Match Day – Semifinals 2
Australia 1 v England 3
Sam Kerr is a BOSS. I love the way she plays, I love her energy, and she out-of-this-world scoring ability. But, her extraordinary ability was the downfall of the team. Australia played well for much of the game (beginning of each half) but they became too dependent on Kerr. Also, they seemed to get tired, which makes sense because they play a fast paced counterattacking style which will run the legs off anyone who does that game after game (see Morocco in the mens cup). Kerr is a great player, who like Messi, can be the depended-on player for an entire nation, but this time England was too much. First, England are bullies. They kicked the shit out of Kerr and anyone else that dared to run at them. Second, England are a great team. See, the issue with Australia is that to be winning counterattacking team, they have to have a defense that can absorb the pressure, and a midfield that can keep the ball for some parts of the game (see Italy 2006). Australia are good, but against the best teams, their backline and midfield falter. England have excellent players everywhere and they change their tactics every game to find weaknesses in the other team. England absorbed pressure and worked the ball well, and they got stronger and stronger as the game went on. This time the team that deserved to win, won. But Kerr, she is the best player in the world and she almost got it done for Australia. She had one of the best goals ive seen in years and then had 2-3 more chances that could have/should have done in. Australia still has everything to play for in their third place game, and I hope they come out and win it. England and Spain are going to be an amazing finals to watch.
Match Day – Semifinals 1
Spain 2 v Sweden 1
VAMOS ESPAÑA!!!! What a game that was. Each side wanted it, each side fought for it, and everything was left on the field. These are the games that make this game the beauty and wonder that it is. The first half was 0-0 but Spain possessed the ball throughout much of it. They had some good chances, but Sweden played very well and kept them in front and without many great chances. By the end of the half, around minute 35, Sweden woke up and Spain looked tired. Almost like a repeat of Japan, Sweden almost got a goal towards the end of the half. But they didn’t. The second half was a true back and forth. Sweden had chances, Spain had chances, either side could have taken the lead and either side could have won. But then, with 10 minutes left, the gates opened up and the game went crazy. Spain scored in minute 81, then 7 minutes later Sweden scored, finally Spain got the winner a minute later. The last 10 minutes (there was a lot of stoppage time) was just a battle of wills. Spain wanted it more and they got it. Spain have been great throughout the tournament, and after the chaos that the team experienced for the last year it is amazing that they are now in this position (they do not have a few of the players that would be starters on their team). With Sweden out, we are sure to have a new winner, which is always a good thing. Also, USA would have been absolutely pooped on by Spain, but im glad they didn’t play, because then Vlad would have for sure stayed as head coach because he would have made it to the semi-final. Honestly, the fact he wasn’t fired already is ridiculous, but at least it seems like he will be. With that, VAMOS ESPAÑA!!!!
Tomorrow morning
England v Australia
If you are not routing for Australia, you have no heart, soul, or sense of moment. My God have mercy on you.
Match Day – Quarterfinals
Spain 2 v Netherlands 1
Other than the goal and about 15 minutes in the second half, Spain absolutely dominated this game. The Netherlands did not deserve to be on the same field as them. The Dutch goal came against the run of play, but it came. To their credit they were stout (enough) to hold off Spain in to overtime. Spain should have scored 4-6 goals. In the first 30 minutes of the game they hit the post 4 times. Spain has to be seen as a favorite for the rest of this tournament, and with Japan out, they are undoubtedly the most technical and skilled team in the tournament. With Netherlands out, our group (USA) now looks like the biggest dud in the tournament. I hope they kick the shit out of Sweden in the semi.
Japan 1 v Sweden 2
Have I mentioned that soccer is not so much a game of “who deserves to win,” but rather a game of “who won.” Japan absolutely deserved to win this game. They hit the post 3 times in the last 15 minutes. They barely missed a pk. They played with skill and creativity throughout the game. But in the end, Sweden put the ball in the net more times than Japan did. The USA would have had no chance against Japan. Sweden came out with heart and no fear, and that was the key. They knew Japan had enormous skill, but they decided to test and push them by keeping high pressure throughout the first half. It was expert tactics for a veteran team. The USA would have come out with the same shape, no change in play, and we would have been absolutely embarrassed by Japan. I wish we could have played them so that instead of a barely loss, we would have been smoked and outclassed. There would be no chance Vlaty could escape the execution with such a game. Anyway, Sweden did what they needed to do, but they were extremely lucky in the 86th min (a ball hit the post, it hit the Swedish goalies head, then hit the post again, and rolled all the way across the face of the goal). Sometimes luck is better than skill. Japan should have gone through
France 0 v Australia 0 (6-7 in pks)
This was a heavy weight match. Big shots after big shots and then counters. The End was an all time shootout. In the first 30 minutes of the game, it looked like the game many (Myself) predicted. France controlled possession of the and the Matildas were happy to try and counter with direct balls. But then something interesting happened. It seemed like all of a sudden, after a stint of keeping the ball en le blu’s half, the Aussies realized they could battle for control of the game. The next 60 minutes was an exhilarating match. The end of the first half saw the Aussies sieging the French goal with attack after attack. They were unlucky to not get a goal. The second half was an Ali v Frazier. Both had the power to attack, both had the intelligence to defend, and both wanted to win. Australia had the better chances in the half, but not by much. And after 90 minutes, we needed 30 more. Extra time was all France. They domineered the ball, they had the chances, and it felt like Australia was hanging on. But Australia hung on. We went into Pks. This was one of the most epic pk shootouts I have ever seen. 20 shots total to find a winner. France went first…and they missed it! Australia made theres, and you felt like it was done. But afrer France made there second shot, Australia missed theres! (sidenote le blu subbed there goalie out specifically for the pk shotouts. I really hate this move and love when the team that does this losses. I think it is incredibliy dumb to sub people in for pks (shoutout Vlaty and the USA). When you do this you are bring in people who have had no flow for the game and no chance to develop there touch of the ball) But, that was just the beginning of the drama. We got to the 5th shot of the pks (pks begin as a best of 5 shots) and both sides blocked the others. The craziest thing was that after Australia blocked France, the Australian keeper took the 5th shot and missed it by hitting the post. (there is much debate about goalies taking pks. One side says they should because they know exactly where/how to shoot them to deceive the other goalie, the other side says they should focus only on blocking shots especially because if they miss a shot that could effect there confidence in blocking another shot – I am in the later camp) So we went to sudden death shootouts with a goalie who had just missed a shot to win the game. Each of the 6th shots the goalies touched, but neither could block. The Australian 8th shot was almost the end, it hit the post but went in. Then we got to shot 9. France shot, and Australia blocked, but it had to be redone because Australia’s keeper came off her line early (it actually happened but before VAR it was rare that this was ever called). But then, when the shot got redone, AUSTRALIA BLOCKED IT AGAIN!!!! It was absolutely unbelievable. Blocking a shot was hard enough, but doing it twice in a pk shoot out, that is stuff of legends. However, all seem for not when France blocked the very next shot. On to shot number 10. After the chaos of shot 9, it felt like it was certain that shot 10 would go in, and but for the post it would have. And with that, Australia made theres and went through to the semis. Ausie Ausie Ausie, Oi Oi Oi
England 2 v Colombia 1
This felt like watching two bullies beating each other up. At first, you like watching it because you don’t care if either gets hurt, but then you feel icky. You are just watching another fight. Colombia came out hot (10-15 mins) then England punched back, then by then end of the first half Colombia had again found their rhythm. They scored. But, then it felt like they forgot where they were. They played the final 10 minutes of the half as though they were finishing off the game, not just a half. This caused them to give up the first English goal, because they were flailing wildly until the ball went into their net. The second half was much of the same. I honestly did not find this game very entertaining because neither side was able to, or let the other find a flow. All that said, Colombia is a very young team and has a huge amount of potential. I hope they figure out whether they want to flop or beat others up and stick to one, because they have all the skill in the world. As for England, they advanced. Wooh. They inspured nothing when watching this game. They play as though they are trying not to lose and always seem to just somehow get a goal. It is never clear they deserve the goal. I hope they lose next round. (also my dad (Dr. Charles Kenney) pointed out that my dislike of England is genetic. I am of Scottish decent, my wife is as well, and we just were in Scotland. I and this newsletter is a modern day Brave Heart.)
First 30 mins France dominate/France possession and Australia counter
Then Australia begins to take the ball and has great chances
Second half much of the same – heavey weight match
Overtime – all France
Pks – France missed first one, Australia misses the second one (France goalie subbed in for pks-she shows no emotion), France misses number 5!, Australia misses number 5! (GK took it!!!), both goalies touched the ball on pk 6 but both let it go, Australia shot 8 (goal 6) off the post!, Australia blocks 9 but redo because off the line-BLOCKS IT AGAIN!!!, France blocks 9!!!, France hits post on 10!, Australia wins on 10th (7-6)
Match Day – Day 4 of Round of 16 (last day of Round of 16)
Colombia 1 v. Jamaica 0
To my brother-in-law, that stinks!!!! To my Colombian brethren, I now don’t like your team. SOOOO much flopping. Flop here, flop there, flop everywhere. (In Spanish – Flopo aquí, flopo allí, flopo en todos lados) In the first half, I think there was a Colombian writhing around in agon—because they likely needed an amputation—every 5 minutes. The Jamaicans just kept looking at them and wondering why they had to play these egg-shelled dimwits (shout out to all the law schoolers). That said, the game itself was pretty even. Jamaica was slightly more dominant, but Colombia had the better chances. The goal itself was a great long ball, touch, and score, but it also was rather poor defending from the Jamaican left-back. I would not hold my breath for Colombia in the next round, but you never know.
France 4 v. Morocco 0
I write this in the 30th minute of the game. It is 3-0. France won. Unlike the Atlas Lions (the men’s Moroccan team) the Atlas Lionesses did not have the skill required. The Moroccans keep making history at the world cup and because of the investment made by the nation, they are only likely to keep getting better. As for France, they are good. How good? Not really sure. This game does not really give too much of an insight. However, they go into the quarterfinals as a clear favorite. On to the quarterfinals. UPDATE: France scored one more in the second half
Quarterfinals
Spain v Netherlands – August 10 @ 9 pm
I would be shocked if Spain did not win this. Netherlands are likely going to try and bully the Spanish, but the Spanish have more than enough skill and grit to weather the storm.
Japan v Sweden – August 11 @ 3:30 am
This presents one of the most interesting matchups. Japan is arguably the most technically gifted side in this world cup (Spain is the other), but they are also (likely – I am not researching this) the smallest side. Sweden has plenty of skill, but more importantly they are tall. If Japan can get one early and/or keep possession, they should be able to win this game, but Sweden will not make it easy. Also, Sweden is a very experienced team and (unlike our fart-brained coach) they will be tactically ready for Japan.
Australia v France – August 12 @ 3 am
This game is going to be all about heart…who wants it more? France, on paper, are the better team, but Australia is the co-host. Australia play on the counter, and have been getting better and better as the tournament has gone on. It will be interesting to see 1) will Sam Kerr start? And 2) if she starts, will she substantially improve the team? If yes to both, the game starts of much more evenly. France, they are stylish and possess the ball. These two styles compliment each other, and both will be able to play the way they want to. If there is a game to wake up for, it is this one. So, do it.
England v Colombia – August 12 @ 6:30 am
My two least favorite teams. You already heard about Colombi-i-hurt-my-everythings. As for England, I don’t know why I don’t like them except for the fact that I have decided that I don’t like them as I write this. The game should be interesting. England and Colombia like to control the ball and make them other team get out of shape. However, England have more size, speed, and talent throughout the pitch. Also, they will plow through you. Colombia is good, and there forwards are some of the best in the tournament. I think if they win it will be against the run of play, but that hasn’t stopped them yet.
*Sidenote – I wish the USA was still in the tournament. I feel sad that they aren’t. I still have the fire of a thousands suns burning inside me with hate for our “coach” (more like a dumb idiot…burn). We could beat everyone of the teams still left. It is very rainy today in Portland and it feels like the proper atmosphere for my feelings. Feebly I say usa, usa, usa.
Match Day – Day 3 of Round of 16
England 0 v Nigeria 0 (4-2 in pks)
The Super Falcons Dived, Ducked, Dipped, Dodged, and Dived but they could not get the ball in the net. The Lionnesses got lucky. Nigeria dominated the game. They had multiple great chances and hit the post at least twice. Add to that, England’s star midfielder, Lauren James, got a red card in the 87 minute. The one critique I have for Nigeria (other than missing their first two pks) is that they seemed to not have pressed there advantage as much as they could after England’s red card. Nigeria deserved to win, but so did the USA. In the end, they were not ready for pks/the moment became too much for them. For England, they should get credit for bunkering down once the red card happened, and throughout the game they had some chances. But, they were less than impressive. That said, they won and now they moved on.
Australia 2 v Denmark 0
s looked very good tonight. They are a counter attacking team and that is what they did. And, they did it without Sam Kerr (they scored both goals before she was subbed on in the 80th minute). I am love the way they play. There center mids attack 50/50 balls with a gusto I haven’t seen since Italy in 2006. They absorb pressure, they spring forward, and they sprint back. They also have an entire country behind them. They have all the momentum they need and hopefully Sam Kerr can do what she does best…score. The Danes also looked really good, but they had a major problem—they didn’t know how to score. More specifically, they had no one that could actually put in a great shot. They possessed well, they had beautiful touches in the build up play, but then they got in front of goal and laid a big ol turd ferguson. They should probably figure that out for next world cup.
Match Day who cares
USA 0 – Sweden 0 (4-5 in pks)
Hate, hate, hate . . . . loathe entirely. What a shit show. The USA just had its worst World Cup to date. We have a coach who does not understand that we can sub players and we lost in pks on a goal that was literally a millimeter across the line. So, lets start there. Did we actually lose? Well on paper yes, but I have questions. We lost on a goal decided by Goal Line Technology (GLT). GLT is not infallible. In fact, it has a margin of error of .5 cm. TELL ME THAT THIS IS MORE THAN 0.5 CM!!!!!!
This should not have been called a goal, and I would not be surprised if FIFA gives an apology in the next days. But, now there is nothing that can be done about that.
Next, Vlatko Andonovski. What a fucking turd. I have never seen a coach look so freaking incompetent since my third year in club soccer when my coach was fired from an under 13 boys team. He inspires nothing. He changes nothing. He subs no one. He SUCKSSSSS!!!! I want him gone, yesterday. He held back this team this cup and I put all the shit right on his lap. If he stays as the U.S. coach, I will start a strongly worded petition. Fuck him.
