This phrase was uttered by every Ausi for about ten minutes after they scored first—in the ninth minute—against defending champs France. Then, France realized it was France and said: [French accent] “Huhu! We are no stinkin Argentines! Wi wi mousier we shall now score and laugh in your face!” France dominated, Australia looked almost like garbanzo but showed some fight. They almost tied the game at the end of the half, but they didn’t and then France took a smoke break, came back, and did very stylish things. If France wins their next game against Denmark, then they are through in Group D. This could be beneficial to Tunisia who could end up playing a resting France while Denmark gets the full brunt. Australia doesn’t seem that good so don’t really worry about them.
8 – holy shit Australia Scored
21 – Australia almost scored again off a France bad give away
26 – im thinking France are back – easy goal off recycled corner
31 – ya, they back – 2-1 (also Australia looks like garbanzo beans)
45+1 – Australia almost ties it up
67 – Mbappe scores (3-1)
*I made this up, but admit it, it sounded like it could be true.
** At Your Own Risk (AYOR)***
*** I just made AYOR up.
Tomorrow’s Games:
5:00 am – Morocco v. Croatia
8:00 am – Germany v. Japan
11:00 am – Spain v Costa Rica
2:00 pm – Belgium v Canada
11/21/22 – Matchday 2
After much consternation and debate the World Cup in Qatar started yesterday. So, naturally, as the resident fútbol (soccer) aficionado and expert (yep, I am calling myself that) I decide—after Teddy suggested I should—to give a daily briefer of what happened at the World Cup today. I promise nothing in these briefers, not even to get them out daily. And, though you may read some hot takes, know that they are not ever researched. I will, however, get you the scores to every game.
Qatar 0 – Ecuador 2
In this enthusiastically mediocre game, La Tri soundly won this game against a woeful Qatari side (The Maroons). Although Qatar has been training for this game for almost 10 years, it seemed as though they had little to give. On the other hand, La Tri continued their remarkable shoutout streak (seven in a row) and next face the Netherlands in a game that could decide the winner of Group A. One note, Ecuador’s goal scorer Enner Valencia was subbed towards the end of the game after suffering some sort of leg injury. If he is not available for the next game that will be a big blow to La Tri.
Senegal 0 – Netherlands 2
Senegal put in the effort and looked good for 84 minutes (out of 90 for those that don’t know fútbol). Senegal is missing their star player Sadio Mané to injury. The Netherlands have a lot of hype around them, but this first game did not match that hype. The second goal came once Senegal was pushing for an equalizer, so don’t think too much about it. However, for Group A the goal could prove important as the second team to come out of Group A will likely either be Senegal or Ecuador.
England 6 – Iran 2
England is good, Iran isn’t. The spin: everyone knows that a soccer team has a set number of goals they can score during a tournament. Sooooo, England may have scored too many in this first game (on the flipside England’s allotment of goals may be very high this tournament). Group B likely is there’s for the taking.
USA 1 – Wales 1
PPPOOOOOOPPPPPPYYYYY. The Qatari ref sucked [insert Qatari conspiracy theories here], for more than a half USA sucked, and everything is poopy. After the first 35 minutes I was ready to crown USA World Cup Champions, then we scored. After we scored it seemed like we forgot to how to play soccer. We got through the first half with the lead, but it wasn’t convincing. You would think that at half Greg the Egg Berhalter would set us up for a promising second half, but instead he seemed to fall prey to the USA’s classic enemy—American Exceptionalism. We came out and nothing had changed. Wales on the other hand did what Wales does and put to the olf Kieffer Moore (6’5’’ and built like a brick shithouse) up top with Gareth Bale. Essentially, they decided they were going to bully America into a goal, and in the end it worked. Wales got a PK (penalty kick) and Bale smashed it in. USA has everything to play for in Group B. Our next game this Friday against England could be what determines it all.
Tomorrow’s games:
5:00 am – Argentina (Messi) vs Saudi Arabia
8:00 am – Denmark v Tunisia
11:00 am – Mexico v Poland
2:00 pm – France v Australia
The Un-Informed Expert's World's Cup Newsletter 
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