Finally, the women. They actually played really really well today. The best they have played the entire tournament. We have sooooo much talent. It will hurt them even more that they played so well, that they have so much talent, and that they lost in the way they did. That said, we need to move on. The legends like Rapinoe and O’hara. There time is done. For that matter, Ertz and Morgan also likely saw there last WC games. We (the country) owe these women a debt of gratitude that could never be met. They brought us two world cups and have changed them women’s game forever. But, today, they (Rapinoe and O’hara not Ertz or Morgan because the last two had brilliant games) were not the answer. That’s it for now. Ill have more to say later.
Norway 1-3 Japan
please read this to the tune of Bye Bye Bye by NSYNC
I know that I can’t take no more, it ain’t no lie. I got to see Norway out that door, Norway, BYE BYE BYE. Norway, your own player scored a goal on you, Risa Shimizu scored a goal and made it two. You made it this far now back home you’ll fly, Norway, BYE BYE BYE. Norway, you didn’t make it tough. Hinata Miyazawa scored her fifth goal (of the tournament) because she’d had enough. Japan was cruising, did you even try, Norway, BYE BYE BYE.
Thank you all for indulging my constant nineties music references every time I wrote about Norway. I promise there will be no more recaps written exclusively in nineties pop song titles going forward. Also, Japan looks so good and Miyazawa could win the golden boot.
Spain 5 – Switzerland 1
Spain is really good. Swiss maybe are not. Who cares.
Netherlands 2 – South Africa 0
Whatever.
World Cup Day 15 (8/3)
WHAT A GREAT LAST DAY OF THE GROUP STAGE! After the last two recaps I’ll give a list of matchups for the Round of Sixteen.
Group H: Morocco 1-0 Colombia
THE LIONESSES OF THE ATLAS ARE ADVANCING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT A TIME TO BE ALIVE!!!!! At the end of the first half, a foul in the box created a scoring opportunity for Morocco through a penalty kick. Colombia GK Catalina Perez dived to her left, saving the kick, but Anissa Lahmari crashed the net to follow the ricocheted save and put the ball in the back of the net. Colombia did all it could in the second half to get the equalizer, it couldn’t find one. Although they lost the game, they still advance first out of the group. As for Morocco, when that final whistle blew, they got the news that they had advanced, and unlikely scenario that had occurred due to their win and Germany’s tie (see below). This is AWESOME for Morocco to have this level of success in their first ever World Cup. The debutantes in this World Cup have showed up and showed out, with Morocco being the latest success story. THE PARITY! GROWING THE GAME! WE LOVE IT! However, with Morocco’s success comes Germany’s failure
Group H: South Korea 1-1 Germany
DOWN GOES GERMANY, EFFECTIVELY ELIMINATED BY A TEAM THEY THUMPED 6-0!!!!! Cho-So Hyun struck in the 6th minute of the game. Alexandra Popp equalized in the 42nd. A tie should’ve been no big deal for Germany, they would’ve advanced with a tie as long as Morocco lost or tied Colombia. BUT MOROCCO HAD WON. THE TIE WASN’T ENOUGH! GERMANY HAD BEEN ELIMINATED. Can you imagine finishing a game, thinking you had probably advanced and then realizing you hadn’t????? That must SUCK. Germany joins Brazil and Canada in the list of favorites who got eliminated in the group stage. CRAZY.
OKAY GREAT GROUP STAGE. THAT WAS FUN. We have sixteen teams left. Next, we have the knockout round. Matchups below.
Switzerland v. Spain
Japan v. Norway
Netherlands v. South Africa
Sweden v. USA
England v. Nigeria
Australia v. Denmark
Colombia v. Jamaica
France v. Morocco
World Cup Day 14 (8/2)
Group G: Argentina 0-2 Sweden
Sweden took care of business this morning to advance first out of the group. They will play the US. This game was tied at nil-nil for a long time before Rebecka Blomqvist scored her second goal of the tournament at the 66th minute. Elin Rubensson scored the dagger off a penalty in the 90th minute. Argentina put up a valiant effort this tournament, but have sadly been eliminated with South Africa’s win this morning.
Group G: South Africa 3-2 Italy
It was a battle for second place this morning. Arianna Caruso put the Azure on her back this morning. She struck first at the 11th minute to give the Italians a 1-0 lead. At the 32nd minute, Benedetta Orsi managed to put one in the back of the net, but sadly, it was in the wrong net to make it a 1-1 tie going into the half. The second half was another back and forth, with Hildah Magaia scoring in the 67th minute for her second goal of the tournament. Caruso wasn’t done yet though, scoring in the 74th minute to tie it up. But in a valiant last minute effort in the 92nd minute, Thembi Kgatlana smashed one home to win the game and send South Africa to the round of sixteen. Despite their best efforts, the Italians are headed home.
Group F: Panama 3-6 France
Wow that was fun! 9 total goals scored! Two lead changes! A couple last effort goals to keep stuff interesting! Marta Cox got on the board early, scoring in the second minute to give Panama an unexpected 1-0 lead. About twenty minutes later, France tied it up with a strike from Maëlle Lakrar. Then, it was Kadidiatou Diani time. Diani had a hat trick today with goals at the 28th and 37th minutes and a penalty in the 52nd. Panama didn’t just roll over though, with Yomira Pinzón scoring a penalty in the 64th minute and Lineth Cedeño scoring in the 87th. Les Bleus carried the day though with Léa le Garrec and Vicki Bècho adding a goal each, for SIX total goals. France advances first of the group, while Panama heads home.
Group F: Jamaica 0-0 Brazil
Sorry everyone, this one is last because it might go a little long. This was a really big tie. With this tie, Jamaica advanced to the round of sixteen. This team got stuck in and played some incredible defense in this game. They’ve demonstrated that they are a team that can compete with the top talent and this is an amazing tournament and an amazing result, particularly given what this program has gone through to just exist (see my team preview for Jamaica). I couldn’t be happier for my Reggae Girlz.
That being said, because Jamaica advanced, Brazil was eliminated, which means today was the last time we all got to see Marta play in a World Cup. She retires as the leading goal scorer in the Women’s World Cup history, a six-time FIFA World Player of the Year, and is synonymous with Brazilian soccer. She is one of the greatest, if not the greatest women’s footballer of all time.
World Cup Day 13 and 12 (8/1)
Group E: US 0-0 Portugal
OKAY THE PANIC BUTTON IS OUT AND I HAVE HIT IT. I AM OFFICIALLY FULLY PANICKING. A TIE????? WE HAVE PLAYED PORTUGAL BEFORE. WE HAVE BEAT PORTUGAL. AND PORTUGAL ALMOST WON. THEY HIT THE POST. IT WAS ALMOST A GOAL. WE ALMOST DIDN’T ADVANCE AT ALL. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON. We advanced SECOND out of group WHICH IS A PROBLEM. We will almost certainly play Sweden next and they have looked GOOD. I think we will probably lose. We may even get crushed. ALSO JUST TO MAKE MATTERS WORSE WE GET TO SEE THE STUPIDEST RULE IN ALL OF SOCCER IN PLAY. Rose Lavelle has accumulated too many yellow cards during the group stage AND CAN’T PLAY IN THE NEXT GAME. If anyone needs me I’ll be drowning my sorrows in mac n’ cheese and informing everyone I know I don’t really care about soccer. Congrats to Portugal on their first World Cup!
Group E: Vietnam 0-7 Netherlands
Knock knock. Who’s there? Oranje. Oranje who? Oranje you sad the Dutch took care of business and are advancing first out of the group leaving the US to probably get eliminate by Sweden? The Girls in Orange took care of business today to advance first. They had seven goals by five different scorers. Lieke Martens (8th min), Katja Snoeijs (11th min), and Danielle van de Donk (45th min) each had one. Esmee Brugts (18th, 57th mins) and Jill Roord (23rd, 83rd mins) each had two. The Oranje are rolling. Congrats to Vietnam on their first World Cup!
Group D: China 1-6 England
Now THIS looked more like the England team has won Euros last summer. Lauren James is on an absolute tear, adding two more goals today after scoring in the last game. Alessia Ruso, Lauren Hemp, Chloe Kelly, and Rachel Daly each added one. Evidently, starting Daly has been helping. Want Shuang scored a penalty for China in the 57th minute to make it 3-1, but then England ran away with it by scoring another three goals. The Lionesses advance first out of the group. The Steel Roses, however, have been eliminated.
Group D: Haiti 0-2 Denmark
PERNILLE HARDER GOT A GOAL IN THE WORLD CUP AND THAT IS ALL THAT MATTERS ABOUT THIS GAME. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!! Sanne Troelsgaard scored a second goal. With that, Denmark advances in the second spot from Group D. Haiti, sadly, have been eliminated.
World Cup Day 12 (7/31)
Group C: Japan 4-0 Spain
Japan just looks better and better with every game. This was a definitive win over a strong opponent. Hinata Miyazawa added two more goals at the 12th and 40th minutes. She has four total now. Riko Ueki scored one in the 29th minute and Mina Tanaka added the fourth in the 82nd minute. Japan will advance first out of the group and Spain will advance second. I hope Japan smokes Norway when they play them in the round of 16. I want a full on pummeling so we can tell Norway “Bye Bye Bye.” Spain will take on Switzerland.
Group C: Costa Rica 1-3 Zambia
CONGRATS TO ZAMBIA ON THEIR FIRST WORLD CUP WIN! Admittedly, it didn’t save them from elimination, but we did get to see that goal scoring that was promised. Lushomo Mweemba (3rd minute), Barbra Banda (31st minute), and Racheal Kundananji (93rd minute) each scored one. Melissa Herrera (47th minute) scored one for Costa Rica. Both of these teams were eliminated.
Group B: Canada 0-4 Australia
The Matildas got it done against the reigning gold medalists without their best player. And when I say they got it done THEY GOT IT DONE. Australia will advance first out of the group and they did it without Sam Ker. Australia advancing means this tournament does not go down in history as the first tournament where the host nation doesn’t advance out of group (which I am torn about because I always support chaos when it doesn’t related to the USWNT). Hayley Raso scored two, Mary Fowler scored her first World Cup goal, and Steph Catley made it four off a penalty in the 94th minute. Plus, Canada losing means my chaos prediction for Group B almost came true (first two were right last two were wrong). I am DEVASTATED that Canadian captain Christine Sinclair did not get a goal to become the first player to score in six World Cups. Maybe she’s got a 7th in her?
Group B: Ireland 0-0 Nigeria
THE SUUUUUUUUUUUUPER DUUUUUUUUUUUUUPER FALCONS TOLD US THEY WOULD ADVANCE AND GOD DAMMIT THEY DID IT. Nigeria is round of 16 bound advancing in the second seed after the tie today and Canada’s loss. INCREDIBLE. They will play the winner of Group D (most likely England).
The Un-Informed Expert’s World’s Cup Daily Newsletter
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So we are now going into the third round of group play games.
A note. The final games of group play are played at the same time. This is because soccer players are cheaters. More specifically, in the 1994 World Cup, West Germany and Austria played their final group play game and colluded to make sure they both got through. They were able to do this because the other two teams in their group—Algeria and Chile—had already played, so West Germany and Austria knew what the score needed to be in their game for both to get through. There was a total of 2 shots on goal in the game, West Germany won 1-0, and both teams advanced. After that game, FIFA (always worried about cheating or even the appearance of impropriety) made sure that the final game of each group play is played at the same time to avoid what happened in 1994. For more info: https://www.miamiherald.com/sports/fifa-world-cup/article269320907.html.
Another note: Tie breakers for the world cup (so if two teams end up with the same amount of points after the last group play game) are (1) goal difference (how many goals scored minus how many goals scored against you) and then (2) how many goals scored. This could come into play in multiple groups over the next few days.
Match Day 10 & 11
Group H: South Korea 0-1 Morocco
Congratulations to the Atlas Lionesses on their FIRST EVER WORLD CUP WIN!!!!! What a great tournament for parity! The game is growing! Ibtissam Jraïdi scored Morocco’s first ever World Cup goal in the sixth minute of the game. This was a huge upset as South Korea are ranked fifty-five places ahead of the Atlas Lionesses and the Lionesses struggled against Germany. South Korea will most likely be eliminated now, and play Germany next, who need points to guarantee they advance out of the group. Morocco now have a big game against Colombia, where they could advance if they win or draw and Germany lose.
Group A: Norway 6-0 Philippines
RETURN OF THE NORWAY! After Walking on Broken Glass with a loss and a tie, Norway was able to Hold On with a HUGE win to advance to the knockout round. Although they were tied with New Zealand at three points, goal differential was able to Save Tonight for Norway. Everybody (Backstreet’s (Norway?) Back) had a goal today for Norway, with Caroline Graham Hansen, Alicia Barker, and Guro Retein each scoring one and Sophie Román Haug was Livin’ la Vida Loca by scoring a HAT TRICK. We sadly say goodbye to the Philippines, who were eliminated, but we will see Norway for Another Night. Although Norway will advance, That Don’t Impress Me Much, and I think they lose in their next game.
Group A: New Zealand 0-0 Switzerland
Goodbye Football Ferns. You were very fun for the first day of the tournament with that upset over Norway, but sadly, you didn’t score enough goals, so you don’t get to advance. Switzerland will advance first out this group, a great result for their second ever World Cup.
Group H: Germany 1-2 Colombia
Sí, Sí, Colombia! Las Chicas Superpoderosas had a huge win over Germany to just about guarantee advancing to the knockout round with six points going into the final game. Linda Caicedo scored what could be the goal of the tournament (https://twitter.com/FOXSoccer/status/1685603188316004352?s=20&campaign=7360299&source=fulltime_newsletter ) for her second goal of the tournament to give Colombia a 1-0 lead in the 52nd minute. Germany POPPED a penalty into the next at the 89th minute from who else but the captain Alexandra Popp for her third goal of the tournament. Just as a tie looked imminent, Manuela Vanegas scored a stoppage time header to seal the deal and get a MASSIVE win for Colombia. Colombia will almost certainly advance first and Germany sit in second, still poised to advance.
World Cup Day 10 (7/29)
Group G: Sweden 5-0 Italy
This was an absolute rout. There’s no other way to put it. Italy actually possessed the ball more than Sweden did (53% to 43%), but Sweden just kept putting the ball in the back of the net. Amanda Ilestedt put away two, joined by Fridolina Rolfo, Stina Blackstenius, and Rebecka Blomqvist, who each had one goal. Ilestedt has now scored three goals in the tournament and Rolfo has two. With this win, Sweden will advance to the knockout round. The race for second place is tough, with Italy in second currently, but anyone could advance with a win.
Group F: France 2-1 Brazil
Les Bleus are not going down without a fight. Coming off a demoralizing tie to Jamaica, France came back for a big win against a Brazilian team that looked really good after their game. Eugenie Le Sommer scored France’s first goal of the tournament in the 17th minute. Debinha responded for Brazil in the 58th minute, making it a 1-1 game. Just as we started to resign ourselves to a tie, Bleus captain Wendie Renard (who plays defense but always presents a scoring threat) stepped up in the 83rd minute with a huge header for the game winner for France, and a three points that les Bleus desperately needed. However, because we can’t have nice things Renard has a calf injury and will most likely miss the rest of a group stage. A huge bummer for France and everyone who likes header goals. France now sit in first going into the last game of the group stage. Brazil sits in third, poised to NOT ADVANCE WHICH WOULD BE CRAZY. Who sits in second, you ask? Well, let’s talk about the Reggae Girlz…
Group F: Jamaica 1-0 Panama
My dark horse pick Reggae Girlz made me hella proud with this big W to put them in second place, with a chance to advance out of the group. Defender Allyson Swaby scored Jamaica’s first goal of the tournament, putting a sharp header off a low corner kick in the 56th minute. This win came without captain “Bunny” Shaw, who was suspended for this game following a red card in Jamaica’s draw against France. Panama was eliminated with this second loss. Jamaica gets ready for a huge clash with Brazil, which will probably determine who will advance and who will go home. I am emotionally torn on this because the Reggae Girlz are my dark horse and I LOVE this team. But it would really suck to see Marta go home in the group stage in her last World Cup.
Match Day 8 & 9
Little Update from AAK: So I have to apologize to everyone, but especially Nora. I did not think about the fact that my time after the Bar was going to coincide with radio silence and no internet. Nora has been continuing to recap every game and I have failed to send them out (shame…shame….shame…shame). That said below are the last two days of recaps you have not received yet. But also, I may again be out of touch for a couple more days. SOOOOOOO, that just means the anticipation will continue to build.
Group D: Denmark 0-1 England
Lauren James struck in the first minute to score the only goal of the tournament and give the Lioness’s a BIG W. While it guarantees that England will advance, it came with a tough loss as Keira Walsh was taken off the stretcher at the 38th minute. That’s a super crappy break for a team that’s already had huge injury problems. Walsh is instrumental and that injury will unquestionably hurt the Lioness side. As for Denmark, they are currently in second place, but they need China to lose or they need to win to guarantee they move on.
Group D: China 1-0 Haiti
This was an emotional rollercoaster for the Steel Roses!!!! China dominated until the 29th minute when Zhang Rui was shown a red card and left the game. BUT the Steel Roses STILL managed to pull out the win when Wang Shuang managed to net one off a penalty kick in the 74th minute. The Steel Roses won’t have Zhang Rui available for the last game of the group stage. This group is super close. If Haiti wins, they could possibly advance. If Denmark or China win, and the other loses, they will advance. Stay tuned for the last round of games.
TOMORROW
3:30 AM EST: Sweden-Italy
6:00 AM EST: France-Brazil
8:30 AM EST (WATCHABLE GAME ALERT): Panama-Jamaica
World Cup Day 8
Group B: Australia 2-3 Nigeria
UPSET ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!! The SUPER DUPER Falcons took DOWN the Matildas this morning. Emily van Egmond struck first at the end of the first half, but Uchenna Kanu countered immediately with an equalizer five minutes later. Nigeria made it 3-1 in the second half, with goals from Osinache Ohale and Asisat Oshaola. Australia made a last minute run, with Alanna Kennedy scoring a second goal for the Matildas in stoppage time, but I’m glad I didn’t call it a comeback, because it was not. The SUPER FALCONS now sits at the top of the group with four points, poised to advance to the knockout round. They play Ireland next. As for the Matildas, they need Captain Sam Kerr and her ability to score and a win in the next game, as they sit in third and risk elimination. Like I said in my preview for Australia, they will play with your heart, and it looks like they might break mine. They play a big game against Canada next.
Group G: Argentina 2-2 South Africa
In a game I’m assuming disappointed both teams, South Africa and Argentina tied, 2-2, giving each a point and making it more likely both will be eliminated. South Africa had the lead early in the game, scoring two (Linda Motlhalo 30th min, Thembi Kgatlana 66th minute). Argentina responded late in the game, and managed to tie it up (Sophia Braun 74th min, Romina Núñez 79th min), but were unable to fully complete the comeback.
Tomorrow’s Games
4:30 AM EST: England-Denmark
7 AM EST (WATCHABLE GAME ALERT FOR THE EAST COAST): China-Haiti
Group E: Portugal 2-0 Vietnam
The Portuguese got their FIRST EVER WORLD CUP WIN TODAY. MAZEL!!!!!!! Telma Encarnacão struck early in the 7th minute. Then, because Encarnacão is doing THE MOST (and we LOVE IT Telma!), she turned around an assisted Kika Nazareth’s goal in the 21st minute. Vietnam is now officially eliminated with no points. Portugal sits in third with three points and potentially a chance to advance if they beat the US (who I still love despite the heartbreak they put me through last night no I am not being too dramatic about a tie you’re not being dramatic enough this is the end the the world if they don’t advance first out of the group) in their final game.
Group D: Denmark 0-1 England
Lauren James struck in the first minute to score the only goal of the tournament and give the Lioness’s a BIG W. While it guarantees that England will advance, it came with a tough loss as Keira Walsh was taken off the stretcher at the 38th minute. That’s a super crappy break for a team that’s already had huge injury problems. Walsh is instrumental and that injury will unquestionably hurt the Lioness side. As for Denmark, they are currently in second place, but they need China to lose or they need to win to guarantee they move on.
Group D: China 1-0 Haiti
This was an emotional rollercoaster for the Steel Roses!!!! China dominated until the 29th minute when Zhang Rui was shown a red card and left the game. BUT the Steel Roses STILL managed to pull out the win when Wang Shuang managed to net one off a penalty kick in the 74th minute. The Steel Roses won’t have Zhang Rui available for the last game of the group stage. This group is super close. If Haiti wins, they could possibly advance. If Denmark or China win, and the other loses, they will advance. Stay tuned for the last round of games.
TOMORROW
3:30 AM EST: Sweden-Italy
6:00 AM EST: France-Brazil
8:30 AM EST (WATCHABLE GAME ALERT): Panama-Jamaica
World Cup Day 8
Group B: Australia 2-3 Nigeria
UPSET ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!! The SUPER DUPER Falcons took DOWN the Matildas this morning. Emily van Egmond struck first at the end of the first half, but Uchenna Kanu countered immediately with an equalizer five minutes later. Nigeria made it 3-1 in the second half, with goals from Osinache Ohale and Asisat Oshaola. Australia made a last minute run, with Alanna Kennedy scoring a second goal for the Matildas in stoppage time, but I’m glad I didn’t call it a comeback, because it was not. The SUPER FALCONS now sits at the top of the group with four points, poised to advance to the knockout round. They play Ireland next. As for the Matildas, they need Captain Sam Kerr and her ability to score and a win in the next game, as they sit in third and risk elimination. Like I said in my preview for Australia, they will play with your heart, and it looks like they might break mine. They play a big game against Canada next.
Group G: Argentina 2-2 South Africa
In a game I’m assuming disappointed both teams, South Africa and Argentina tied, 2-2, giving each a point and making it more likely both will be eliminated. South Africa had the lead early in the game, scoring two (Linda Motlhalo 30th min, Thembi Kgatlana 66th minute). Argentina responded late in the game, and managed to tie it up (Sophia Braun 74th min, Romina Núñez 79th min), but were unable to fully complete the comeback.
Tomorrow’s Games
4:30 AM EST: England-Denmark
7 AM EST (WATCHABLE GAME ALERT FOR THE EAST COAST): China-Haiti
Group E: Portugal 2-0 Vietnam
The Portuguese got their FIRST EVER WORLD CUP WIN TODAY. MAZEL!!!!!!! Telma Encarnacão struck early in the 7th minute. Then, because Encarnacão is doing THE MOST (and we LOVE IT Telma!), she turned around an assisted Kika Nazareth’s goal in the 21st minute. Vietnam is now officially eliminated with no points. Portugal sits in third with three points and potentially a chance to advance if they beat the US (who I still love despite the heartbreak they put me through last night no I am not being too dramatic about a tie you’re not being dramatic enough this is the end the the world if they don’t advance first out of the group) in their final game.
Match Day 7? (7/26?)
Group C: Japan 2-0 Costa Rica
Japan has most definitely fixed its offense problem having now scored seven goals in this tournament and conceded zero. They are very much looking like the Japan of old. They took twenty-four shots on goal, twelve were on target. If not for the heroics of Costa Rica goalkeeper Daniela Solera and her ten saves this game would’ve been an absolute blowout. Hikaru Noamato struck first in the 25th minute, closely followed by Aoba Fujino in the 27th, who charged directly at the goal and slipped the ball by Solera on her near post. If Japan has any concerns, it’s that they didn’t score even more goals, but I’m willing to chalk that up to good goalkeeping. The Nadeshiko now has six points and will advance to the knock-out round. Only question is whether they advance first or second, which will be decided when they play Spain. As for Costa Rica, they will be eliminated, as they have no points, but we get to see them one last time against Zambia.
Group C: Spain 5-0 Zambia
Okay so Spain is the best team in the world. Coming off a very very strong win, they had an even stronger win. Five goals, 75% of possession, and twenty-two shots on goal. Jennifer Hermoso had two goals to celebrate her hundredth cap (13th and 70th minutes). Teresa Abelleiro got the scoring going in the 9th minute with what could be the goal of the tournament. After a little tiki-taka, Abelleiro hit a 58 mph ROCKET. Alba Redondo had two of her own in the 69th and 85th minutes. PLUS two-time Ballon d’Or winner Alexia Putellas was back in the starting lineup today for the first time since her injury and assisted on one of Hermoso’s goals. Just when you think this team can’t get any better they LITERALLY add one of the BEST PLAYERS IN THE WORLD into the starting lineup and IMMEDIATELY get production from her. Awesome. With this win, la Roja has six points and will officially move on to the next round. They’ll play Japan to determine who takes first seed and who takes second. Additionally, and sadly, Zambia is now officially eliminated with zero points. I will miss them and if nothing else, they win the Nora Hanson Best Arrivals of Tournamnet Award (https://twitter.com/FOXSoccer/status/1684096878810636288?s=20&campaign=7317203&source=fulltime_newsletter). Hopefully we at least get to see some Barba Banda magic against Costa Rica.
Group B: Canada 2-1 Ireland
Okay so Canada is not getting eliminated. Despite a strong game from the Girls in Green, they are going home. Who else but Irish captain Katie McCabe would score the first World Cup goal ever for the Girls in Green in the 4th minute of the game. Megan Connolly struck next, but unfortunately in the wrong goal, giving the Canadians an equalizer.Adriana Leon managed to put one in the back of the net in the 53rd minute. From there it was a battle to the finish and Kailen Sheridan and Canada’s defense showed up and showed out to get the job done. The Canadians are saved from elimination and have one last match against Australia to see if they can seal the deal to make it to the knockout round. That should be a GREAT game.
Group E: USA 1-1 Netherlands.
This game doesn’t matter or exist as far as I’m concerned and I am devastated. I refuse to acknowledge its existence. WTF was that. Except for Lindsey Horan, who can do no wrong (she scored. Go Captain Lindsey).
Other games
3:30 AM EST: Portugal-Vietnam
6:00 AM EST: Australia-Nigeria
8:00 PM EST (WATCHABLE GAME ALERT): Argentina-South Africa
Okay! We have now officially seen everyone play. You know what that means: time to pick a dark horse. It may be the obvious answer here, but after their performance against France, I have to go with Jamaica. They’re resilient on defense and a threat on offense. Plus, I think they have one of the best nickname in the tournament (the real reason I’m choosing them). Go Reggae Girlz!
Group H: Colombia 2-0 South Korea
Linda Caicedo and las Chicas Superpoderosas brought it today and got off to a great start. Colombia took the lead in the 30th minute after Shim Seo-Yeon was called for a penalty. Captain Catalina Usme sent South Korean goalkeeper Yoon Young-Geul the wrong way and cleanly slotted the ball into the opposite corner. Not to be outdone, eighteen year old Linda Caicedo, in her World Cup debut no less, added one of her own just under ten minutes later in the 39th minute. Caicedo sprinted up from the midfield to curl a shot from the outside of the box, which Young-Geul fumbled into the net. The South Koreans didn’t look outmatched by any means, but they just could get shots on net, only taking five shots. However, it was still a pretty exciting day for at least one member of the South Korean squad. At 16 years and 26 days, Korean-American Casey Phair became the youngest player to take the field in World Cup history when she was subbed on in the 78th minute. Between 18 year old Caicedo and 16 year old Phair, this game made me feel very, very old.
Colombia takes on the Germans next and South Korea will try and rebound against Morocco.
Group A: New Zealand 0-1 Philippines
So I will not be writing an apology letter to New Zealand. I am standing on my take that after the first day of the tournament they would be irrelevant ferns in the corner. Despite possessing the ball more than the Malditas, (69% to 31%) and taking four times the shots (New Zealand took 16 shots and the Philippines took 4), New Zealand could not get a goal. The Malditas had ONE SINGLE SHOT on target and that’s all it took. Sarina Bolden had the honor of scoring the Philippines first ever World Cup goal in the 24th minute with a header that was fumbled into the net by New Zealand goalkeeper Victoria Esson. ALSO, Group A just got SUPER interesting. Switzerland has four points, the Philippines and New Zealand have three apiece AND are tied on goal differential. Norway has just one point and looks like they’re on the brink of elimination. I am SO excited for the last set of games for this group! So much chaos potential! And speaking of Norway…
Group A: Switzerland 0-0 Norway
World Cup Day 5
Yesterday was a day of parity and underdogs making a stand. There was less of that today.
Group G: Italy 1-0 Argentina
What a match. These teams were evenly matched and it took a last minute goal to seal the deal for the Azzure. Argentina almost had the goal of the tournament when Marianna Larroquette’s bicycle kick just went wide of the net. Italy had 53% of possession and Argentina had 47%. However, Italy was more of an offensive threat. Italy had twelve shots on goal with four on target while Argentina had five shots on goal with one on target. Arianna Caruso and Valentina Giacinti both had goals that were called back for being offsides, and the Italians became an absolute threat in the second half. It looked like a goal was inevitable, and yet it just would not come. But finally, in the 87th minute, Cristina Girelli, who had subbed on just four minutes earlier, headed the ball into the goal to finally break the stalemate. Argentina faces South Africa next, which should be a super intense game since it will be win or go home if one of the teams doesn’t get six points. Meanwhile, the Italians are sitting in second place behind Sweden on goal differential, with the next game deciding who goes into the third and final match of the group in first place.
Group H: Germany 6-0 Morocco
Well. This was a slaughter. Germany had six goals, 74% of possession, and took sixteen shots on goal, seven on target. The game started off with a Popp, as Alexandra Popp sent a header home in the 11th minute. She added a second header in the 39th minute to make it 2-0. That’s when the rest of the team joined in. Klara Buhl added another in the 46th. Hanane Ait El Haj and Yasmin Mrabet both scored own goals. Finally, Lea Schuller brought it home in the 90th for a 6-0 win. This was certainly not the game Morocco wanted to start off the tournament with, and the own goals were particularly frustrating, we’ll hope for a better game against South Korea. Germany, however, is probably feeling great, sitting at the top of the table. They’ve got Colombia next.
Group F: Brazil 4-0 Panama
What a GREAT day for Ary Borges, who had a hat trick to start off her World Cup. She scored in the 19th, 39th, and 70th minutes. Bia Zaneratto added one of her own in the 48th minute. Brazil set the tone in the first couple minutes of the game, charging down the field and putting a shot on net. The Brazilian attack just could not and would not be stopped today and a big win felt inevitable, especially once a Seleção got on the board. It was a great start to the tournament for Brazil and they should feel confident heading into the next couple matches, firmly on top of the table. They had 73% of possession today and put thirty-two shots on goal, with ten on target. They held Panama to six shots total, with only two on goal. They’ve got a huge game next against France who are looking for a rebound after a disappointing tie. It’s going to be a clash of the titans and a great game. As for Panama, this was not the start they were looking for and they’ve got Jamaica next, who are coming off the biggest win in program history.
Anyways, the games today were less exciting, but we’ve got some more games tomorrow!
10:00 PM EST: Colombia-South Korea
1:30 AM EST: New Zealand-Philippines
4:00 AM EST: Switzerland-Norway
Match Day 4 (2/23)
What a wonderful, dramatic, and chaotic day of games! Last minute wins! Hard fought ties! Great day!
Group G: Sweden 2-1 South Africa
The Banyana Banyana came in looking for an upset and they nearly got it. They managed to keep Sweden off the board for the first half while scoring one of their own in the forty-eighth minute when Hildah Magaia scored a left footed shot from close range. The Swedes dominated possession, 69% to 31% while the South Africans frustrated the Swedes by preventing them from getting a goal and having a strong counter attack. However, the Swedes persisted. Johanna Rytting Kaneryd sent a cross in connecting with Fridolina Rolfo, who sent the ball into the back of the net to even the score. It looked like this game was heading for a tie, but in the last couple minutes of the game, Sweden got a corner. Off the corner, Kosovare Asllani sent a cross into the box and Amanda Ilestedt headed the ball home to win the game. The Swedish showed that they could persist through tough situations and could come up clutch when they needed to. The Swedes have shown they can come from behind to win, and this team cannot be counted out until the last whistle blows. As for the South Africans, even though they lost, this was a killer performance. They demonstrated they had a strong attack up front and that their defense and midfield could hang with a strong team. Even though it wasn’t today, I still think this South African team gets three points from somewhere before the end of the group stage.
Group E: Netherlands 1-0 Portugal
Portugal’s defense hung around and frustrated the Oranje, but their offense could not hang in the slightest. The Dutch put away a goal early, in the thirteenth minute of the game. Sherida Spitse sent a cross into the box and Stefanie van der Gragt managed to sneak it into the goal with a well-placed header to the lower right corner. While the Portuguese managed to prevent any more goals, they could not get a shot to try and tie it up. The Netherlands took twelve shots (five on target) and the Portuguese only took two. And the Oranje got pretty close to getting a second goal a couple times. Jill Roord had a good attempt that almost went in during the first half. In terms of possession, the Portuguese (44%) and the Dutch (56%) were relatively even, with the numbers favoring the Dutch. I do think the U.S. can beat either of these teams (I’m sure this take will absolutely not backfire on Wednesday). But I think the U.S. attackers can exploit some gaps in the Dutch defense that the Portuguese could not and that U.S. back line is exceptional. Anyways, the Dutch now sit second to the U.S. in group on goal differential and the Portuguese and Vietnamese are tied for last.
Group F: France 0-0 Jamaica
Talk about a tie that did not feel like a tie. At the final whistle, Jamaica celebrated this tie like they won the tournament and THEY DESERVED TO. This program has gone through so much and to start this World Cup campaign by getting a point off the number five ranked team in the world was HUGE. France absolutely dominated possession 72% to 28% and took fourteen shots to Jamaica’s six, but Jamaica would not let them score. The Reggae Girlz held down the French in the first half and showed off their athletic prowess. The French managed to create opportunities in the second half, with forward Kadidiatou Diani nearly clinching the win in the ninetieth minute, but she hit the crossbar. Jamaica coach Lorne Donaldson said it was Jamaica’s finest football moment. Frankly, I agree. Jamaica should feel awesome about this tie, this was a great way to start off their campaign and this is one of those games that the fans will remember forever. It didn’t come without any cost though. Khadija “Bunny” Shaw, star player and forward received a red card, which means she will not be available for the next game. As for the French, this was not the way they were hoping to start this campaign. Depending on what happens in the next few days, this group could get SUPER interesting, especially if it starts looking like France might not advance, which would be a huge surprise.
Speaking of tomorrow, we’ve got more games! And after tomorrow, we will have seen every team play once!
2:00 AM EST: Italy-Argentina
4:30 AM EST: Germany-Morocco
07:00 AM EST: Brazil-Panama
10:00 PM EST: Colombia-South Korea (this game will be recapped Tuesday)
Match Day 3 (7/22)
Group E: United States 3-0 Vietnam
Okay, I did watch this game, but full disclosure, I watched the game on the last stop of a pub crawl for a friend’s birthday and all my notes are those of an inebriated idiot (because I was, in fact, an inebriated idiot). So, this recap will include some Inebriated Idiot color commentary, hopefully to someone’s amusement (The Idiot: “there’s a dog at this bar. I am ignoring the dog even though I love the dog for the game and my fans.”).
Look I’m not going to lie, I know the USWNT won, but I am disappointed in this result. The U.S. had twenty-eight shots, seven on target, ten corner kicks, and one penalty and only managed to score three goals (The Idiot: “we’re winning but I’m upset it’s not by more.”). It took an entire fourteen minutes for Sophia Smith to net her first World Cup goal, nutmegging Vietnam goalkeeper Thi Kim Thanh in the process and followed by a choreographed handshake with co-captain Lindsey Horan, who had assisted the goal (The Idiot: “SOPHIA SMITH YES” nearly falls off stool). The U.S. dominated possession for most of the first half and I feel like I only saw the ball on the U.S.’s half like twice in over fifty minutes of play and yet it felt like the team could not put the ball in the back of the net (The Idiot: “the goddamn defense is at the opposing 18 yd box. We should be up 4-0.”). At one point I thought Julie Ertz was playing center midfield because she was in Vietnam’s eighteen yard box trying to convert a header (The Idiot: “JULIE WHAT HAPPENED”); she was, in fact, playing center-back and the U.S. just did not need to play defense. FINALLY I thought the team had caught a break when a foul in the box (The Idiot: knocks over fellow patron’s drink signaling for VAR) caused the ref to call a penalty (The Idiot: “that’s a weak sauce penalty ref” while still signaling for VAR). Up stepped Alex Morgan, a favorite for the Golden Boot in this tournament, an American hero and all-time striker who had only missed one penalty in her USWNT career. Surely we were about to go up 2-0. Well, we witnessed history, since Morgan, for only the second time in her career DID NOT CONVERT THE PK as Thi Kim Thanh made the save (The Idiot: “I am deeply upset. That’s another missed penalty. Forcing the storyline. Terrible PK. What the fuck.). Despite the anguish of the missed PK, the U.S. went into halftime up 2-0 after a second goal from Sophia Smith in stoppage time (The Idiot: “I LOVE SOPHIA SMITH. WAIT. REF. WHAT THE FUCK. THAT’S A GOAL NOT OFFSIDES THAT’S A GOAL GODDAMMIT WHAT THE FUCK. I COULD REF THIS GAME AND KNOW IT’S NOT OFFSIDES. Ok it’s a goal cool cool cool cool cool great job ref great call. I LOVE SOPHIA SMITH!”).
One of the most exciting moments of the whole tournament came in the sixty-third minute of the match when Megan Rapinoe subbed on and we got to see the BLUE HAIR (not blonde, not pink, BLUE) in live action (The Idiot: “I need to know Sue Bird’s thoughts on the blue hair right now, why can’t I find a Sue Bird Player’s Tribute article about the blue hair.”). Rose Lavelle, who had been limited by injuries leading up to the World Cup also subbed in at the same time. Yet, the LACK OF GOALS CONTINUED. Finally, Horan scored into a wide-open net (The Idiot: “LINDSEYYYYYYYYYY HORAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN”) off a pass from Smith to make it 3-0 (I love that Horan assisted one of Smith’s goals and then Smith assisted Horan’s and they’ve got a special handshake I’m obsessed with this friendship).
And that is where the score ended up. Vietnam took no shots on goal, no corner kicks, and had 34% of possession, which does not bode well for their future matchups. I am convinced that the reason the U.S. did not score more was because they just squandered chances left and right, which also does not bode well for them. ALSO, not scoring more goals could become a problem if they end up in a tie for points and getting first place in the group comes down to goal differential. I am stressed, I don’t know if you can tell (The Idiot: “I love this team so much I might cry.”). The U.S. comes up against a big test Wednesday night against the Netherlands in a rematch of the 2019 World Cup final. Vietnam takes on fellow debutante Portugal on Thursday.
Group C: Zambia 0-5 Japan
So Japan has worked out their offense problem and maybe I got too excited about Zambia. Hinata Miyazawa scored twice, with Mina Tanaka, Jun Endo, and Riko Ueki each scoring once. Japan took twenty-five shots total, with eleven on target, meaning they converted a fifth of all their shots. Plus, having four different goal scorers, none of whom is named “Mana,” is a great sign, since it means the defenses won’t be able to prevent goal scoring by just locking down one forward. Japan also had 60% of possession in this game, playing lovely pass-and-move football, and that sensational defense shut down the usually very strong Copper Queen attack, allowing no shots on goal. Zambia captain and offensive weapon Barbra Banda was just isolated up at the front. As if stuff couldn’t get worse for Zambia, goalkeeper Catherine Musonda was sent off for accumulating two yellow cards during the game. Japan now takes the lead in the group on goal differential. Japan will play Costa Rica next and Zambia will take on Spain.
Group D: England 1-0 Haiti
The Lionesses had to absolutely GRIND to win this one. They had 75% possession in this game, took twenty-one shots, with eleven on target, and only came away with one goal, scored by Georgia Stanway off of a penalty awarded for a handball in the box. While England dominated the second half, Haiti goalkeeper Kerly Theus would not let the Lionesses take a decisive lead, flying around the net, making ten saves. She’s so good, I’m so impressed. Haiti nearly managed to sneak a point out of this game when Roseline Eloissaint took a great last minute shot. Lucky for England, Mary Earps is the best goalkeeper in the world right now, and she made a superb save to prevent the equalizer and get England all three points. This does spawn a debate of who should be England’s number 9 (forward) for the rest of the tournament. Sarina Wiegman started Alessia Russo instead of Rachel Daly, bringing Daly on as a sub. Russo was not terribly effective in the 9 slot, while Daly seemed to awaken the offense (“Why hasn’t she been playing the whole time, she looks like the best player out there,” commented my fiance, who does not know a lot about soccer, when Daly first came on). The Lionesses might have preferred to win by more, but they’ve got their three points and we get a little bit of drama as to who will start in England’s next game. As for Haiti, even though they lost, I was pretty impressed with them. I think this game could have been a tie without the handball in the box. Theus was awesome and the team never quit, continuing to be unpredictable and playing excellent transitional football until the final whistle. They could maybe get a win against a lesser team than the reigning Euro champs.
Group D: Denmark 1-0 China
I thought this game was going to be a tie until the very end. It felt like no one could find the back of the net. China kept losing the ball in one-on-one scenarios, Denmark’s passes kept getting intercepted, and no one could put a shot on target. Even world class forward Pernille Harder couldn’t seem to carve out chances, as she usually does, to score. China looked like it might be able to sneak away with three points after Wang Shuang came on as a sub, bringing a greater sense of urgency with her. However, the Chinese nearly conceded an own goal in the 76th minute. The teams were relatively evenly matched with the numbers slightly favoring Denmark. Denmark had 56% possession to China’s 44% and Denmark had thirteen shots with two on target to China’s nine shots with two on target. Like I said, pretty evenly matched, and despite China’s renewed urgency, it looked like we were heading towards a tie. But then, in the 89th minute, Harder sent in a corner that connected with the head of Amalie Vangsgaard, whose long-range header went into the back of the net to give Denmark the W and three points. WHAT A WAY TO END THE MATCH and a GREAT way to end another glorious day of football.
Those are all the games for the day, so let’s talk about tomorrow. They are not at ideal times for a Sunday.
1:00 AM EST: Sweden-South Africa
3:30 AM EST: Netherlands-Portugal
6:00 AM EST: France-Jamaica
See you tomorrow!
Match Day 2 (7/21)
Group B: Nigeria 0-0 Canada
The Super Falcons have a super goalkeeper in Chiamka Nnadozie, who saved a Christine Sinclair penalty in the 50th minute to hold the reigning Gold Medalists to a tie. Saving penalties is so hard, the cards are so stacked against the goalkeeper, and Nnadozie deserves a lot of credit for this tie. For those counting along at home, that was the second missed penalty kick in two days; maybe this becomes a storyline??? Leaping low to her left to make the save, Nnadozie deprived Sinclair of becoming the first player to score in six World Cups. Good news is, Sinclair has two more games to achieve that goal (goal like score a goal, goal like accomplishment, everyone see what I did there? I’m told all the best jokes should be explained). This was one of those ties that felt like a win for Nigeria and a loss for Canada. Canada dominated possession 68% to 33% and had five more shots on goal (sixteen, three on target) than Nigeria (eleven, one on target). While it appeared most of the team was frustrated, no one seemed more frustrated than Sinclair. Although this was a big point for Nigeria, who are now tied for second in the group with Canada, it did come at a cost. Deep into stoppage time Super Falcon midfielder Deborah Abiodum got a red card, which means not only was she sent off for the remainder of the game and Nigeria had to play down one, Abiodum will also miss the next game against Australia. Not ideal. The Super Falcons had sixteen fouls called against them today, which could prove to be a problem going forward. As for the Canadians, they really need to workout whatever is going on with their offense. They play Ireland next, which I’m predicting will be a 0-0 tie because both those defenses are very good and the offenses both seem lacking. Hopefully Sinclair gets that goal at some point though, scoring in six World Cups would be an awesome addition to an already awesome legacy.
Group A: Philippines 0-2 Switzerland
The Nati dominated this one. They had 74% of possession to the Malditas’ 26%. They took seventeen shots, with eight on target to the Malditas’ three shots with none on target. Malditas goalkeeper Olivia McDaniel had to make six saves and Nati keeper Gaelle Thamann did not have to make a single one. Switzerland took the lead in the first half when Ramona Bachmann became the first player to convert a penalty kick in this World Cup. The Nati looked pretty unstoppable in the second half and midfielder Seraina Piubel joined in on the goal-scoring in the 64th minute, smashing in a close-range shot. Even though both Switzerland and Australia have three points after their wins, the Nati are currently in first place in the group on goal differential (so I will tolerate no commentary about bad sportsmanship if teams run up the score in the group stage). Anyways, I was hoping the Philippines would just come out of nowhere and stun the Swiss, in the name of chaos, or that Switzerland would go off for a few more goals, but that’s okay! We love football!
Group C: Spain 3-0 Costa Rica
In this game, played in pouring rain, victory went to la Roja of Spain, whose dominance in possession still remains, and whose hopes for a deep tournament run are unchanged. This game could have been a lot more than 3-0. Spain absolutely dominated possession 80% to 20% and had forty-six, YES YOU READ THAT RIGHT, FORTY-FUCKING-SIX shots on goal with twelve on target. Costa Rica took one shot on goal with none on target. The game started off rough for las Ticas, as they conceded an own goal at the twenty-first minute. The first-half did not improve with Aitana Bonmatí and Esther González taking care of business, each scoring one in the first-half. Spain also had a whopping twenty-two corner kicks. THAT’S SO MANY, I AM EXHAUSTED THINKING ABOUT THE CORNER KICKS ALONE. That’s like a set piece drill but in a game, I literally can’t. Anyways, the only reason Spain didn’t win 13-0 is because las Ticas goalkeeper Daniela Solera was AWESOME today and had ten saves, INCLUDING saving a first-half penalty (that’s three missed penalties, one made penalty, I will force this storyline). La Roja looked as good as anyone could have hoped today, and they did it without two-time Ballon d’Or Alexia Putellas, who was a sub in this game. Spain is in a great position, sitting with three points at the top of the group ahead of Zambia-Japan tomorrow morning. However, I am slightly concerned that they only converted one of those twenty-two corner kicks, that’s a lot of opportunities to send the ball right in front of the goal and la Roja only converted one. And as for las Ticas, we’ll have to wait and see if they’ll bounce back from this tough, tough start to the World Cup.
Okay, here’s what’s coming up:
9:00 PM EST: USA-Vietnam (WOOOHOOOOOOOOOO A GAME AT A TIME WHERE IT CAN REALISTICALLY BE WATCHED)
Let’s take a moment here everyone. Stop whatever else your doing and focus………………… We are the favorites. We are the reigning champions. We are going for a 3-peat. We are the greatest Women’s Soccer Team to ever have existed on the face of this earth, and I would challenge any aliens out there because we would kick there asses (or whatever they use as an ass) too!!! Our soccer is soooo good, we have so many world class athletes, that almost every team that has played so far, and most of the teams that will play, have an American-born player. We are the standard. But the standard is never enough. We strive to be better, we work to be stronger, we prepare to be smarter. The Men’s team, they try really really hard, and that is great. The Women, they expect to win every game they play, and nothing less is expected. Let me put it into a bit of perspective . . . There have been 8 women’s world cups played. The worst the USA has ever done: third place (1995, 2003, 2007). Ever other tournament but one, we have won (1991, 1999, 2015, 2019) (2011 we got second). And you saw those year’s right, we are looking to be the ONLY TEAM IN THE HISTORY OF SOCCER to win the world cup 3-times in a row. The pressure is enormous on these women. The injuries have been bad. But we still have the best players, system, coaches, and belief in the tournament. So, without getting to worked up, taking each game at a time, get your eyes on a freaking TV at 9 pm (EST) to do your part for this world cup. Anyone not watching owes this newsletter a one-page explanation of why they did not watch. And that explanation will be reviewed by Nora and myself. Again, we are not getting to worked up yet, this is just game number 1, BUT YOU BETTER WATCH!!!
3:00 AM EST: Zambia-Japan (I am very excited to see Zambia in action)
5:30 AM EST: England-Haiti
8:00 AM EST: Denmark-China (ANOTHER GAME AT A TIME WHERE IT CAN REALISTICALLY BE WATCHED FOR THOSE ON THE EAST COAST SORRY EVERYONE ELSE)
Match Day 1 (7/20)
Group A: New Zealand 1-0 Norway
WHAT AN UPSET. Wow I did not think Norway would do so little in the World Cup opener and how about that home soil magic for (both) the hosts!!! New Zealand was looking quite weak coming into today, having lost three of the last five games coming into the World Cup. Additionally, New Zealand had never won a World Cup game coming into today. That all ended in the 48th minute when Hannah Wilkinson converted a stunner of a cross from Jacqui Hand (HOW CAN ANYONE NOT BE ROMANTIC ABOUT FOOTBALL). They almost snagged a second goal in the 90th minute, but Ria Percival failed to convert her penalty kick, hitting the crossbar. It’s not that Norway had no response for the Football Ferns, but they were just Sittin’ Up in Their Room until the last twenty-five minutes of the game (not a winning strategy). Norway asked Tuva Hansen, “Are You That Somebody” as the team threw players forward in an attempt to score an equalizer, but alas, Hansen’s 81st minute shot ricocheted off the crossbar, and that was probably the best look Norway got all day. By the statistics, these teams were equally matched: possession was 50/50, New Zealand had twelve shots on goal with two on target, and Norway had thirteen shots on goal with two on target. The difference at the end of the day was that New Zealand wanted it more and showed up to meet the moment from the first minute. If Norway wants a shot at getting out of the group they need to show up before the End of the Road (game). And as for New Zealand, I’m still not convinced they’ll make it out of group, but I did consider writing them an apology letter this morning for calling them the less-interesting host nation and saying they would go unnoticed in a corner. However, I am not at the apology letter point yet.
Group B: Australia 1-0 Ireland
Not going to lie, I fully panicked when I saw the Australian lineup this morning and realized Sam Kerr was not in it (she’s out for a couple games with a calf injury suffered in training, we should see her before the end of the group stage). Turns out the Matildas didn’t need one of the best forwards in the world to get done. This game was a fucking grind. The Irish midfield and defense are no joke. Both lines move as units and they reorganize so quickly. They also play very tough and physical football. At times the Girls in Green looked like they were playing the other kind of football, shellacking the Australians. However, the Matildas persisted. They dominated possession 63/37. The Matildas put the pressure on Irish GK Brosnan with thirteen shots on goal (two on target), with Steph Catley converting a penalty in the 52nd minute. The Irish attack had nine shots with one on target. Frankly, the Irish attack looked a little slow at time on the counter-attack. Don’t count them out though. That defense really is as good as it’s cracked up to be. And as for the Australians, they did what they needed in game one even without their captain and star player. No big, let’s see if they can do it again for a second game.
Next games: Canada and Nigeria play tonight at 10:30 PM EST, the Phillipines play Switzerland at 1AM EST, Spain and Costa Rica kick off at 3:30 AM EST, and the USWNT kicks off its title defense against Vietnam at 9:00 PM EST (that game will be covered Saturday but I am very excited).
See you tomorrow!
7/19/23
The Un-Informed Expert’s World’s Cup Daily Newsletter
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WE BACK!!!! Like me, I know all of you have been waiting with baited breath for this World Cup and these emails! We (we you say? Read on to learn more) will be giving out a daily briefer of what happened at the World Cup. I promise nothing in these briefers, not even to get them out daily. And, though you may read some hot takes, know that they are not ever researched (at least for me). I will, however, get you the scores to every game.
Just a few things off the top. This World Cup is being played in Australia and New Zealand. This means that games are going to be live at 9 pm to 8 am (EST). I am sure that they will be replayed at more reasonable times. There are 32 teams in this World Cup, that means 3 group play games, then knockout stages (round of 16, 8, 4, finals). For the nerds out there, below there are a couple tables (that uses numbers) I put together for each group and for each continent. The numbers are based on FIFA rankings (super reliable…..not). USA comes in as the favorite, but after key injuries we are less than invincible. Also, teams around the world continue to get better and better. USA’s schedule for group play: Game 1 vs Vietnam (7/21 @ 9 pm); Game 2 vs Netherlands (7/26 @ 9 pm); Game 3 vs Portugal (8/1 @ 3 am). The first game of the tournament (New Zealand vs Norway) starts this morning (Thursday 7/20 @ 3 am)
One more thing, this year we are welcoming a field correspondent to this newsletter who will be helping me complete the daily-ness of this newsletter as I take the Bar Exam. I know, I know. . . am I really even a footy fan if I cant even dedicate myself to the beautiful game when I am about to take the Bar? Unfortunately, unlike my finals during the last World Cup, I have just a little bit (a lot a bit) less time for anything. So with that, our very first field correspondent—Nora Hanson—please introduce yourself. . . .
Introducing myself to Andrés’s fans: Hello! My name is Nora Hanson. I am usually called “Nora,” “Hanson,” or “Hanson, you idiot.” Take your pick, but I think the third is most accurate. I had the privilege of attending law school with Andrés, but I’m a year ahead of him, meaning I have already taken the bar and now have far too much free time, as you will all soon surmise from these team previews. I know, I know, the only thing more exciting than a sports newsletter written by ONE lawyer, is a sports newsletter written by TWO lawyers. Soccer was my first love and a huge part of my life for a long time, with the most important team I played on being the University of Maine School of Law Club Soccer Team (Andrés was also on the team . . . I think). Some things that you probably need to know before reading my team previews: (1) I was a goalkeeper for many years and I do not say mean things about goalkeepers, it is the hardest and most thankless position in the game and goalkeepers are all a little (AAK note – A LOT) crazy (myself included) , meaning I am too afraid to say anything bad about any of them even though there is zero chance it ever gets back to them; (2) I have frequently been described as a golden retriever, I am extremely enthusiastic about everything, and extra enthusiastic about soccer, which you will probably pick up on; and (3) I can’t think of a third thing you need to know, but leaving it at two seemed unfulfilled, so if I think of a third thing I will add it, and if I can’t this should be left in since it is a great look into my brain. Okay, let’s get into it.
We do not apologize for the length of this email, but it is very long. Below are the tables and then all the wonderful previews that Hanson, you beautiful idiot, created. Tomorrow we will have scores and notes on the games played.
World Cup Groups (average – dif b/w best & worst – dif b/w top 3)
Number next to Country is FIFA Ranking
| Group A (26 – 34 – 14) | Group E (15.75 – 31 – 20) |
| 12. Norway | 1. USA |
| 20. Switzerland | 9. Netherlands |
| 26. New Zealand | 21. Portugal |
| 46. Philippines | 32. Vietnam |
| Group B (19.75 – 33 – 15) | Group F (27 – 47 – 38) |
| 7. Canada | 5. France |
| 10. Australia | 8. Brazil |
| 22. Rep. of Ireland | 43. Jamaica |
| 40. Nigeria | 52. Panama |
| Group C (32.5 – 77 – 30) | Group G (25.25 – 51) |
| 6. Spain | 3. Sweden |
| 11. Japan | 16. Italy |
| 36. Costa Rica | 28. Argentina |
| 77. Zambia | 54. South Africa |
| Group D (21 – 49 – 10) GROUPO DE DEATHO | Group H (29 – 70 – 23) |
| 4. England | 2. Germany |
| 13. Denmark | 17. South Korea |
| 14. China | 25. Colombia |
| 53. Haiti | 72. Morocco |
Rearranged teams (total in WC – average – dif d/w top/bottom)
| North America (6 – 32 – 51) o USA #1 o Canada #7 o Costa Rica #36 o Jamaica #43 o Panama #52 o Haiti #53 | Europe (12 – 11 – 20) o 6 of top 10 § Germany #2 § Sweden #3 § England #4 (3rd 2015, 4th2019) § France #5 (4th 2011) § Spain #6 § Netherlands #9 o Norway #12 (2nd 2019) o Denmark #13 o Italy #16 o Switzerland #20 o Portugal #21 o Rep. of Ireland #22 |
| South America (3 – 20 – 20) o Brazil #8 (2nd 2007) o Colombia #25 o Argentina #28 | Africa (4 – 60 – 37) o Nigeria #40 o South Africa #54 o Morocco #72 o Zambia #77 |
| Asia (5 – 24 – 35) o Japan #11 o China #14 o South Korea #17 o Vietnam #32 o Philippines #46 | Oceana (2 – 18 – 16) o Australia #10 o New Zealand #26 |
Group A Predictions
Actual: Norway, Switzerland, Philippines, New Zealand
Chaos: Switzerland, Philippines, Norway, New Zealand
New Zealand (Group A)
There are two host nations for this tournament and this is by far the less interesting one. The Football Ferns are hoping some home soil magic will help them find their first World Cup win ever. Truly, if they were not a host, I doubt they would be in this tournament. The Football Ferns have scored five goals since June 2022 and have had twenty-two goals scored against them in 2023 alone. They had a good victory over Vietnam (2-0) and had a close loss to Italy (1-0). The Football Ferns mostly score off counter-attacks, which appear to be their only strength (strength is a relative term; remember, they’ve scored five goals since LAST JUNE). We are here for Ali Riley (152 caps, 2 goals), and Ali Riley only. The New Zealand captain recently earned her 150th cap for the Football Ferns this World Cup. I guess we can also be there for Olivia Chance (43 caps, 2 goals) and Ria Percival (161 caps, 15 goals). We will maybe hear about New Zealand for the first day of the tournament, before they fully embrace the “Fern” nickname, and go sit in the corner, quiet and unnoticed, as we all turn our attention to More-Interesting-Host, Australia.
Norway (Group A)
The Backstreet Boys, the Spice Girls, the Norwegian national team. What do these things have in common? They were all huge in the 90’s. The Norwegian women chased some Waterfalls and showed the world This Is How We Do It, winning the 1995 World Cup, after winning the Euro in 1987 and 1993. In 2000, the Norse said Oops I Did It Again, winning a gold medal in the Olympics, before saying Bye Bye Bye to winning meaningful tournaments, with the low coming in an 8-0 loss to England and a group stage exit in the Euro last summer. However, things are looking up, as former star player Hege Riise takes over as coach. If the greatest Norwegian player of all time can’t get us saying “Norway’s Back Alright” then I am unsure where this team goes from here. A good start would be for someone not named Ada Hegerberg (76 caps, 43 goals) to score goals (looking at you Caroline Graham Hansen (65 caps, 24 goals)) and for Frida Maanum (66 caps, 11 goals), coming off a strong season at Arsenal, to help out this very leaky defense. Lucky for the Norwegians, their group is very weak, so they could have some success and make it to the knockout round.
Philippines (Group A)
The Malditas could bring absolute chaos to their first ever World Cup. They have the potential to be great, or the potential to be terrible. They are coming off a very strong 2022 Asian Cup, where they took the world by storm beating More-Interesting-Host Australia to make it to the semis. This is a very young team with a strong defense, including goalkeeper Olivia Davies-McDaniel (26 caps), who saved two penalties and made a penalty shot in the Asian Cup quarterfinals and apparently has no capacity to feel any anxiety. Sarina Bolden (36 caps) is the player to watch on offense, with twenty-one international goals. This team has the potential to be a lot of fun in this tournament and in the future, and a tie against Norway would bring about the chaos I assume we all crave in big tournaments.
Switzerland (Group A)
The Nati are making their second World Cup appearance and have the potential to be a dark horse in this tournament. A wildly inconsistent team, they have the ability to both give up leads and go down only to claw their way back. They have a high powered offense, beating Moldova 15-0 in 2022, but also have a leaky defense, with only four clean sheets in the last twelve months. The Nati have new head coach Inka Grings at the helm, a change after the Euro last summer. Watch for veteran Ramona Bachmann (131 caps, 57 goals) and upcoming attacker Riola Xhemaili (20 caps, 5 goals) to score goals on goals on goals. The Nati are coming into the World Cup off two ties against fellow World Cup participants, meaning they should stack up against the competition (Switzerland 3-3 Zambia) (Switzerland 0-0 Morocco). Given how many goals the Nati score and give up, their games could be incredibly fun to watch.
Group B
Actual: Australia, Canada, Ireland, Nigeria
Chaos: Australia, Nigeria, Ireland, Canada
Australia (Group B)
All eyes are on Sam Kerr and more interesting host nation Australia this tournament. The Matildas are an erratic, but talented team. They will play with your heart like a boomerang. They will lose to Scotland (ranked #23 by FIFA) then go on to beat England (ranked #4 by FIFA). While this squad is inconsistent, they have never boasted more talent from some of the top clubs in the world, like Lyon’s Ellie Carpenter (61 caps, 3 goals), San Diego Wave’s Emily van Egmond (127 caps, 30 goals), Racing Louisville’s Alex Chidiac (27 caps, 2 goals), Arsenal’s Caitlin Foord (108 caps, 29 goals), and Mary Fowler (37 caps, 10 goals), Hayley Raso (70 caps, 12 goals) and Alanna Kennedy (108 caps, 8 goals) of Man City. And of course, at the center of it all is Captain Sam Kerr (120 Caps, 63 goals), widely regarded as one of the best forwards in the game. Love her or hate her, Kerr has defined Australian football for the last decade, since she debuted with the senior national team at age 15. She has won the Golden Boot in three different leagues on three different continents (Australia/New Zealand, US, Europe). She is the Australian equivalent of Mia Hamm. The 2022 World Cup will be Kerr’s fourth (and hopefully not last) World Cup. Australia has never made it past the quarterfinals, could this supremely talented squad, led by a generational talent be the ones to take them to the promised land of a World Cup trophy in front of a home crowd? I have started crying just writing about this. HOW CAN ANYONE NOT BE ROMANTIC ABOUT FOOTBALL?
Canada (Group B)
Last time there was a big international competition, Canada came away with the top prize: the gold medal at the Olympic games. The reigning Olympic gold medalists have the defense of a title contender. Led by PSG full-back Ashley Lawrence (117 caps, 8 goals), one of the best in the game, and along with midfielder Julia Grosso (50 caps, 3 goals), make up a strong Canadian roster. Not to mention Kailen Sheridan (35 caps), one of the best goalkeepers in the world. However, Canada cannot score. They have won only one game in 2023 and have yet to score more than two goals in a game. They did manage a 0-0 tie against England in their last friendly before the tournament; a good result against a tough team. The biggest question mark for this team is the role of legendary captain, Christine Sinclair (323 caps, 190 goals) in this tournament. Sinclair has the most caps and goals in the national team’s history, but she is almost forty, and how much production she can offer on the field is unclear at this point. A key for Canada this tournament is whether anyone on this team not named Christine Sinclair can score. While their defense is sensational, (crazy hot take coming) they need to score goals if they’re going to win. But, with head coach Bev Priestman leading the charge, do not count this team out. Additionally, the Canadian women are sensational, fuck the Canadian Soccer Federation, they deserve to be paid equally, and that is all that will be said on that. This team tends to thrive in adversity and it will have to do so given that they have to advance out of this tournament’s Group of Death.
Nigeria (Group B)
The Super Falcons are led by literal superhero Asisat Oshoala (29 goals), perhaps the greatest African footballer ever. Barcelona’s number 9 is a goal MACHINE. She has won African Women’s Footballer of the Year a record FIVE times and was the first African woman to be nominated for the Ballon d’Or in 2022. She is a literal living legend. No, I’m serious, she is popularly called “Àgba Baller,” which translates to “Legendary Footballer.” Like I said, LIVING LEGEND AND LITERAL SUPERHERO. The Super Falcons have offense for days and in a different group, could probably advance. They won their last three friendlies and kept it close against Columbia and Mexico, losing by only one in both games. However, they are in an extremely tough group, featuring more interesting host nation Australia and reigning Olympic gold medalists Canada. But, the Nigerians believe they can advance to the round of 16 and maybe we should believe them. They are the Super Falcons after all. Look for this team to play tough and create chaos in Group B, especially against defensive stalwarts Canada.
Republic of Ireland (Group B)
The Irish are making their World Cup debut and they are some of the most exciting newcomers to watch (at least according to USWNT superstar Sam Mewis). With defensive superstars Katie McCabe (73 caps, 18 goals) and Denise O’Sullivan (102 caps, 18 goals) leading the charge, the Girls in Green are hard to score on. They haven’t allowed more than two goals in a game since 2022. But they might be too good at defense. Mostly recently, Ireland and Colombia’s final friendly was called off twenty minutes when the game became too physical. I am unsure whether this is a good sign or a bad sign. Head coach Vera Pauw uses a heavily defensive 5-4-1 formation. Most of Ireland’s goals come off set pieces and all three of their goals against Australia came from dead ball scenarios. Riveting stuff. This is a team that believes they can win every single game, and with this excellent defense, they should be in every match until the final whistle. This is a team worth setting your alarm to get up and see.
Group C
Actual: Spain, Zambia, Japan, Costa Rica
Chaos Zambia, Costa Rica, Japan, Spain
Japan (Group C)
The year is 2011. The Japan women’s national team is feeling like a Firework as it is crowned 2011 World Cup champions having defeated the United States. In 2012, the Nadeshiko said, “Party Rockers [still] in the House,” with a silver medal at the Olympics. Then came 2015, where Japan once again made the finals, and were on the Edge of Glory, but the US was Dynamite, scoring five times. Since then, Japan has not found as much success, not making a World Cup or Olympic finals. They appear to be slowly climbing back to their former glory, playing a brand of disciplined, organized, and conservative soccer that is frankly boring as all hell but very effective when done well. The Japanese lost two close games 1-0 in the 2023 She Believes Cup before beating reigning Olympic champions Canada 3-0. Their defense is sensational; they have conceded four goals in 2023, but they have a scoring problem and struggle in the midfield, which serves as a critical link to create offense for this possession focused team. However, they demolished Panama 5-0 in their final friendly before the World Cup, suggesting their scoring abilities may also be on the rise. Besides the midfield, the key for this team is someone other than Mana (87 caps, 37 goals) needs to score for Japan to get the offensive power they need to make an impact at this World Cup or else the knockout round will be Just a Dream.
Costa Rica (Group C)
In its second ever World Cup appearance, Costa Rica should be a fun underdog, coming off a fourth place finish at the 2022 CONCACAF Championship. Las Ticas scored 22 goals and conceded none through their four qualifiers for regional championships. And when they lose, it’s often by multiple goals (Ex. 3-0 to the US; 4-0 to Scotland). So whether they win or lose, their games should be fun to watch. Another reason to watch Costa Rica is for Portland Thorns FC attacking midfielder Rocky Rodríguez. Besides having one of the coolest names in the game, Rocky is a goal-scoring machine, with forty-three goals on seventy-three caps for las Ticas. She’s missed time with the Thorns after spraining her MCL in May, but should be back for Costa Rica’s first game of the tournament. PLUS if you need another reason to be excited (you shouldn’t but I’ve got you), Rocky is paired with sensational veteran playmaker Shirley Cruz (109 caps, 34 goals) in the midfield. Las Ticas are coming into the tournament looking decent after one win and one loss against other World Cup participants (Costa Rica 2-0 Haiti) (Costa Rica 0-2 South Africa). I don’t know if Costa Rica will advance to the knockouts, but I think we will have a blast watching them try and get there.
Spain (Group C)
It’s hard to talk about la Roja without first talking about everyone who is missing from the squad. In September of 2022, fifteen players from the Spanish national team resigned in protest against head coach Jorge Vilda staying in his position. However, star player, global superstar, and two-time Ballon d’Or winner, Alexia Putellas (100 caps, 27 goals) IS BACK FOR THE WORLD CUP WOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOO. La Roja had a good showing in the 2022 Euro, losing in knockouts to an English team who would go on to win the tournament, but that team had all sixteen now absent players on the roster. “So, Hanson,” you say, “you’re telling me I don’t have to watch the Spanish, right?” WRONG! There is a lot to be excited about. La Roja all-time top scorer and veteran forward Jennifer Hermoso (93 caps, 46 goals) is BACK after a knee injury that kept her out of the 2022 Euros. And we can’t forget defensive stalwart Irene Paredes (90 caps, 11 goals). Plus, there is a young, talented group of players on this team, like Salma Paralluelo (2 caps, 3 goals) and Eva Nevarro (5 caps, 2 goals) who played together at the U-17 World Cup in Uruguay in 2018. Plus, there is the tiki-taka soccer style (small triangles, fast passes), which is worth getting excited about on its own because, when done well, it is the purest form of beautiful soccer. If you do not feel like you are witnessing the divine watching tiki-taka soccer, call me and let’s grab a beer and watch clips of the 2010 Spanish men’s national team until we both cry (me because I am having a spiritual experience and you, probably out of boredom). This la Roja team is very possession-based (they are not super good at scoring but I am ignoring that because I feel like I just got you interested in this team again). However, they had a fine time scoring in their last three friendlies (Spain 7-0 Panama) (Spain 2-0 Denmark) (Spain 9-0 Vietnam), so they may be heating up after all. This will be a super interesting World Cup for them in light of all the talent they have and all the drama going on with their coaching.
Zambia (Group C)
The Copper Queens might be making their World Cup debut, but they have been a fast-emerging football power for the last few years. Zambia believes they can advance out of Group C and they have good reason to be confident. First, in their last friendly before the tournament, they beat European superpower 3-2, a great sign going into the tournament. Their strong attack game features Barbra Banda, one of the most exciting strikers in the game. Banda has scored THIRTY GOALS in THIRTY-SIX caps. THAT IS UNREAL. This should be a breakout tournament for Banda. While the Copper Queens have an unreal attack, they do struggle defensively. In their Olympic debut in 2021, they scored seven times in three matches, but conceded fifteen goals. In their most recent matches, they lost 3-2 to Ireland, tied Switzerland 3-3, and then beat Germany, as mentioned above. I am taking this as a positive because it means their games will just be goals on goals on goals, and if you don’t like lots of goals you are wrong and I am taking no further questions at this time. This high-scoring, high-conceding, fast-paced, physical team should be super fun to watch and I am really optimistic they advance out of the group.
Group D
Actual: England, China, Denmark, Haiti
Chaos: China, Denmark, England, Haiti
China (Group D)
Picture it: it’s June 10, 1999. You’re at the Rose Bowl in Pasadena, California. The United States and China are scoreless after 120 minutes and heading to penalties. What we are witnessing at this moment is the peak of Chinese football. After taking the silver medal in the 1996 Olympics, China has the opportunity to win the World Cup and prove they are not a perpetual runner up. Watch the team line up at the eighteen yard box and put their arms around each other as they start one of the most nerve-wracking experiences in all of sports with the greatest trophy in women’s soccer on the line. In just a few minutes Brandi Chastain is going to bring the Steel Roses’ dreams crashing down with her as epically slides onto her knees after her tournament winning PK in one of the most iconic shots and post-goal celebrations in football history. Chastain left the Chinese waiting for Someday and hoping for Better Days. However, instead of Better Days, the Bottom has Dropped Out as the Steel Roses have left us wondering Where My Girls At as they have failed to make it past the quarter finals since that fateful day in ‘99. Recently, the Chinese have been Learning to Fly again, winning the 2022 Asian Cup after beating Japan on penalties. Their highly technical style of play makes it hard to steal the ball from them, but they don’t attack quickly, which can make it hard to take advantage of transitions and catch opponents on their heels. They also have a scoring problem, with their last five score lines as China 0-0 Ireland, China 0-0 Switzerland, China 0-3 Spain, China 0-3 Brazil, and China 2-2 Colombia. We could be seeing some 0-0 draws in the group stage.
Denmark (Group D)
Look, I know I’m technically supposed to talk about all of the Denmark national team (in Danish, “Danmarks kvindefodboldlandshold,” please send me your best attempts to say that) here, but let’s be honest, no one on this team matters except Pernille Harder (141 caps, 70 goals). Harder has won seven league titles in three different countries, scored goals in the finals of the Women’s Champions League and the Euro, and this is her first World Cup. To be clear, that is entirely Denmark’s fault, NOT Harder’s. This is Denmark’s first time in the World Cup since 2007. The reason only Pernille Harder matters is because all of Denmark’s success hinges on her, which traditionally does not lead to great results. There is no bench. They’ve kept clean sheets in three of their four of their last five matches, which suggests that they’ve got a decent defense, but the kvindefodboldlandshold looked very bad against France when they were knocked out of Euros last year. They are also coming off a 2-0 loss to Spain in their last friendly before the tournament. Really, I think the fact that we finally get to see Harder in a World Cup is victory enough, and maybe they make it out of the group stage.
England (Group D)
Last summer the Three Lioness’s did what no England team had managed to do for decades and BROUGHT IT HOME after winning the 2022 Euro. The Lioness’s would have been the easy choice to win the World Cup this summer, but they’ve had some brutal injuries to key players Leah Williamson, Fran Kirby, and Beth Mead. But even with those injuries, England is still a top contender to win the whole thing. First, they have Sarina Wiegman at the helm, who won her THIRD Best Fifa Women’s Coach award in February. Second, the team is still deep as all hell. Despite having knee surgery at the end of April, Lucy Bronze (105 caps, 12 goals) is healthy and will be on the squad for the World Cup (her middle name literally is “Tough” so this should surprise no one). Bronze’s Barcelona teammate Keira Walsh (59 caps, 0 goals) is also on the squad. Walsh’s possession and positioning dictates the tempo of matches and her intelligence makes her one of the best holding midfielders in the game. Watching her one-touch passes is more exciting than watching some goals. Additionally, Walsh and Bronze are joined by Millie Bright (66 caps, 5 goals), Alex Greenwood (75 caps, 5 goals), Mary Earps (34 caps), and Georgia Stanway (50 caps, 15 goals), who all played for the 2019 squad that made it to the World Cup semi-finals. Keep your eye out for forward Lauren James (11 caps, 1 goal), who has had an excellent season with Chelsea and may have a break-out tournament this summer. England has had a tough couple of matches going into the tournament, with a loss to more interesting host nation Australia and a tie against Portugal, both at home in England. But, the Lionesses will be a must-watch in the World Cup to see if they can once again BRING IT HOME.
Haiti (Group D)
Haiti is making its first appearance in the World Cup this summer. Last time they were in New Zealand, les Grenadieres pulled out two victories, a 4-0 win over Senegal and a 2-1 win over Chile, to punch their ticket to the World Cup. However, since beating Chile, they’ve lost two of their last four games. Haiti is a lot of fun to watch up top, with the awesome athleticism of Roselord Borgella (21 caps, 18 goals) supported by Captain Nerilia Mondesir (12 caps, 18 goals) and Melchie Dumornay (13 caps, 8 goals). This team is quite young, with thirty-year-old Borgella as the oldest of the group. Mondesir is twenty-four and Dumornay is nineteen. However, many of the players have good experience, with many of them playing in the French league. If this team didn’t have one of the toughest groups in the whole tournament, I would say they could be a fun underdog that could maybe create some chaos, but, unfortunately, they are playing three of the top twenty teams in the world in their first three games, so instead I suggest we applaud Haiti for making it to their first World Cup and hope for some fun football, which I think they can deliver.
Group E
Actual: US, Netherlands, Portugal, Vietnam
Chaos: U.S., Portugal, Netherlands, Vietnam
Netherlands (Group E)
The 2019 World Cup runners-up are back in action for 2023. The OranjeLeeuwinnen (please send your best pronunciations) did not have a great showing at the Euros last summer, exiting in the quarter-final against France. That game against France demonstrated the Netherlands’s greatest weakness, the leaky defense, with France getting over thirty shots on goal. Luckily, the Netherlands have an incredible goalkeeping talent in Daphne van Domselaar (14 caps), one of the best keepers in the game right now. After coming off the bench last summer, she is now the starter and does a great job mitigating the leakiness of the defense. Going back to that France game last summer, of those over thirty shots on goal, she only let in one. However, even without forward Vivianne Miedema (out with an ACL injury), the offense appears to be firing, scoring five goals against Belgium in the team’s last friendly before the tournament, and managing to keep a clean sheet. Without Miedema, midfielder Jill Roord (86 caps, 21 goals) will need to step up if the Netherlands are going to make a deep run. This midfield is, frankly, underrated, and is a key to the Netherlands’s strong attack. Roord’s versatility as a player able to move from the wing to an attacking center position helps. Additionally, keep your eye on forward Esmee Brugts (15 caps, 4 goals) and her deadly crosses. If everyone on this team steps up, they will be super fun to watch, particularly on the attack, and if the Girls in Orange can’t get their act together on defense, then there will be a ton of shots against them with an excellent netminder to make incredible saves. So basically, if you like offense and goals, tune in to watch the OranjeLeeuwinnen.
Portugal (Group E)
The Portuguese had to go through a ten-match group phase and two playoff rounds, but they MADE IT and now we get to see the team in its World Cup debut. They won eight international games in a row before Japan ended their streak 2-1. However, they’re coming into the tournament after tying a strong England side 0-0 and beating Ukraine 2-0, suggesting they are trending in the right direction. This team is feisty and has great team chemistry and goes into every game believing they can win. Jessica Silva (100 caps, 14 goals) headlines the team. The talented forward is joined by Carole Costa (151 caps, 17 goals), who converted a 94th minute penalty against Cameroon to book Portugal’s ticket to the World Cup. These two are joined by Diana Gomes (31 caps, 4 goals) as well as potential break-out-star Kika Nazareth (23 caps, 6 goals). Look for Portugal to be potential disruptors in this group, particularly given their very close game with the Netherlands (Netherlands 3-2 Portugal) in the Euro group stage last summer.
USA (Group E)
OKAY FINALLY THE REASON WE ARE HERE. THE REIGNING WORLD CUP CHAMPIONS ARE BACK AND ARE GOING FOR A HISTORIC THREE-PEAT. WE HAVE SO MUCH TO TALK ABOUT. MEGAN RAPINOE’S LAST WORLD CUP, A TALENTED, YOUNG GROUP FEATURING SOPHIA SMITH AND TRINITY RODMAN, OH MY GOD WHERE DO WE EVEN START. Okay okay okay, I’m calm, let’s try that again. The USA are going through a transition period with a coaching change from Jill Ellis to Vlatko Andonovski in between World Cups and some veteran players getting ready to retire (see above re: Megan Rapinoe). This third trophy will be super hard to achieve. Everyone wants to take down this team, especially after the historic performance the USA put on in 2019. On top of that, there are a couple of heartbreaking injuries to deal with. Mal Swanson looked unreal in the lead up to the World Cup before getting injured back in April. And more recently, we learned that the USA’s captain and defensive stalwart Becky Sauerbrunn would also be out of the cup due to injury. This team feels shaky, shakier than it did in 2019. BUT THERE IS OBVIOUSLY STILL HOPE FOR A THIRD ‘SHIP. This team has a great mix of veteran experience and young guns. For the vets, American hero Megan Rapinoe (199 caps, 63 goals) is back for her final World Cup. While Pinoe probably won’t get the minutes we saw in 2019, she will still be a crucial veteran presence as someone who has been to this tournament many times. Two-time US Soccer Player of the Year Julie Ertz (118 caps, 20 goals) is back in the midfield, where she is joined by the vastly experienced Lindsay Horan (129 caps, 27 goals), who will captain the USA in Sauerbrunn’s absence. And of course, you didn’t think I was actually going to get through a USA preview without mentioning ALEX MORGAN (207 caps, 121 goals). Morgan won the Golden Boot (most goals) in the NWSL last year and is looking to do what she does best: score hella goals (6 goals in 2019 World Cup). And that’s just our vets! Let’s talk about the newcomers. Trinity Rodman (18 caps, 4 goals) has been making a name for herself for the last few years, but now she is taking it to the next level. She is fast and tricky and scores goals. She’s listed as a forward, but she’s such an offensive talent that she can play on the wing as well. Teenage phenom Alyssa Thompson (4 caps, 0 goals), the first high-school aged player drafted into the NWSL and youngest player in NWSL history got the start against Wales on July 9. And you KNOW we have to talk about Sophia Smith (30 caps, 12 goals). The reigning US Soccer Player of the Year and NWSL MVP joins Rodman and Morgan for a truly TERRIFYING set of shooters up top. The USA has some serious firepower up top, and even without the Captain, still have a lot to work with on defense with vet and two-time World Cup champ Kelley O’Hara (157 caps, 3 goals) returning. The U.S. had some two good, but close wins against Ireland and a 2-0 win over Wales on July 9 in its World Cup sendoff. I think there are two keys to this team achieving the three-peat. First, there’s the midfield. Vlatko appears to have settled on a 4-3-3 (four defenders, three midfielders, three forwards) for the line up. What’s great about a 4-3-3 is how flexible it can be, allowing for the aggressive attack tactics favored by Vlatko, as well as a “false nine” formation (attacking midfielder drops into a deeper role to connect the midfield and the attack). A 4-3-3 usually requires a creative, possession-based midfield that can both connect the attack and also help cover the defense, which means getting the right combination in the midfield is super important if this team is going to succeed. The second thing key is whether the US can get its “never say die,” “let’s fucking go” mentality that we saw in 2019. I mentioned above that the US has seemed shakier than it did in 2019. That shakiness was on display in the Olympics and is part of why the US didn’t walk away with a gold medal. If they can bring back that mentality and get rid of the shakiness, I truly believe there is nothing this team cannot do. LFG.
Vietnam (Group E)
Vietnam makes its World Cup debut after some success at the Asian Cup and a win at the Southeast Asian Games. We do not know a lot about this team or these players, which, as you can imagine, makes it difficult to preview them. Huynh Nhu (71 caps, 66 goals) headlines this team. She was the first Vietnamese player to join a European club, playing for the Portuguese club Lank Vilaverdense. The forward has a clinical finish, which has both made her a vital contributor to Vilaverdense and has made her the leading scorer in Vietnamese history. Goalkeeper Tran Thi Kim Thanh (48 caps) has been instrumental in high pressure situations as well, keeping Vietnam in the two playoff games they had to go through to qualify for this year’s World Cup. Although they lost, Vietnam kept it pretty close against powerhouse Germany (Germany 2-0 Vietnam) in June. However, on July 10 they lost again against less interesting host New Zealand (New Zealand 2-0 Vietnam), who, we have established, are not a great squad. I think this is a team where we just feel good that they made it here and hope it creates excitement and momentum for the game in Vietnam, and maybe gets some players a good international look so they can get offers from bigger clubs. Worst case scenario, the other Group E teams run the score up on them like Thailand in 2019.
Group F
Actual: Brazil, France, Jamaica, Panama
Chaos: Brazil, Jamaica, France, Panama
Brazil (Group F)
A Seleção are coming into this tournament HOT and looking for the team’s first World Cup win. The Brazilians have a loaded squad and a head coach in Pia Sundhage (former USWNT head coach) at the helm. The Brazilians have always been a creative squad and Pia has added a structure and system that both highlights and strengthens that individual creativity. Pia wants this team to be flexible in the World Cup to better adjust to different opponents and to any injuries that could arise. A Seleção have taken this in stride, showing a lot of different skills through the last few games. In the 2022 Copa America, the Brazilians conceded no goals and scored TWENTY through six matches. They are quick to deny their opponents space, are fast on the counterattack, and will use their exceptional passing skills to advance up the pitch. However, the Brazilians have two problems. The first, is that they can be a little inconsistent. They beat Germany 2-1 and kept it competitive against England, only losing on penalties, and, as already mentioned, won the 2022 Copa America. But, they absolutely shat the bed in the She Believes Cup where they lost to both the U.S. and Canada. Significantly, they lost to Canada while Canada was in the middle of a big fight with their federation and not playing their best. While the Brazilians did beat Japan 1-0, the Japanese, who are not an offensive powerhouse, outshot the Brazilians 13-9. A Seleção ended on two strong notes though, with the aforementioned victory over Germany and 4-0 win over Chile in their World Cup send-off game. The second issue is the goalkeeper, which is probably the only spot on the field where the Brazilians are weak. BUT, let’s turn our attention to literally every other position on the field BECAUSE HOLY SHIT THIS TEAM IS SO GOOD. We have to start with star forward Debinha (130 caps, 58 goals). She is a technical WIZ and makes scoring goals look too easy. She’s scored 29 goals since Pia took over and was the top scorer at the Copa America. She’s one of my favorites for the Golden Boot this year. Plus there’s Kerolin (31 caps, 5 goals), one of the best attacking midfielders in the game right now. She’s been CRUSHING it with the Carolina Courage in the NWSL this season and could carry that momentum into a huge tournament. And we can’t forget about the CAPTAIN, Rafaelle (77 caps, 8 goals), holding it down at center back (when she is not crushing it at midfield). Rafa is a versatile player who is great with the ball at her feet and will command the field wherever she plays. And of course, we can’t talk about Brazil without talking about Marta (174 caps, 115 goals). Marta is a living legend and also holds the records for most goals scored in the World Cup (17). This will be her SIXTH and, devastatingly, her last World Cup. She will most likely not be a starter in this World Cup, but will definitely offer a lot of leadership for the younger players and when she is on the field, will have the chance to extend her record for World Cup goals further (bonus: Marta’s inspiring speechafter Brazil was eliminated in 2019). The Brazilians are one of my favorites to win the World Cup (they GIVING Argentina in the 2022 Men’s World Cup vibes). They are a loaded squad with an experienced head coach, looking for their first World Cup win as the greatest Brazilian women’s footballer, and one of the best the game has seen, is playing in her last World Cup ever. Once again I must ask, HOW CAN ANYONE NOT BE ROMANTIC FOOTBALL?
France (Group F)
It has been a rough twelve months for les Bleues after being eliminated in the semi-finals of the Euros to Germany, then losing to Germany again followed by a loss to Sweden, and former manager Corinne Diacre being sacked in March after a fraught six year tenure that culminated in French captain Wendie Rendard and veteran stars Kadidiatou Diani and Marie-Antoinette Katoto announcing they would no longer play for the French national team and did not support the current system. However, the change in head coach appears to have helped, as new manager Herve Renard has been able to win his first three games in charge (France 5-2 Columbia, France 2-1 Canada, and France 3-0 Ireland) before losing 1-0 to Australia in the final friendly before the tournament. Significantly, all three wins have been against other World Cup teams, suggesting the French are playing at a reasonably competitive level, even with experienced midfielder Amandine Henry and Katoto out with injuries. Herve has had the French playing in a 4-3-3 for the last couple matches, but when he coached the Saudi men, he used a different formation for each group stage game, so look for him to change up the formation as needed. In more good news for les Bleues is that Diani (83 caps, 22 goals) and Eugenie Le Sommer (178 caps, 89 goals) are both back from injury to bolster the French attack and Renard (145 caps, 34 goals) will be holding it down on defense, while probably adding some goals of her own. Grace Geyoro (65 caps, 15 goals), the first player to ever score a first-half hat-trick in a women’s Euro match will be in the midfield, winning back possession and turning the attack. And of course, in net, the calm, cool, and collected Pauline “Hulk” Peyraud-Magnin (40 caps). Despite a rollercoaster of a year, the French seem like they’re in the best position to succeed in years. Allez les Bleues!
Jamaica (Group F)
We need to talk about the history of the Reggae Girlz (what a hype nickname) before we talk about 2023. The existence of this team is basically a miracle given that the team was disbanded in 2010 due to lack of funding after failing to qualify for the 2003 World Cup and 2008 Olympics (EQUAL FUNDING FOR WOMEN’S SPORTS). In 2014, Cedella Marley (Bob Marley’s daughter) helped launch a huge fundraising campaign to revive the team. The Reggae Girlz proceeded to go on a fairytale run in 2018 to qualify for the 2019 World Cup. Now, they are BACK for 2023. Coach Lorne Donaldson managed the team in the 2019 World Cup, resigned in 2020, and came back in July of last year. He has been trying out a bunch of different formations with mixed results for each one, so it is unclear what he will do in the actual tournament. Lucky for him, defender Allyson Swaby (28 caps, 1 goal) is comfortable with either three or four defenders in the back, meaning Donaldson can keep playing around with formations. Jamaica has won just one out of the seven friendlies they played in 2023, however, there does appear to be a theme in the Reggae Girlz W’s in the last two years: when they keep a clean sheet, they win. While clean sheets are an indicator of the Reggae Girlz success, we really need to talk about this offense because IT IS LOADED. Forward Khadija Shaw (38 caps, 55 goals) is coming off a record-breaking thirty-one goal season at Manchester City and in the midfield, WSL veteran Drew Spence (7 caps, 1 goal) has changed teams from England and joined Jamaica. Florida State star midfielder Jody Brown (18 caps, 12 goals) is also playing in the midfield for her first World Cup. Realistically, I don’t think this team makes it out of the group stage because of Brazil and France, but we are happy they are here and so help me god if the Jamaican Football Federation tries to cut them again because I love them.
Panama (Group F)
Panama is making its debut in the tournament this year. They will most likely come in last in this group. Las Canaleras went down 7-0 and 5-0 to fellow World Cup competitors Spain and Japan respectively, which suggests they might not fare well against the rest of the competition, namely France and Brazil. However, this will be our first opportunity to see midfielder Marta Cox (20 caps, 4 goals) on the international stage. Cox plays for Pachuca, one of the top clubs in Mexico, and this could be a breakout tournament for her. Additionally, Washington Spirit forward Riley Tanner (2 caps, 1 goal) is playing in her first major international tournament. Her teammates call her “Frozen” because this kid has ice in her veins. Coming off the bench in her debut, she dribbled through four opponents en route to scoring her first goal for las Canaleras. We also need to talk about goalkeeper Yenith Bailey (8 caps). Bailey was a midfielder until 2017, when she was converted into a goalkeeper. Bailey appeared for Panama in three matches at the 2018 CONCACAF Women’s Championship, where she made twenty-four saves, won the Golden Glove (best goalkeeper), and was named to the tournament’s Best XI. SHE HAD ONLY BEEN PLAYING KEEPER FOR A YEAR. THAT’S WILD. Anyways, Panama, we’re happy you’re here. We will miss you after the group stage, and we hope to see you in 2027!
Group G
Actual: Sweden, South Africa, Italy, Argentina
Chaos: South Africa, Italy, Sweden, Argentina
Argentina (Group G)
La Albiceleste are trying to make it out of the group stage to the round of sixteen for the first time. To do that, they will have to do something else they have never done before in a World Cup: win a match. This will mean they are in a battle for second place in their group (the Swedes will probably take the first seed) against tough Italian and South African teams. After getting eliminated in the group stage of the 2019 World Cup, German Portanova took over as manager. This team is strong defensively, keeping clean sheets in five of their last six games. Veteran goalkeeper Vanina Correa (41 caps) will be holding it down in the net and captaining the Albiceleste. On the offensive end though, Estefania Banini (16 caps, 8 goals) is back after a prolonged absence from the team after speaking out against previous head coach Carlos Borello for outdated coaching methods and the Argentine Football Association for poor working conditions. Portanova has called her back up for what Banini says will be her last World Cup. Reigning Copa America Golden Boot winner Yamila Rodriguez (17 caps, 6 goals) joins Banini up top and should be a huge threat for Argentina. Watching Argentina battle it out for both their first win and their first appearance passed the group stage should be super entertaining.
Italy (Group G)
After a disappointing Euros in 2022, the Azzure is looking to bounce back and show that Italian women’s football is still on the rise. Italian coach Milena Bertolini usually has the team play in a 4-3-3 or sometimes 4-4-2, but regardless of the formation, the Azzure will be focused on ball movement, passing, and keeping a quick pace as well as the clever tricks that set Italian football apart from the rest of Europe. The Italians lost to fellow Group G member Sweden on penalties in 2022, which suggests that they can keep up with what should be the best team in this group. They’ve got the players to keep up too, essentially by just combining the best players on Italian Serie A clubs Juventus and Roma. 2022 Italian Football Hall of Fame Inductee Cristiana Girelli (102 caps, 53 goals) will be looking to score some goals up top. Girelli’s Juventus teammate Arianna Caruso (22 caps, 10 goals) has been on an absolute tear and will look to make waves in the midfield for the Azzure. Juventus defender Lisa Boattin (43 caps, 1 goal) will be holding it down in the back. For the Roma contingent, Valentina Giacinti (62 caps, 22 goals) will join Girelli up top and Manuela Giugliano (65 caps, 8 goals) joins Caruso in the midfield. The Italians are coming off a four-game streak of no losses against other World Cup participants, winning against South Korea (2-1), Colombia (2-1), and New Zealand (1-0) and drawing nil-nil against Morocco, suggesting they are in a position to succeed in this World Cup. Forza Azzuri!
South Africa (Group G)
The Banyana Banyana begin their sophomore World Cup campaign on the rise after winning their first Africa Cup of Nations (WAFCON) in 2022. They put on a good show in 2019, but ultimately left after the group stage without a single point. The Banyana Banyana play a brilliant attacking style of football, usually in a 4-4-1-1 or 4-2-3-1 to get the ball to either Thembi Kgatlana (62 caps, 22 goals) or Jermaine Seoposenwe (91 caps, 22 goals). Linda Motlhalo (52 caps, 16 goals), Refiloe Jane (109 caps, 12 goals), and Noxolo Cesane (21 caps, 3 goals) will make up a midfield that will only bolster this already impressive attack. While defense is a weak spot for the Banyana Banyana, WAFCON’s best goalkeeper Andile Dlamini (36 caps) and her incredible stop-stopping should help with that. Additionally, South Africa’s physical brand of football should be super disruptive to the flow that the Italians and Argentinians both prefer to play with, giving them a great shot to take down both those squads and take the second seed. The Banyana Banyana don’t really care about either of those squads right now though, as they are starting against Sweden, and are looking for the upset to get off to a strong start in the tournament. I am very much rooting for that upset. It would be awesome. I will be watching the South Africans with a lot of interest and the great hope that they get out of the group stage. Even if they don’t make it out of the group stage, I bet the Banyana Banyana still get their first World Cup victory.
Sweden (Group G)
Oh Sweden. So talented, but never quite manage to get over that finish line. Something just always seems to get in their way, even when they are the most talented team in the tournament. They should have won in the Olympics after fully embarrassing the U.S. to make it to the finals, but lost to the Canadians. They looked poised to have a big performance at the Euros, before England demolished them 4-0. This team is still crazy talented, so it would be stupid to rule them out entirely, but they have not looked fantastic in their last couple matches, losing 0-1 to Denmark and tying Norway 3-3 in April. Not only were these results not great, but they came against two teams that are also participating in the World Cup, suggesting Sweden might struggle with the level of talent in this tournament. However, it will be a colossal failure if they do not come in first in this group to advance out and that is because of the level of talent and experience on this squad. This is a veteran team where multiple players have over 100 caps. This is a physical, attack-minded team that should match up well against South Africa and disrupt and beat Italy and Argentina. Then there’s the immense talent of the individual players themselves. Forward Stina Blackstenius (90 caps, 28 goals) is healthy again and should be brutal to go up against. It’s not just her scoring (and she can score) that makes her such a threat. Her ability to press and defend in her own attacking third creates more opportunities while keeping defenses uncomfortable and more prone to make mistakes. Sweden head coach Peter Gerhardsson has called her one of the team’s best defenders (who just so happens to play forward). Sweden’s midfield will feature young star Filipa Angeldahl (40 caps, 11 goals) and Sweden’s most capped player of all time, Carolina Seger (232 caps, 32 goals). Not to mention Sweden’s unreal duo of wingers, Fridolina Rolfo (78 caps, 25 goals) and Sofia Jakobsson (141 caps, 23 goals) who are both insanely intelligent players, making them extremely dangerous to any defense. And we can’t talk about Sweden without talking about that strong back line. A solid defense is the pride and tradition of Swedish women’s football and this year is no different. The supremely talented Magdalena Eriksson (95 caps, 10 goals) is the lynchpin of this defense, and will most likely feature at center-back (though she can also play on the left). Let’s see if Sweden can FINALLY win some hardware, or if they will once again fail to meet everyone’s expectations including their own and lose. If history is any indication, they will most likely lose to an inferior team who will then go on to win the entire tournament.
Group H
Actual: Germany, Morocco, Colombia, South Korea
Chaos: Morocco, South Korea, Germany, Colombi
Colombia (Group H)
Last time las Chicas Superpoderosas were in the World Cup, they upset France and made it out of the group. That may be a little harder to do in Group H, also known as the Second Place Group. Colombia came in second at the Copa America, losing to Brazil in a hardfought match. Colombia is a physical, attacking-oriented team. They can beat a good team if they want to, they can tie a good team if they have to, which is great, because this group has good teams. Colombia has played a number of other World Cup teams in the last two years. Obviously, they played and lost to Brazil (0-1) in the Copa America final. They have also played Zambia twice, beating them 1-0 both times. They beat Nigeria 1-0, lost to France (5-2) and Italy (2-1), beat Panama (2-0) and then drew Panama (1-1). They were supposed to play Ireland as a final game before the World Cup, but officials called the game off after twenty minutes after it became overly physical (Whiskey-Tango-Foxtrot?). ANYWAYS, Colombian Nelson Abadia has played las Chicas Superpoderosas in a 4-2-3-1 formation for the last two years, and there is no reason to believe that will change for the tournament. Up top will unquestionably be the wunderkind Linda Caicedo (16 caps, 4 goals), a national treasure who must be protected at all costs. She will be joined by the Colombian captain Catalina Usme (75 caps, 38 goals), who is also Colombia’s leading goalscorer. Daniela Montoya (36 caps, 3 goals) provides defensive grit to the midfield while Leicy Santos (15 caps, 2 goals) adds creativity. And in net, Catalina Perez (5 caps) brings some of the sharpest reflexes and strongest leadership skills in the game. We’ll see if las Chicas Poderosas have any more crazy upsets for this World Cup to bring some chaos to this group.
Germany (Group H)
The two-time World Cup champs and runners up from the Euros are a favorite to win the tournament, but might be overrated? This is a deep squad that employs an aggressive attacking style in a 4-3-3 that was highly effective at the Euros. This attack features killer forward Captain Alexandra Popp (128 caps, 62 goals) and a strong midfield of Svenja Huth (80 caps, 14 goals) and Lena Oberdorf (38 caps, 3 goals). The defense is a strong, well-organized machine with a killer pairing of Marina Hegering (29 caps, 3 goals) and Katherin Hendrick (58 caps, 5 goals). The movement in the back is stunning, with the whole unit moving together as a single unit. Plus, goalkeeper Merle Frohms (40 caps) adds so much by being great with the ball at her feet and her technical ability. The Germans have played a number of other World Cup competitors, but have been showing cracks. They started the year with a nil-nil draw against Sweden, then lost 2-1 to Brazil and 3-2 to Zambia (last friendly before the tournament). Although the Germans were strong against other European teams last year, these scores suggest they may not fare quite as well against the rest of the world. With that said, this team is still strong and talented. They should still be a favorite to win the whole thing, but perhaps they are not quite as strong as we thought. I still pick them to go number one in this group.
South Korea (Group H)
The Asian Cup runners up are a veteran team run by a slightly crazy coach and they are bringing the intensity. Coach Colin Bell has focused on upping the intensity on the pitch to add to his team’s technical skill. Bell has played his team in a number of formations, but what stays the same is that the team plays an intense, pressing defense, then they advance in numbers when they have possession. They use fast, build-up passing from the back using their center-backs and central midfielder. Look for a big performance from Ji Soyun (145 caps, 67 goals) one of the best South Korean players of all time in what is likely her last World Cup. Additionally, Jang Selgi (90 caps, 13 goals) is a critical part of the passing game as a versatile player who works well in the back and the midfield. The South Koreans have played a variety of other World Cup participants to prepare for the tournament, including England (England 4-0 South Korea), Italy (Italy 2-1 South Korea), Zambia twice (South Korea 5-2 Zambia) (South Korea 5-0 Zambia), and Haiti (South Korea 2-1 Haiti). The South Koreans made it to the round of 16 back in 2015, but suffered three losses in 2019. They’re looking strong coming off their Asian Cup performance. Look for them to work hard to get out of the group.
Morocco (Group H)
Morocco is making its first appearance at the World Cup after being the runners up at WAFCON. The Lionesses of the Atlas are also the first Arab team to qualify for the World Cup. 2018 Best Coach of the Year Pedros has been in charge of the squad for the last few years and the change has shown. The squad has some excellent players and successfully tied fellow World Cup participants Italy (0-0) and Switzerland (0-0). They did lose to Jamaica 1-0 in their final friendly. Tottenham Hotspur forward Rosella Ayane (21 caps, 9 goals) looked sensational last summer and will be looking for more success in the World Cup. Captain Ghizlane Chebback (60 caps, 21 goals) leads the midfield with her ball control and attacking maneuvers and is joined by Nahla Nakkach (35 caps, 0 goals) and Fatima Tagnaout (32 caps, 4 goals). And on defense, Nesryne El Chad and Yasmin Mrabet have formed a great partnership in the back. The Moroccan men unexpectedly went to the semi-finals last year, will the Atlas Lionesses surprise the world and do the same?
The Un-Informed Expert's World's Cup Newsletter 
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